luxemburger

A song that has become more meaningful to me since transitioning:

Inside A Boy - My Brightest Diamond

and in his eyes
are a thousand stars
on a dark sky

we are clouds
we are whispers
like fawns and shape-shifters
our edges can never be found out

1. I keep forgetting to ask, is there any Emily/Jordan fic out there for CM? I finally saw Jordan's first episode last week during the CM marathon on A&E or whatever, and homg I'd heard people say they had chemistry, but I had no idea it was so... obvious. Jesus. I hate to say it, but Emily and Jordan's chemistry in their first episode together > Emily and JJ's chemistry in their first episode together.

2. OKAY, SO. EVERY TIME I HAVE SNEEZED IN THE LAST WEEK IT HAS BEEN A TRIPLE. AM I A MULTI-SNEEZER NOW? ONCE YOU BECOME A MULTI-SNEEZER, CAN YOU EVER REVERT TO MONO-SNEEZER STATUS? ...this question is v. important to me, obv.

3. No more working with scorers until the beginning of next week. :( But I will be in and out of the area where they're working today, so maybe I will see a few of my ladies that way. Even if none of the other things in this entry had happened yesterday, it would have been a great day, just because of the scorers. They are so delightful!

4. Lured Kay to the apartment for a few minutes yesterday afternoon with the prospect of pretty BPAL scents. She left wearing the same one I had on (my favorite!) and I can't lie, the thought of her wearing my scent for the rest of the night was ridiculously hot. After she left I kept rubbing my nose over my own wrists and getting flustered all over again.

5. Also, since we're on the subject, sometimes I look at LJ and forget it's not Facebook and I'm surprised there isn't a space on my profile for it to say "in a relationship with _______", ahaha. Have I mentioned how much I love dating fellow LJ-ers?

6. Lora, Laura, Annie and I saw Fantastic Mr. Fox last night, and it was absolutely incredible. There were some parts that dragged, but I don't think I've ever laughed out loud during a movie as much as I did during this one. At least, not at the theater.

7. Then we ran into Jack coming out of another movie! Ugh, I miss Jack. I proposed to him for his birthday a couple of weeks ago, and now he and Rosie and I are trying to work out an arrangement. We shall see how that goes. We are all switches when it comes to spooning, so I think it will work out all right!

8. I had a dream last night that I went to my endocrinologist appointment two days early. It was almost eerily realistic, and the woman who was so good about my name/pronouns when I was there last month was in it, teasing me for being early. I don't know. It's really amusing right now. I can't wait until tomorrow!

9. My friend Liz just sent around an e-mail asking a few of us for help naming her new kittens. I think she should either name them after video game villains or drag queens, but I think I am being outvoted. Okay, whatever, I like ridiculous names.

10. Speaking of liking ridiculous things, HOMG, Lady Gaga. So there is this song on her new album called "Monster", and in it, there's this guy, who is a monster. Supposedly. Except Lady Gaga can't even remember if they're f*cked before. (She can't quite recall.) But he's definitely the monster. AND THEN THEY FRENCH KISSED ON THE TRAIN. AND HE TORE HER CLOTHES RIGHT OFF. HE ATE HER HEART AND THEN HE ATE HER... BRAIN. AND HE'S A MONSTER.

...also, there's an entire song that's just about HOPE and MASTURBATION. When she's sad, she touches herself! And then everything's okay! And then there are also some other times she touches herself, and everything's okay then, too! She's going to be your best friend, because she loves you, and she's so happy she could die! And it's all right! AND IT'S ALL RIGHT.

P.S. Tasty, delicious sushi for breakfast is FTW! I know tasty and delicious are pretty much the same thing, but it tastes so good I had to say it twice. &SPICY CALIFORNIA ROLLS;

Ahh, okay, so, Lora thinks this was stupid of me, but I rescheduled my endocrinologist appointment from tomorrow to Thursday because I would have missed out on two(!) days of working with my favorite sexagenarians if I didn't.

I know, I'm lame, but I really love working for women of a certain age, you guys.

Today was Day 1, which means I am in a pretty good mood right now. A job so well done it might as well be an ode to efficiency, a room full of little old ladies getting my pronouns right and cooing over the cowgirl, and the prospect of doing it all over again tomorrow: BLISS.

( I think this is why older women love me. )

Ugh, Lora's cousin used the tr***y word tonight... not in reference to me, but in my proximity.

I spoke up right away and said that it's a nasty word, and Lora's mom had my back or whatever, I guess, and she leaned over to Lora's cousin and told her, "We don't use that word here," but the thing that is bothering the shit out of me now is that her cousin actually had to ask why before she understood it was a derogatory thing to say.

