luxemburger

I sent Jen a message the other night before I went to bed, a copy of the conversation that Meghan and I had (the same one I posted here).

Slept all day Monday. Had to work at 5:30. Was late. Jen called while I was on my way and asked if I was still coming in. "I got your e-mail," she said. Things were crazy at the store when I arrived, but Jen pulled me aside after they quieted down. Took me into the freezer.

"Let it out," she told me.

I shrugged. "What is there to say?" I asked, and then I thought of something. A lot of somethings. A lot of loud somethings. Later, in the bathroom, I cried. Jen followed me in, told me to unlock the stall, and then she stood there with me, like we were in high school.

After I got off work, I talked to Meghan online again.

( Conversation. )

I called her around 11 this morning to see how she was feeling. She was sick yesterday. But she didn't answer, so I went to bed. She left me a couple of messages on AIM in the early afternoon. Texted me around 7:30 pm, and again at 11.

The last one said, "I love you sam. you are the best thing in my life."

I stared at my phone for a few minutes, wanting to write back, "Then treat me like it," but I didn't have the heart. A few minutes later I saw that she was on AIM, and we talked again.

( Conversation. )

So she came over. It was good. It was really good. I didn't know how I was going to feel seeing her, but it felt right. When she got inside the house and we hugged - she was trembling, and I smoothed my hands over her back.

She looked at me, after she'd been there for a few minutes, and she said, "I don't deserve you."

"If you feel like that," I said. "Then make it so that you don't. And stop telling me."

("Can I still think it?" she asked.

"I can't control your thoughts," I said. "Well, actually. There are a couple of things you're not allowed to think... one, you can't think that I'm not cute. And two. Umm. You can't find my mother or my little sister sexually attractive.")

Kasey was pissed that she came over tonight. I can't believe it. I mean, I got the short end of the stick last week, but Kasey's so lucky. To have a best friend who would take an entire week and a half off of work, off of everything, just to try to make her happy. Just to try to save their friendship. Meghan hasn't done anything in the last week except spend time with Kasey, and then she came over here tonight and Kasey flipped out.

Meghan's so disappointed. "It wasn't worth it," she kept saying. "She's never going to accept this."

(I pressed my face against her shoulder. "Did you really miss me?" I asked.)

Okay.

I got mad at Meghan last Saturday. Basically, she took eleven days off work, starting last Monday. She's been talking about this vacation for months, but she waited until that Saturday, two days before, to mention the fact that Kasey was also going to be taking the time off work. (And that it was Meghan's idea!)

So. I had a pretty good idea as soon as she said that, that I wasn't going to see her during her break. We had a small fight.

( Conversation. )

I was still a little wary, but I wanted to believe her when she told me it wasn't what I thought it was.

Only it was what I thought it was. And now I'm pissed.

I hung out with Kelly and Mike after work tonight. We went to Wal-Mart so I could buy Meghan a half-birthday present, and then we drove around. We ended up in front of Meghan's house at four. Her lights were on, but she wasn't answering her phone. I didn't want to knock on the door because she was probably hanging out with Kasey or something, so I left a note on her car and we left and drove around some more.

She texted me at six. "Hey baby you awake?" followed by, "Please wake up and talk to me!"

I was just pulling into my driveway. It was the first time all week she'd really made an effort to talk to me. I called her twice, but she didn't answer. Something had to be wrong. I ran inside and got online.

She was there. Nothing was wrong. She was just drunk, and she thought I was asleep, and she wanted me to wake up and talk to her.

( Conversation. )

That's long and obnoxious to have to read, I'm sure, but I'm too fucking tired to actually summarize everything. Maybe later.

lilredM13: can I tell you something
faithfullydanger: yeah
lilredM13: last night was...perfect
faithfullydanger: yeah it was
lilredM13: best sex ive ever had
faithfullydanger: really?
lilredM13: yes

Ahaha. I ran into Kristin's two friends yesterday.

"You look so different," they said. "You look... happy."

Also, another holdover until I have the time/energy to make a real post:

(This conversation took place at five o'clock this morning. When I saw her at nine (that evening), she was already complaining about being tired.)

lilredm13: Hi baby girl
faithfullydanger: hello gorgeous. are you just getting home?
lilredm13: oh no...my IM wasnt working
faithfullydanger: I hate when that happens
lilredm13: I know it
faithfullydanger: I was starting to think I wasn't going to talk to you tonight
lilredm13: I wouldnt let that happen!
faithfullydanger: have I mentioned that you spoil me?
lilredm13: yeah but i dont believe it!
faithfullydanger: pssh. okay, tell me why you're still awake right now
lilredm13: ummmm because I had to say goodnight to you

Okay, this is me promising a longer update later because, really, there is A LOT to say, but in the meantime:

faithfullydanger: my mattresses are being delivered tomorrow
lilredm13: are you excited?
faithfullydanger: yeah... it's gonna be nice to sleep more than three inches off the floor every night!
lilredm13: haha yeah I bet! I need a new bed really bad!
faithfullydanger: what's wrong with the one you have?
lilredm13: its too small
faithfullydanger: you're pretty small yourself
lilredm13: haha true but its not comfortable for two people
faithfullydanger: you want to share your bed more often?
lilredm13: eventually I want to share it every night

Kelly: are you excited?!?!
Me: holy fuck! I'm nervous
Kelly: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! aww!!! you two are so cute!!!
Me: what? why is that funny?
Kelly: because Meghan imed me saying she was nervous too...

lilredm13: okay I have something to tell you...but you can't tell anyone
faithfullydanger: okay
lilredm13: I'm pretty sure I'm transferring stores in december
faithfullydanger: why?
lilredm13: they are opening a new store in bedford and asked me to go
faithfullydanger: you said yes?
lilredm13: yes
faithfullydanger: what does that mean for us?
lilredm13: well umm what do you think it means?
faithfullydanger: that if we want to, we could date
lilredm13: yes that's right
faithfullydanger: that is very, very good news
lilredm13: well I'm glad you think so...now I just hope you don't find the girl of your dreams before december
faithfullydanger: I already found her
lilredm13: well tell her to back the fuck off because I think I want you all for me

My taste in music is spiraling quickly downward. We have a radio at work. It's set to the local pop/R&B station. Meghan has this way of singing along... yeah. I spent two hours looking for Me & U by Cassie the other day. Me & U.

On the bright side, Operation Be Myself is running quite smoothly.

( Conversation from two nights ago. )

At that point, I pretty much had a spontaneous orgasm. The song came on twice (three times?) while we were working together last night. She made extended eye contact with me each time we heard the opening notes.

Also, she has taken to using pet names. I've heard "babe," "beautiful," and "gorgeous" now. The other night she used "baby girl" once or twice, and she made a reference to the possibility of becoming my girlfriend. Mmm. I wonder what will happen when we hang out this week.