luxemburger

After my response to my cousin's initial message the other day, she simply wrote back: "Please do tell me more. Why do you want to be known as Marshall?"

And I thought about it all day, thought about it all the way through work and therapy and the marathon jerk off session I had for a few hours this afternoon. (Haha, just being honest on that last one. I often do some of my best thinking while jerking off.)

And the thing is, I can't really answer why it is that I'm trans - all I can do is acknowledge that I am and then answer why it is that I choose to honor that understanding of myself. So. I think I did all right. But I am kind of embarrassed, because I generally try not to get too dogmatic about my approach to life, but I really do feel quite strongly about certain things, and I'm afraid I came across as really, really dogmatic in my second response.

But whatever, she started it!

Answering the question "Why Marshall?" in the context of what it means in the larger picture of my life:

The easiest answer is, "Because that's who I am."

The longer answer is that I have been exceptionally blessed by having the unconditional love and support of my parents (despite their other shortcomings) and that I feel it is my duty not only to share that love with everyone around me, but to share it with myself also, because the better I am at loving myself, the better I can be at loving everyone else and the more love that I have to give overall.

I don't consider myself religious, but I am somewhat zealous, albeit privately, about my belief that we are all here for a purpose and that my purpose is to teach others how to know and love themselves and how to know and love the world around them.

I think the world would be a much better place if we could accept that there are things to be afraid of, but that turning our vulnerabilities into strengths can only bring us closer - can only make us stronger. If we could accept that it is not a bad thing - that it is, in fact, beautiful - to trust our hearts, minds, and bodies to work together to guide us, even when we may not understand what is happening. That if we approach the world with a whole lot of faith and a commitment to view everyone honestly and with a compassionate heart... that if we do that, no matter what struggles we go through, we will always come through to the other side stronger than when we went in.

And my heart, my mind, and my body do not belong to those of a "girl". I have many feminine attributes, of course, I have no desire to deny that - rather the opposite. I love the things about me that are feminine. But I also believe that I have been given male attributes also and that those are attributes I am meant to have, just as much as I was meant to have the female ones.

If God created me, then he created me like this. And this - my gender - is not a challenge he has placed upon me. My identity is not a challenge he has placed upon me. The real challenge I face, just like anyone else, is to learn to see myself honestly at all times, to love the person that I find (a person who has many faults, including a cigarette addiction and a tendency toward anxiety and depression, but not including anything about the fact that I am attracted to both men and women or that I identify as transgendered - because those things are not faults) and to hold onto the courage, every day, to be honest about who I am - faults and virtues and all.

Some days it is easier to do. Some days I am a better person than I was the day before. Some days I am not. But that never has anything to do with my role as a female-bodied person - my role as a "woman", which is not a label I agree with, by the way. I have a role to play, I know I do, but - it's a role I play as a person, not a gender. I'm here to be the best person I can be, to be willing to make myself vulnerable, to make myself available - to those around me, when they need me to be. To live deliberately and lead by example at all times, if I can (and I can't, not all the time, not by a long shot, but I am perpetually trying) - and hope that it helps someone, somewhere to be able to love themselves too, because that's the only way we can make this sometimes terrible world better - to love it and ourselves through the stupid, awful, beautiful challenges we all face, separately and together.

That got awfully long-winded. But what I am trying to say it that I want to be known as Marshall because I am more of a Marshall than I am a Samantha, and the most loving thing I can do for myself is to not only accept that, but to present myself - publicly - as close to the "true" me as possible, so that people who care about me can care about the person I really am, and not just the person I appear to be, so that we can all, finally, start getting to the heart of the matter.

P.S. I would LOVE to have children someday, and whether I will be their father or their mother (at heart, if not biologically), I think I have a lot to give to a child. But - I suppose only time will tell.

...huh.

That is the only sound I have left to make, because sometimes it seems like these words come out of my bones more than my brains. Which is to say, I'm not really sure where that shit comes from, but it's some place pretty fucking deep.

Bones! I am like an especially articulate caveman or something, you guys. (Especially articulate by caveman standards, I mean.)