luxemburger

I live in Bizarro Land. Really, really I do.

Almost three weeks ago, I had a threesome with two of my friends. (Permanently unfinished entry on the subject.) When we were done (or rather when I was done because they kept going after I left), I climbed out of the bed, gargled, and walked across the parking lot and into Steak n Shake to visit Meghan. She couldn't stop smiling she was so happy to see me, and she made me strawberry-covered pancakes and held my hand all the way to the bank. I gave her these two snowmen I'd found at the craft store the night before, one with her name on it and one with mine. She told me one of the nights I spent at her house that she couldn't ever find things printed with her name on them because of the unconventional spelling, and I knew she'd be delighted. She was.

I didn't tell her about having sex with Kelly and Mike. Even when she told me she'd had her place to herself the night before, that she hadn't told me sooner because she'd wanted me to go out and have fun, I didn't tell her and I didn't feel particularly guilty over it either. It was just. It had nothing to do with her. It was about being attracted to two people who were both attracted to me, and knowing that I could trust them, knowing we were all going to be able to look each other in the eye the next day.

A week ago, I kissed four of my friends. Kelly and Mike again, plus Jen and Spynn. We were all drinking, and it was part of a game. I told Meghan about it the next day, and she didn't care. She was jealous she missed the party, but she didn't mind that I'd kissed everyone.

"That's what people do," she said. "You're with friends, and you play games like Truth or Dare and people kiss each other."

( Friday. )

( Saturday. )

Later, after the conversation with my roommate, I stopped by Steak n Shake because I had some books to return to Kristin. She was supposed to stop by the store Saturday night, but she didn't, and then I forgot the books there, so she came by and I handed them to her and she ran away.

"Was that the ex?" Jen asked. "The new one is much cuter."

Jen had also written a note for me about Thanksgiving. My name was on the outside, but on the inside it said, "Sam/Meg (I know you'll get this message to her.) *stuff about our Thanksgiving plans*" My delight cannot be contained. My friendships and my relationships have never intersected like this before. I love, love, love the fact that we have the same group of friends, and that it's just an accepted thing that we're together. Oh man. And I love, love, love the number of times I've heard Meghan call me her girlfriend since Saturday morning.

Mmm. Girlfriend girlfriend girlfriend. I don't think I deserve her easy forgiveness, but I'm going to take it and I'm going to hold onto it best as I can.

My father claims he hasn't gotten high in over a year, and I feel, what, disappointed?

This doesn't fit into my universe.

One point for me.

Meghan quit smoking a couple of weeks ago. About a month ago, I think. But she's been having one or two cigarettes on stressful nights at work, and she smoked while we were all drinking at Jen's, and last night she had someone just go ahead and buy her another pack. I teased her that that's not really quitting.

A few minutes later, she came up to me.

Her: Would you still like me if I smoked?
Me: Yeah.
Her: Yeah?
Me: Wait, would it make a difference if I said no?
Her: Yeah. That's why I quit in the first place. I wanted to impress you.

A MONTH AGO.

She also gave me my birthday present last night. A gorgeous soft leather-covered journal and a book of the best 1000 movies on DVD. Because she's a big movie buff and I never catch her references.

"If I have to watch them all with you," she said, "that's all right with me."

( Then things got confusing. )

( Then I was a little bit assertive and things got better. )

At that point, she signed onto AIM. We talked for a little over an hour and a half. It was a good conversation, and I'm feeling pretttttty nice this morning, even though I went to bed four hours ago and now have to head to class and then back to Aurora. Mmm. Yes.

So when Meghan and I were talking Thursday, I could feel how much she liked me. Beyond the words she was using, I could feel it. And then Saturday night she said she didn't feel right continuing, and it was like something shut off. She said she still liked me just as much, but it felt like there was nothing behind the words.

Even Monday - I didn't send her the directions, but she called anyway (which means she'd taken my number from facebook or something) and came over for two hours before we went to Jen's - even then it seemed like it was so easy for her to tell me no. And I respect her no, I'm not going to push because she's got her morality and I like that, but she said some really fucking nice things Thursday night and backing away shouldn't be so easy, not if she meant what she said (and I think she did).

So.