Dude, it's not a pretty word. I think that's obvious, or at least I'd like to live in a world where it is. But when a trans person specifically points out that they personally think it's nasty? You stop. You just stop. There are plenty of reasons why, but you shouldn't have to ask for one before you agree to do it.

Something else I am grateful for this morning: I'm still overdrawn and still won't have nearly enough money when I get paid on Friday, but oh my god I'm actually $200 less overdrawn this week than I was at this time two weeks ago, which means as long as nothing stupid comes up maybe I will actually be out of this hole soon! That would be so awesome.

Also awesome: Emily Prentiss might not be straight. Ha. Well, we all knew that. But now it's not just us. ;)

So, I think my computer might have died on me tonight.

This kind of sucks. And don't get me wrong, I'm upset by its death, especially when I think about my financial situation and the other things I don't have at the moment, like a car or a phone of my own.

But things I do have tonight include the warm words of Ivan E. Coyote's The Slow Fix (courtesy of leiascully and the U.S.P.S.); a couch to read them on; a pair of Lora's sweatpants and that old t-shirt of Zach's I still wear sometimes, both of which I am indeed wearing tonight (funny how borrowing other people's things gives me shame when it's out of necessity, but borrowing other people's clothes only makes me feel loved); the blanket my father gave me for my 19th birthday which I just realized the other day is one of the few things I've actually bothered to bring with me in all my moves over the last couple of years; Hop Along's first album Freshman Year playing at the perfect volume through headphones I borrowed from work; and a cat who fucking loves to be in the way, so long as in the way means in my lap...

...so, you know, it's not all bad.

The new Land of Talk EP came in the mail today. I'd forgotten it was on its way, so that was a pleasant surprise, to put it mildly. I don't want to call it a distraction, because that's not quite right, but there is something about the sound of her voice that makes me love myself more no matter what else is on my mind, and that's something I needed this afternoon.

Someone called her voice "amorous and charming" in a review I read today, and it is both of those things, but there's something else to it that I've always had a hard time trying to articulate. It hurts. It's beautiful, and it hurts. I don't know if that's any more comprehensive, but I feel like it's closer to the truth for me.

Three of the four songs are battling for my favorite, so here are two of them: May You Never and A Series of Small Flames

"She describes [her band] Land of Talk as a destructive Stevie Nicks/Blonde Redhead mutant, Will Oldham meets Sonic Youth, and as a PJ Harvey-meets-Crazy Horse type creature." (from here)

...this, this this this this this, is why I am in love with this woman, JFC. Time to turn out the lights and let myself become nothing more than the sum of Jezebel purring on my chest and the low, pretty thrum of the sound slowly making its way down my body.

I ended up at Kay's instead of the concert last night, intending just to stop by for a few minutes to give her music, but somehow that turned into sticking around until midnight, at which point I dragged myself home so Lora and I could drive to Sturbridge for the weekend.

I'll have more to say about that later, because whatever this is is precious, and everyone always laughs at me when I use that word, but for me there isn't another word for that conveys the same quiet, dazzled wonder that I'm referring to, and goddamnit I'm going to reclaim the word if it kills me.

Anyway. I listened to the songs I gave her in the car on our way here last night, and I'm struck rather deeply by just how much of myself I managed to put into them, in regards to how I feel about myself, my transition, my family, relationships in general, and this relationship in particular. It doesn't seem possible that my presence in them is not completely obvious, but then, of course it seems obvious to me, so I wonder if anyone else can hear it or if it is just me. Hmm.

( you are a circus clown, I've never laughed before: a mix )

Things!

1. I keep forgetting that I am seeing Land of Talk tonight and then re-remembering and getting suuuuuper excited. I am trying to steel myself ahead of time because my friend Kate is accompanying me just for the heck of it, as she's never heard the band before, and for her sake I don't want to get too terribly flustered when there isn't anyone else for her to hang out with while we're there, but oh my god, my legs are already starting to give out on me. Augh, please be gentle, Lizzie Powell!

2. Erica came over to my cubicle this morning and was like, "So I heard you used to be a mathlete. Will you help me study for the GRE?" and I am pretty sure that this is her way of apologizing to me or whatever, and I just have to say that cute girls asking me to tutor them in math is TOTALLY the way to apologize to me. Following it up with flirtation over office supplies is pretty great too.

3. I set two alarms before I went to sleep last night. One of them didn't go off at all, and the other one I spent five minutes wrestling with (while still asleep) when it did go off, because I didn't know what it was other than a loud noise, and I was afraid it was going to wake everyone up. Like, I don't know, maybe me? So. Fifteen minutes late to work, ugh.

