luxemburger

My mom just called.

She's leaving my stepdad.

My father claims he hasn't gotten high in over a year, and I feel, what, disappointed?

This doesn't fit into my universe.

Mmm. We cooked out at my grandma's Saturday night. My grandma grills a mean steak, and my great-aunt is having an affair with Jose the mailman. In other words, it was delicious and we laughed a lot. Yes.

( Pictures of me with my parents. )

Hee. Went to an exhibit opening tonight. Haven't been to one of those in forever.

It was mostly fun. I am going back tomorrow afternoon and buying myself my first expensive painting, as I have fallen in love with a moody purple crane. Me and my birds!

The only non-fun bit was when my mother accidentally encouraged the pervy old men to perv on me. (She claims the innuendo went over her head. I have my doubts.) I was standing with my mother, a married couple and then another man. The married couple were both familiar with Bloomington and IU, so we were talking about school... when my mother brought up the Kinsey Institute.

My mom: You've been there, right?
Me: I've been in the building...
The husband: A little self-directed study?
My mom: Oh, that'd be right up her alley!

I glared at my mom and made a beeline for the food table a couple of seconds later. Mmm, strawberries. What a delicious distraction from men who are way too old and way too male and way too married to be lecherous like that.

( Aurora! Art! )

So that was my night. We pretty much went straight over there once I got into town, and then we came home and my mom tried to get me drunk. Not really. She did give me tequila though. I played music for her (she likes the Justin Timberlake cover!), and we talked a lot, and it was fun, but I'm a little tired now.

Tomorrow my mom's going to make biscuits and gravy, and then I think we're going to head down to the literary festival before we go over to my grandma's for a cookout. And then I'm driving back! Crazy, but I have to work Sunday morning, so. Gotta do what I gotta do.

Walked behind a girl who had two eighth notes tattooed behind her left ear.

Now I am thinking about how much I would like to be kissed behind my ear, how much I would like to be kissed at all. Kisses for my birthday, what I want every year (and receive, some years). I could call Annie, but I suspect that would be unsatisfying.

But oh, what I wouldn't do. Slow to begin and sweet throughout, hands on my hips, hair in my face.

[ETA: ( Rambling. )]

Okay, I was not serious last night. Just very, very tired.

I had to share a bed with Ali Thursday night. Sharing a bed with Ali is difficult because she likes to roll on top of you while she sleeps. No matter how many times you push her away, she just rolls right back. So. I got about three hours of sleep, and that was only because eventually I got up and went for the couch.

I got up at 9:30 and had breakfast, then I started back to Indiana. The drive felt longer than usual because of construction and my idiocy - when you discover that you're lactose intolerant, that means avoid dairy! especially driving 200 miles, remember this. An upset stomach + summer construction around Chicago + 200 miles on 3 hours of sleep = NOT FUN!

I was hoping I'd make it back to Bloomington more quickly than I did. I wanted to take a nap before work, but that didn't happen. I got back a little after four, jumped in the shower, and was out the door by 4:35. Had to be to work at five.

Things were dead at work for the first, oh, five hours, and then the restaurant was literally FILLED with teenagers. There was a football game at one of the Bloomington high schools. It was crazy. No one knew whose order had already been taken, or if the same kids would be there when you came back with their food. They just kept streaming in the door. I don't think there were even seats for everyone.

(Note: high schoolers do not tip!)

So that was insane, and I didn't get off until one. At which point I checked my e-mail, wrote my cryptic little post, and went home and collapsed. I slept all day, yay. That was very, very nice. And now I'm going back to work!

I'm supposed to be sleeping in my sister's room, right?

I can't get in. She fell asleep on the floor, and then she must have rolled over at some point - because she's sleeping against the door. And she sleeps too soundly for me to wake her up, and she's too heavy to push out of the way. Ahaha. Guess I won't be going to bed.

It's okay though. I've got a kitty in my lap, nuzzling my wrists, and she's actually letting me hold her for once. I'd venture to say the cat missed me.

[ETA: Oh, and I've apparently lost twenty pounds. I knew I was losing weight, but didn't know how much. And my breasts aren't shrinking! This is good.]

Gah. My mother.

I have been infinitely more forthcoming than usual with her lately. Now that I told her more about the breakup, she thinks that the only reason I've been so closed off was because of the relationship. Oh no, not because of what happened between you and me, Mom. That had nothing at all to do with it.

And I'm a little frustrated by her conclusion, but really I'm pretty happy with my mother right now. It's kind of nice not to want to stab myself every time I talk to her.

Ack. I can't cope with this.

My period usually has two effects on me. Increased sexual aggression for the first couple of days, and nausea the full week. My emotions? Are generally the same as they are the rest of the month. Not this time. Ugh.

I sent my mother copies of this post and this post yesterday. I've been opening up to her more than usual lately, and she mentioned having taken down the picture she had of me and Kristin in the dining room.

In her response to the entries, she said something that really hit a nerve. She said I was right about the big thing that happened before I left for school last summer. She thanked me.

( ... )

I saved a skunk's life last night, but I think someone ran over it a couple of hours later. And I am sad over this!