We went to Jen's and it was... weird. I mean, it was fucking awesome because Jen made homemade tortilla chips and spanish rice and chicken enchiladas (without onions!) and I had three-and-a-half strawberry margaritas and a double shot of tequila and I can still say I've never been drunk. And Kelly and Margeaux and Jen and Meghan and I just sat around talking for hours and it was amazing because hey, I'm part of this group and I've never had that tight-knit group thing before. But at the same time, sitting there and talking about our sex lives and no one knowing about me and Meghan, and sitting there and talking about my spontaneous crying fit Saturday night and Meghan not even batting an eye. (For the record, when I told her about it when we were at my apartment, just in case it was brought up at the party, she felt awful, and even now she won't stop apologizing. But in front of everyone else she was just so fucking cool, and I couldn't stand it.)

Then! She texted me as soon as we left Jen's.

( Texts. )

So, okay, recap. I like her. I don't think she likes me. I find out she likes me. We decide not to act on anything. She invites me to share her bed. We talk for a couple of hours, then we kiss, then she touches me. (On that note, god.) At work the next night, there are discrete touches. At work the next night, there are fewer discrete touches and she says we can't. Two days later, she seems fine with it all, even though she feels like an ass for telling me on my birthday. That same night, she says her fucking heart skips a beat whenever I walk into a room.

And I just. I want to know what the fuck is going on because last night at work she was so touch-y and significant look-y and we were back to flirting and telling each other things we like about the other. (And she asked me if I'd come in an hour and a half early tonight.) She sent me a text message after she got home last night just to tell me she'd finished her first sudoku. Then she texted me again this afternoon.

( More texts. )

Tonight she was crazy flirtatious again, and I don't know. I don't know what to think or what to make out of any of this. She likes me, but she's decided that nothing else is going to happen between us. Is that it? I mean, I can't read her. I don't know what she's thinking. What's going through her mind every time she brushes against me or closes her hand around mine and slowly pulls away, dragging her fingers over my palm? What's going through her mind every time she looks at me the way she does? What does she mean when she says half the fucking things she says? I mean, is she happy with this arrangement? Is she satisfied with the flirting? Because I'm not. I'm not and I can't fucking stop thinking about her.

I think I'd be okay with this though. I'd be okay if I just knew whether or not she wants me as much as I want her.

For the record, I am such an ass. Just. The biggest ass ever.

I broke things off with Cara yesterday. It was one thing to be involved with her and Annie at the same time; there was no emotional entanglement there. But I can't like two people at the same time, and last week I realized, not matter how wonderful I think Cara is, I don't want to be in a long-distance relationship.

My life is so grounded right now, so physical and tangible, and I don't want my head in the clouds. I want to be here.

So. She's really upset, and I feel like a jerk. Yay.

The birthday kisses I decided I wasn't going to get?

Yeah. I got them.

Along with a healthy dose of birthday heartbreak.

Long story short, Meghan, the manager that I like so much, likes me too. It's making her question her whole existence. ("Have I only been dating men because they've been there?" she asks me. "I knew I liked you the very first day we met. The first day we met.")

And on top of that, we could both lose our jobs.

( And yet. )

The thing is that she is being stupid, but so fucking well-intentioned, and how can I help but like her all the more for that? ("Am I supposed to stop liking you?" I asked. "I still like you," she said, "you know I do." I raised my eyebrows. "You should know I do," she said, her voice coming up like it was a song.)

She's still coming to the party Jen's throwing for me tomorrow night. She said she wouldn't if I didn't want her to, but I told her I wanted her to. I also asked her if she'd come by my apartment first.

I need to make a plan.

When she said she needed to calm down and that she'd write again tomorrow, did she really mean tomorrow? This is not me doubting her, this is me saying, "Hey wait, I'm not as angry now, please come back," because it was really, really nice, the way she was responding so quickly this morning.

And that's all I wanted - I got carried away, but all I wanted was more of her attention - and I had it this morning, and now I want it back. God, even fighting with her - I've been on a high from it all afternoon. I don't think I've ever wanted her more. I can't believe she called me on being an ass. No one ever calls me on that, and I'm an ass, maybe not all the time, but I'm enough of one that people should call me on it more often. I don't think any other response could have turned me on quite as much, and possibly that is fucked up but I don't care.

Aaaaaaand what does this prove? That I, Samantha Loftus, thrive on drama.

