luxemburger

I always forget what an intense process coming out to myself as gay way back when was. Because it's true that I never really struggled with it, and yeah, I had "known but not known" for as long as I could remember, but. It was still fucking intense. Man.

That's pretty much where I'm at right now with the trans stuff, too. Like, okay, cool, awesome. Good to know. But there's the heady rush of emotion from that, and then on top of it all there's all the other issues it's bringing up in my head.

I pretty much spend 95% of my time lately feeling like I'm just spinning around in circles:

- I haven't come out to Lora's parents yet, so I spent all weekend hearing myself called Sam again and hearing a lot of female pronouns. Oddly, the name thing didn't bother me too much, but the pronouns were weird. I would have thought it'd be the other way around, but I've been adjusting to the pronoun change super quickly compared to the name change. Which isn't to say that I think of myself entirely in male pronouns (yet?), but mostly that I've already automatically started correcting other people when they slip and use female pronouns for me - that's come surprisingly easy.

(Speaking of which, have I mentioned how incredibly supportive my office has been about all of this? The other day one of my supervisors told me they'd been speaking with one of my co-workers about Other Sam and I guess it was sort of ambiguous whether she meant me or if she actually meant Other Sam, and the co-worker she was speaking to punched her in the arm and said, "He. Marshall's a he now," and then laughed and told my supervisor that it was okay because they're all still getting used to it and, "Not to worry, you'll get it eventually!" Did I mention the co-worker doing the punching is this 60-something-year-old woman who teeters around in wedge heels all day who cries whenever examinees yell at her and who can't even try to hide her trichotillomania? I seriously haven't been able to think about this co-worker all weekend without my heart swelling up and just going, "Oh, co-worker," and wanting to hug the shit out of her.)

- Also, I realized the other day that calling myself a lesbian is no longer accurate. I mean, I've always been at least a little bit bi, but I always identified with the word 'lesbian'. A good two-thirds or more of my sense of humor is built on being a chick who likes other chicks. Man. I think this means I can't make as many jokes about pussy, or I'm just going to start looking like a dick.

YAY.

- I e-mailed someone about setting up an appointment to begin the prerequisite therapy before I can get a testosterone note (because the therapist I already have is not going to work, as far as that goes), but I think I also need to consult a nutritionist or something. I know I posted about wanting to be in better physical health a while ago, but I've been realizing how much of my eating habits tie into comfort issues, i.e. perpetually feeling like I, or rather, my body, needs to be comforted. And I am pretty much thinking that I will want to start T, after six months or whenever my therapist and I think I'm ready, and one of the things that T is known to do is to cause guys to put on more belly weight. So since I already carry a lot of excess weight there, I'd like to lose some weight and develop sustainable, healthier eating habits before then.

- I've also had a hard time socializing lately. Lora's pretty much the only person I can stand to be around for long periods of time. Mostly because she a) takes me seriously enough but b) knows when to mock and/or tell me I'm full of shit. Also because she's the only other person I know who loves driving down curvy back roads with the windows rolled down and the stereo up louder than I even would have set it to. We squabble about volume when we're driving in town a lot, as I like it just a notch past still having the ability to think, and she's pretty talkative after getting out of work - but when we're actually going somewhere, she likes it just as overwhelmingly loud as I do. We were driving with The Cure on Saturday afternoon, and there were so many tall, tall trees, and the sun was shining through the green, green leaves, and ugh. I was in love in that moment, not with anything in particular, just - in love - and it's been a while since my head has been that clear. It was nice.

- We saw fireworks both Friday and Saturday night. I feel like I needed something like that. I've always loved fireworks. I've got an incredible amount of mosquito bites now, but I'll live - we all will, right?

- Also, this song makes me want to cry! I don't think it's entirely in a good way, either, but ugh. So fucking beautiful.