Also, why is my mother on crack? We had a good conversation last night. She didn't talk over me! Or ignore half of what I said! But apparently she does not remember how parts of the conversation went, so she made things up. Way to go, Mom.

But appaaaaaarently my great-aunt knows I am gay. No one told her; my grandma said not to! I wish I could see my grandma's face when she realizes that Aunt Veronica figured it out on her own. But nothing! Nothing could be funnier than the time Grandma and Aunt Veronica tried to make potato salad and ended up wrestling over the potatoes. Oh god. Laughing now.

I e-mailed Kristin the other day to tell her that I had a couple of her DVDs and she had my first disc of Arrested Development, and she said we could exchange them. So! We had dinner last night. And I was obnoxious, and it was beautiful. I think she enjoyed herself, but it's hard to tell. In any case, I took great pleasure in mentioning as often as possible what a friennnnndly meal we were sharing.

My roommate came home at some point last night while I was dancing around the apartment. I don't know when. I have my fingers crossed that it was while I had my door shut, but all I know is that when I started dancing he wasn't there and when I finished he was. Damn the Smiths! And the HorrorPops! And Tegan & Sara! Let my feet rest. Please?

(Also, you know you're weird when you pay more attention to the cool way that What Difference Does It Make segues into Miss Take than to what your hand is doing between your legs. asdfghjkl;lkjhgfdsa! Lame.)

So how tacky would it be to ask your ex-girlfriend for the ruffly black skirt that you had hot sex in multiple times so that hot sex can be had again at some point in the future?

I have the stockings that go with it, but I think she has the skirt. Unless it's in my trunk. I'll check my trunk first, [ETA: Where the fuck did half of this paragraph go?] but if it's not there, then I'll e-mail her and ask if she wants the stockings. If she says yes I'll give them to her, but if she says no then I think she'd probably offer me the skirt. How to word this optimally...

(I am sneaky, yes. But the skirt is worth it.)

The other night at work one of the other servers found out I was gay, and he immediately assumed I'd been hired by Andy. (For the record, I wasn't.)

But I've been thinking about this. Andy and I get along, but it's not because we're both gay. Mutual gayness is an intensifier - it's like being from the same hometown. If you already like the person, you like them more because you have this thing in common. But if you don't like the person, then you like them less for having this thing in common because you don't want other people thinking that everyone who has this quality is like the person you don't like.

In other news that won't be news to anyone who knows me at all, my mother is embarrassing. And I do not want to go home next week. Bah.

Okay. Really have to figure out when I'm going to go home. I was going to go home next weekend, and then I got confused and thought I was going home this weekend, then I remembered that it was meant to be next weekend, but now? Now I think I'm working both weekends. And working is really the best thing for me because working means I get money and I need money, except there's Ali and my dad. And they are both counting on me to come home. Dammit.

Anyway. Jen gave me an extra shift Saturday night. I'll be there later than I've been yet, which means that I'm going to experience my first drunk rush. Yay for third shift. Apparently a production guy was asking Jen and Kelly about "the new girl" and whether or not she's cute, and they laughed and told him he's not my type. There was an embarrassing moment when he came in last night and we finally met and Jen said, "See, she's cute, but you're really not her type." I'm not sure if I was more embarrassed or if he was, but there was a fair amount of blushing involved.

I spent the night in the new place last night! I was worried about making a bad first living together impression on Eric because I wasn't scheduled to get off work until midnight, which means who knew when I'd be back. So I left him a little note (that I spent far too much time working on, I think I went through five drafts, yes I'm a loser), letting him know that I wouldn't be back till late so please don't come down with a baseball bat if you hear someone coming in, it's just me - and then he wasn't even there when I got back. I think I heard him come in around three. I guess he was serious when he said I'll have the place to myself most of the time.

I already miss having the internet, but I want to wait a couple of weeks before I have DSL hooked up. I'm at Panera now, and I'm going to go grocery shopping in a little bit. I'm not sure what to get. I want to spend as little money as possible, but I also want food to eat. I'm thinking about a big box of white rice, and then maybe things that go with rice. I could get some chicken and then just have variations on chicken and rice every night. That actually sounds pretty good. And filling. And repetitive, but hey. I can make sauces.

So yesterday Kristin and I took my bed and a couple of boxes over to the new place, and then we went back to her apartment for a couple of hours because I still had things there and it's much closer to work for me. So I was going to get ready for work, grab a couple more boxes, stick them in my car, go to work - and then go to my apartment to sleep. So once I left for work, I wasn't going to see Kristin again (until I went back for more of my stuff, anyway). Except I was wrong about what time I had to be to work - I thought 4, but I wasn't supposed to be in until 5 - so I went back, and when she opened the door, her eyes were red and she'd been crying. I sheepishly explained my mistake, and she swore rather loudly and told me I couldn't stay. So. That was awkward.

I went back for more of my stuff this afternoon, and that was less awkward. But not much less.

Have I mentioned that I'm happy to be out of there? The day before yesterday she had a list of six or seven movies she wanted from Blockbuster, so she asked me if I'd take her there since I'm the one with a card. So we went to Blockbuster, and when we got there she decided she didn't want any movies after all. I feel like this describes a lot about our relationship. I'm going to miss her, but the keywords on this icon have never been more appropriate.