( My responses to her responses. )

I guess we'll see, either tonight or sometime tomorrow, if I've fucked this all up or not. It's a shame if I have because I feel more confident about us right now than ever before. So many of the people I've dated have put me onto some fucking pedestal, and I hate that, but now Cara was an ass and I was an ass and we both called each other on it, and I feel like we're on the same level and all I want to do is funnel all of this adrenaline into driving her crazy in a better, less with the fighting kind of way.

Gah.

I think I've been thinking about this all wrong. It's not that I've been happy lately - I mean, I have, on some days - but what I've really felt is good. I feel good about things, the direction in which my life is headed, but I'm not happy.

There's a huge difference, and actually, I think I like this better.

I also think that I might have gone too far with Cara. I have a nasty habit of taking a long time to get angry and taking a longer time to stop being angry.

( More e-mails. )

I think I went too far in my last response. She apologized twice, and I kept pushing. I'm an idiot, and I need to figure out what I want from her before I fuck this all up.

I know I've uploaded The Reputation before, but just one or two tracks at a time right? Never all of To Force A Fate? I don't have their other cd (I'd love to, I just don't), but this one. Gah. Almost every song has this utterly visceral effect on me, breaking my heart and empowering me at the same time.

You know that question about if you were president, what would you make people do? I'd make them listen to The Reputation.

I think I'm going to be very happy this semester. My Creative Writing teacher is so enthusiastic. She's clearly intelligent, but also a little airheaded in a funny, friendly way, and that's my absolute favorite combination ever. Kristin doesn't like her. I found myself laughing all the way through class, but I didn't hear Kristin laugh once, and really, this is her least attractive quality. She hardly ever just lets herself enjoy anything. It's so funny that it's when I'm spending more time with the girl that I want her the least.

I have to turn in an "Introduction Letter" tomorrow about where I am in my writing, my experience, my personality, etc. I started writing it last night, and I was trying to explain how uncomfortable I am with my words lately and why that is, and I realized something. When I was with Kristin, I shied away from writing because I didn't want to rock the boat. I didn't want to write something unpleasant and have it upset her. And now that I'm not with her and now that I've got all these things in my life that I adore - friends and more than friends and school and work and my apartment and my family - I still don't want to rock the boat. I'm still afraid of upsetting things and causing myself chaos. And I hate that. Yes I want to keep the stability, but I want to write too and I can't keep fucking shying away from things just because they might cause complications. So. I'm going to work on that.

Okay, class now. Linguistics, mmm. I'm so excited I might dance all the way to the building.

Fuck. Honesty.

All right. No mincing words here, as I have been a little all summer.

I adore Cara. She's funny, she's smart. She has this intoxicating desire just to live and be alive. I've been drawn to her since we became friends. I didn't act on that while I was with Kristin, but I was drawn. Pulled. Dragged. Entranced.

I fully believe that she adores me in return, and I would be happy with her writing to me every two or three nights (although I make it a point to write her back the same night that she writes me). If we wrote back and forth every night, it would consume our lives. I'm working 20-25 hours a week. I'm taking 15 credit hours. Using the internet involves a 40 minute round trip car ride. I don't want her to consume my life. I don't want to lose myself in a relationship.

So. I would be happy with the casualness, the fitting me in when she's not too worn out from trying to keep up with her family - I'd be happy with that if she followed through. If she says she's going to write a certain night, I want her to write that night. If she doesn't specify, I would like to hear from her in four days or less. It's been a week now, and it was a week last time too. She says she loves me. I believe that the feelings are there. But if she really does love me, then I want to see that I matter to her. It doesn't take a week to send a single e-mail. I want to be some kind of priority to her. Some kind.

I create these fucking problems for myself. I should have called her on this - not just jokingly - months ago, but I didn't. I thought it would straighten itself out. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, but all it's left me with right now is the doubt.

( The e-mail. )

I guess we'll see how she responds. If she responds. When she responds.

Walked behind a girl who had two eighth notes tattooed behind her left ear.

Now I am thinking about how much I would like to be kissed behind my ear, how much I would like to be kissed at all. Kisses for my birthday, what I want every year (and receive, some years). I could call Annie, but I suspect that would be unsatisfying.