4. The people I'm working for in the other department are crazyyyyyyy, but on the bright side I got flirted with by my two favorite queer sextagenarians this morning. I still really just want to be one of their house boys. I will carry your groceries and clean your gutters and whatever else, if you just bake me cookies and keep talking like that. Yessssss.

5. Um, listening to lots of songs trying to make a playlist for my usual, "Oh hey, I really like you, let me make you a CD" CD, and so many of them are making me shudder all over the place this morning. God I love music.

So the best part of seeing New Moon at midnight?

The projector fucking up at the beginning and zooming in on Kristen Stewart's cleavage, only for some gay boy a few rows behind us to say, "Ew, I don't want to see her breasts!" and Lora and I to chime in a beat later with a pair of simultaneous "I do"s. Ahahaha.

Oh, Loraface. Oh, KStew.

Also, I get wicked bad line rage, particularly when said line is for something I don't even care about, so I ducked outside and talked to Kay on the phone for almost two hours before the movie started, and now I can't stop smiling. Her personality hits so many of my buttons, it is kind of crazy and augh I am kind of ridiculously smitten, you guys.

Annie and Laura got to experience adorably drunk Lora the other night, which is an incredibly rare occurrence, but one of my favorite things in the world.

Somehow this ended up with me busting out the few baby pictures I have saved of her on my computer, which led to the re-discovery of a certain pre-transition picture of me (NSFW) which had been saved in the same folder.

(If that sounds odd, it's because I have all the pictures Lora sent me in the first couple of weeks we were dating and all of the pictures that I sent her in the same time period saved in the same place.)

And, anyway, Lora looked over my shoulder and semi-shuddered and said, "That's fucking weird." And then I turned the computer towards Annie, and she looked at the picture, looked at me, looked back at the picture, took a breath and then said, "Marshall... that's... weird..." And then I turned the computer further so that Laura could see, and guess what she had to say?

Yep. That's weird.

( So I've spent a lot of time thinking about the girl I was pre-transitioning in the last couple of days, particularly in regards to our bodies, and it's been sort of strange. )

Goddammit, Criminal Minds kink meme happening right as I'm in prime brainstorming mode for, like, actual kinky-as-fuck sex I plan on having in the near future, you will be the death of me, I swear.

Homg, between the Merlin & White Collar drabbles that bookshop posted earlier, certain prompts posted on pages 5 and 6 of the kink meme, and semi-feverish fantasies that involve trying to figure out just how much fun Kay is going to let me have with her submissive side, it is really a difficult day to do anything that doesn't involve pruned fingers and a deliciously overworked clit, holy fuck.

...oh, um, I am home sick. For legitimate reasons, although I am 99% sure it's not the flu. (And kind of 99% a little freaked out at not knowing what it is, hello muscles on fire, eerily chilled skin, and nausea I can feel in my mouth but not in my stomach!) Um. So, um, it's entirely possible when I say semi-feverish fantasies, that I mean that literally. Augh, I don't think I've gone an entire half hour without getting myself off this morning, JFC.

ETA: Entire half hour achieved! Apparently that is exactly how long it takes to get from here to the lab that does my blood work, have the blood work done, and then get back, heh.

ETA2: Ahaha, LOL-ing forever, I think someone on the kink meme has the same fetishes I do, because (who seems to be) the same anonymouse has seconded three of my six requests. AHAHA, whoever you are, let's be friends.

So I didn't mention this, but I was rather proud of my self-control on Thursday. Kay invited me back to her apartment after dinner, and we put on a movie - and then actually watched it.

She slid down in the armchair almost the exact second the movie ended and grinned at me and said, "Is this the part where we kiss now?" and we did and it was so effing good that it took pretty much all the effort I had within me to insist on going home instead of going any further, even though insisting on going home meant turning down the opportunity for what seemed like it would be ridiculously hot sex on a) the chair itself b) her kitchen floor and c) the backseat of her car while we were trying to say goodnight in the driveway.

So, yes. Very proud of my self-control. Even if I did spend all weekend in a semi-permanent haze as a result.

( Last night. )

I am kind of in love with the receptionist at the endocrinologist's office, as she called me Marshall even though it wasn't on any of my paperwork, which means I think she remembered it from our phone conversations. Or she made a note for herself, or whatever. In any case, I am pretty sure she thought I was cute, and I am kind of in love with her.

I am less in love with the endocrinologist herself, who used incorrect pronouns at least once and said something weird about the medical treatment of trans youth, but in general she was pretty cool too, I guess, and I know other trans guys who see her so I feel like maybe I just caught her on a strange day.

Now to get the blood work done!

Well, not now now. Now now is time to get ready for midnight meteor shower second dates. Which probably won't end up involving meteor showers, but I am perfectly okay with that.