I hate money. I hate that it makes everything so hard and awkward. I just want to go to school.

Tonight I tried to talk to my dad about filling out forms for the loan renewal. He said, "i am going to have a problem with my credit. i am working on fixing it i will get back to u later tonight love u sam," and then getting back to me later consisted of sending me an e-card. (It's a cute card, but that's beside the point. I need to talk to him.)

Then I called my mom, partially to vent, but mostly to ask for advice about roommate/apartment hunting on a financial time line, and I am proud of myself - I talked so much that I wore her off the phone. Hee. It normally goes the other way.

Other than financial worries, today's been a really good day. I made dinner tonight - chicken and egg noodles. I pan-fried the chicken with olive oil and fresh basil (and other spices). Mmm. It was delicious, and now I am full. (See leiascully? I am eating. You do not need to fret.)

( Musical finds. )

And now I am going to bed! Because I have the taste of ice cream and toothpaste in my mouth and I have sweet lists to make in my sleep.

( My father, bizarre as always. )

I am currently psyching myself up to go take a shower. Last night there was a giant spider in the bathroom. I mean, giant, and it was heading for the shower. So I'm a little reluctant to climb in, even though the spider's dead and gone. Maybe there are others, and maybe there's a calling beacon in the shower.

It has not been a great week in the apartment. Lots of fighting, thanks to the fact that it takes me forever to get mad about anything.

( Stuff about the arguments. )

I would like my piece of the metaphoric cake now.

I guess I'm not going home this weekend after all. Kristin's disappointed, Ali's really disappointed, and I feel like a jackass.

The thing is that I want to go home for Montgomery Fest. I didn't get to see a fireworks display this year, and they always put on a good show. It'll cost me about $50 in gas, plus I need my share of this month's and next month's rent, plus I have to give Kristin the money for my new battery. I don't see why I won't have enough money for all of that, but I can't afford anything else.

I know I'm doing the smart thing, but I hate letting people down.

I wish I'd been better about writing things down when Kristin and I were fighting.

( Found this today. )

Now I'm curious what specifically inspired me to write that because, to the best of my knowledge, that was the first time I let myself put words to wanting to leave, to hating the way she treated me.

The other night she woke up as I was laying down, and she said something that made me laugh. I can't remember what it was, but my laughter made her reach over and ruffle my hair and tell me that I'm cute. Moments like that still make me happy, but they are fewer and fewer lately. Yesterday she couldn't wait to get on the road. I think she was upset about something, but she said she didn't want to talk about it, and then she insisted that she wasn't upset at all.

I had a whole list of things I was going to do today, buuut my car battery is dead. I would have walked and done my errands anyway, but the bank would have closed by the time I'd have made it there. I guess it'll have to wait until Monday.

( Called my mom this morning. )

And finally, I am still amused to death (to death!) by the fact that a random internet person knows Kit. Ahaha. So funny.

Ah, Father's Day. I've called both John and my dad now, so I feel like a good daughter. I really lucked out with my parents. My mom and dad, crazy as they are, love me more than anything. John #1, when he was still in my life, was a wonderful father-figure, and (the other) John, my current stepdad, is probably the nicest, most generous man I've ever met. I don't know if I show my gratitude as well as I should sometimes, but I have been loved in my life, and I'm more thankful for that than I could ever express.

Talked to my mom for a while, who was happy to hear that my scholarship came through after all and disappointed to hear that I don't think things are going to work out with Kristin.

I'm glad she listened to me when I told her why I don't think things will work. I'm still distressed at the way she talks/talked about me spending my life with Kristin. I'm not looking to spend my life with anyone. I form deep attachments that tend to last for longer than a short period of time when I get involved with someone, but all I want is to be with that person until one of us wants out. (Of course, I still get sad when things end, but who doesn't.) That's all. I am devoted and loyal, but I do not want forever.

I went out for a drive to get out of the apartment for a little while tonight. Ended up in a parking lot on campus (with my computer), which is where I still am right now. It rained for a while, and I felt like the only person in the world, sitting here while the rain came down around me. Now it's done raining and I've got the windows rolled down again. I wouldn't trade my life for anything.

asdffjklhdl. It's a close tie, but I think my dad wins this particular battle for most deluded.

My mother, who asked me today if I would take a belly dancing class with her this summer. When I declined, she internet-pouted and said "everyone" had turned her down. When I asked who everyone was, she said she had thought that my little sister, my grandma, my mom and I would all take the class together.

Or... my father, who sent me this message: "I had an accident at work today. A 1300 lb roll of rubber fell off a truck and onto my legs. 5 guys couldn't get it off of me. We had to use a crane to pick it up. I'll get back to you tomorrow. You don't need to call. I have a tough time getting to the phone. Both my ankles and feet are swollen and black and blue. I won't die but I am extremely uncomfortable. Love you, Sam. Goodnight."

An ambulance was called to the scene, but he apparently waved it off. "It's just a couple of sprained ankles," he told me later on the phone. "I'm going to work tomorrow if they'll let me."