But oh, what I wouldn't do. Slow to begin and sweet throughout, hands on my hips, hair in my face.

[ETA: ( Rambling. )]

Ack. I can't cope with this.

My period usually has two effects on me. Increased sexual aggression for the first couple of days, and nausea the full week. My emotions? Are generally the same as they are the rest of the month. Not this time. Ugh.

I sent my mother copies of this post and this post yesterday. I've been opening up to her more than usual lately, and she mentioned having taken down the picture she had of me and Kristin in the dining room.

In her response to the entries, she said something that really hit a nerve. She said I was right about the big thing that happened before I left for school last summer. She thanked me.

( ... )

Once upon a time, I dated a girl named Mel.

She was sweet, but indecisive and unpredictable. And now she's leaving comments on my pictures on Myspace. And I feel weird, the way I always feel weird when I talk to her. I get the feeling she's planting land mines of some kind, like I'm about to stumble across a couple or seven, and I don't like it. I don't like feeling like this.

Maybe I'm just cynical.

[ETA: Speaking of Myspace pictures and feeling weird. The way my sister (on the left) is looking at the camera.

I need to get out of this mood.]

I hate money. I hate that it makes everything so hard and awkward. I just want to go to school.

Tonight I tried to talk to my dad about filling out forms for the loan renewal. He said, "i am going to have a problem with my credit. i am working on fixing it i will get back to u later tonight love u sam," and then getting back to me later consisted of sending me an e-card. (It's a cute card, but that's beside the point. I need to talk to him.)

Then I called my mom, partially to vent, but mostly to ask for advice about roommate/apartment hunting on a financial time line, and I am proud of myself - I talked so much that I wore her off the phone. Hee. It normally goes the other way.

Other than financial worries, today's been a really good day. I made dinner tonight - chicken and egg noodles. I pan-fried the chicken with olive oil and fresh basil (and other spices). Mmm. It was delicious, and now I am full. (See leiascully? I am eating. You do not need to fret.)

( Musical finds. )

And now I am going to bed! Because I have the taste of ice cream and toothpaste in my mouth and I have sweet lists to make in my sleep.

( My father, bizarre as always. )

I am currently psyching myself up to go take a shower. Last night there was a giant spider in the bathroom. I mean, giant, and it was heading for the shower. So I'm a little reluctant to climb in, even though the spider's dead and gone. Maybe there are others, and maybe there's a calling beacon in the shower.

It has not been a great week in the apartment. Lots of fighting, thanks to the fact that it takes me forever to get mad about anything.

( Stuff about the arguments. )

I would like my piece of the metaphoric cake now.

Why can't I just be cool about this?

It's only 160 characters. How hard can it be to say happy birthday and not sound like a total dumbass? This would be so much easier if I didn't know how much she likes me. I could just flirt my ass off, and I wouldn't care what she thought.

I guess I'm not going home this weekend after all. Kristin's disappointed, Ali's really disappointed, and I feel like a jackass.

The thing is that I want to go home for Montgomery Fest. I didn't get to see a fireworks display this year, and they always put on a good show. It'll cost me about $50 in gas, plus I need my share of this month's and next month's rent, plus I have to give Kristin the money for my new battery. I don't see why I won't have enough money for all of that, but I can't afford anything else.

I know I'm doing the smart thing, but I hate letting people down.

I'm too nice sometimes.

I wish I'd been better about writing things down when Kristin and I were fighting.

( Found this today. )

Now I'm curious what specifically inspired me to write that because, to the best of my knowledge, that was the first time I let myself put words to wanting to leave, to hating the way she treated me.

The other night she woke up as I was laying down, and she said something that made me laugh. I can't remember what it was, but my laughter made her reach over and ruffle my hair and tell me that I'm cute. Moments like that still make me happy, but they are fewer and fewer lately. Yesterday she couldn't wait to get on the road. I think she was upset about something, but she said she didn't want to talk about it, and then she insisted that she wasn't upset at all.

I had a whole list of things I was going to do today, buuut my car battery is dead. I would have walked and done my errands anyway, but the bank would have closed by the time I'd have made it there. I guess it'll have to wait until Monday.

( Called my mom this morning. )

And finally, I am still amused to death (to death!) by the fact that a random internet person knows Kit. Ahaha. So funny.