Am totally holding my breath for the next four hours, or until my appointment is over, whichever comes first. T's so close I can taste it, and I just want to know now if anything's going to get in the way, so I can prepare myself for that.

(The only thing I can think of is that my therapist has been making me anxious about whether or not my insurance will cover the blood work. I am inclined to think they will, because everything I've done since getting this insurance has led me to believe it's effing incredible as far as American insurance policies go, but she thinks it could easily be as much as $700 out of pocket before the endocrinologist can write me the prescription... which, obviously, would suck.)

Other than that, I'm just excited. I have been playing this game with myself where I try to guess how long it will take before I have my first injection. The good news is that however long it takes, I win - though current guess is hovering hopefully around three weeks from now.

Did I mention anywhere here that Land of Talk is playing at the Iron Horse on Friday? I am assuming there's no way it will be as, uh, eventful as the last show I saw there, but I am already swooning in anticipation. I haven't seen them play in two and a half years! Since before I left Illinois! Lizzie Powell, right here in my place of residence. How sweet is that?

So I don't know why I never seem to remember this, but I am totally an intimidating person to be in a pseudo-fight with. Not that Erica and I are fighting, but whatever weird thing is going on, I am totally the intimidating one. Weird.

Something that is also interesting - singing Liz Phair's Fuck and Run causes me to drop into my chest voice. How fucking strange. I normally can't get to it, but I start with those first few lines ("I woke up alarmed / I didn't know where I was at first / just that I woke up in your arms") and my voice immediately drops so low I can feel my chest vibrating like one of those gigantic speakers you try to avoid at school dances, and feeling it makes me wish I could lay my head on my own chest and tell myself a bedtime story.

Who wants to hear a bedtime story? This guy's doing the talking, so answer accordingly, or whatever.

Overslept for work yesterday because I forgot to set an alarm Friday night. How awesome is that? But what's worse? Being 20 minutes late or the fact that I was awake by quarter to seven on a Saturday even without an alarm?

Trekked out to Sturbridge with Laura, Annie and Liz last night for Lora's Lia Sophia party at her parents' house. (I would say we trekked out with Lora too, except she left hours ahead of us in order to do laundry beforehand.) I don't know what it is, but did I mention how weird I've felt socially recently? There were a couple of moments last night where jokes were made just out of my earshot, and I am semi-convinced that I was the punchline, although I can't decide if a) that is perceptive of me or just paranoid or b) if it's perceptive, in what sort of spirit the jokes are being made.

I am probably just being paranoid. But I'll tell you what I'm not being paranoid about: Erica and I have not made eye contact in about two weeks, and we will both be at Annie's this afternoon for our circle of friends' Thanksgiving feast. Annie's house is small. Also, I think our friends like her better than they like me. (Okay, maybe that is being paranoid.) But the not making eye contact thing is totally real, because she's been telling other people about it and nobody's saying a word to me, and I do feel like our friends are more inclined to be irritated with me over whatever amount of awkwardness that creates, simply because this is the sort of thing she does with people sometimes and I should be better than I'm being but I'm not.

Also, I got paid on Friday and I am already overdrafted. Isn't that fantastic?

I swear I'm in a better mood than it appears. I have been sleeping in a naked fashion to the sound of this website for the past week or so, and I woke up thinking about thighs under my tongue and proceeded to get off (slowly, and a few times) before I even got up and got a drink of water.

Then I wandered over to the bookshelf and grabbed Written on the Body and have been back in bed, still without clothes, reading that ever since. I have no idea how many times I've read this book, but it's been a while since the last time I did.

I've always loved this part:

"A precise emotion seeks a precise expression. If what I feel is not precise then should I call it love? It is so terrifying, love, that all I can do is shove it under a dump bin of pink cuddly toys and send myself a greetings card saying 'Congratulations on your Engagement'. But I am not engaged I am deeply distracted."

I guess what I am saying is that I am in one of those places where I like art so much better than I like 99% of people, except I like art best when it is shared, so that leaves me with an aggressive sort of existential itch that I've still never figured out the best way to scratch.

That being said, the choreography and the outfits in the last fifty seconds of this video fill me with such unbridled glee and desire, it is kind of ridiculous. But I fucking love whatever her brand of art is supposed to be, so that is not really surprising to me at all.

Also, a couple of final notes for the day: Lora took both my binders with her yesterday. To wash them, obviously. But so I had to bind with a small handful of layered sports bras instead, and holy fuck does that suck. (It's painful.) I also haven't had a cigarette in about a week, and I don't want to talk about that too much in case I psych myself out, but that's been pretty awesome, which is something I do mean sincerely, although it has taken away one of my coping mechanisms, which is probably part of the reason I'm so down on my friends lately. It's hard to (try and) smoke away irritation when you're not smoking. Heh.