luxemburger

Ughhhhhh.

The one thing that's sucked about all of this gender exploration is that it's led me out of denial about how uncomfortable I am in my body. And not all, or even most, of the discomfort has to do with its "femininity". It's actually just a lot of... general discomfort. Like to the point where I wonder if I'd still be questioning my gender if I hadn't put on as much weight in the last year as I have.

So, like, I haven't really wanted to be touched in a few weeks. In a way that goes beyond just not being in the mood. I've been actively turned off/repulsed by the idea of being touched. And by the idea of doing the touching, too, though not as strongly or consistently.

But the thing that sucks most about it is that there are nights like tonight where I still want beyond belief, and I'm laying here in front of my laptop reading those fucking epic Effy/Emily and Effy/Katie fics that have eaten my brain for the past, like, two months and having the skin of my hands (my entire body) ache to pull someone into me and kiss them, wet and intense like the rain coming down outside the open window, until they were shaky and shaking in my lap. Kiss them until they couldn't sit up, until they had to lay down. Completely lose myself in somebody else's mouth, in the knit of their fingers in the cloth of my shirt.

I can't stop thinking about it, thinking to the point of wanting to cry because it's almost enough to get me there, just thinking about it, but it's far enough away to feel like I'll never get so there again, as silly as it sounds.