luxemburger

How happy am I? Mmm.

I wake up at seven in the morning to discover the sound of the rain on the roof. It's payday. I don't have to be to work until 10 pm. I saw Meghan every day last week, including four times outside of work. (Comparison: it took a month and a half to see her five times outside of work.) She's coming over again tonight. On Sunday, we're going on a double date with Kelly and Mike.

Last week she finally stopped trying to keep Kasey happy. When she came over last Wednesday night, she actually told Kasey she was coming over here. She also told her that she fully intends to pursue a relationship with me. Before she came over two nights ago, Meghan told her that I reciprocate the feelings. Kasey punched a hole in the wall. Yesterday she asked if we've kissed and if Meghan liked it, and Meghan said yes and yes.

She was so cute two nights ago. I was scheduled out of work at midnight, and at 12:07 I got a text message that said, "Can I come over?" I said yes but to hold on a second because I was finishing something up, and then she called three times before I managed to finish the something up. By the time I called her back, she was already 45 seconds away from being at my house.

Charis came over too that night, and the three of us sat on the couch downstairs talking. Charis at one end, Meghan and I at the other. Charis needed to vent about her roommate, but she left after a while. I grabbed Secretary (because I've been trying to get Meghan to watch it for months now), but we didn't even make it five minutes into the movie before I was scraping my fingernails over her forearms and her mouth was open against my ear, asking me why it is that she can't stop herself from touching me whenever we are watching a movie together.

Last night neither Kelly nor I worked, but Meghan and Mike both did. So we went together and sat in a booth for several hours. Margeaux and Kyle were both working, and that was sort of annoying, but it was bearable. Meghan and I ran into each other in the bathroom, me on my way out and her on her way in. I slid backwards back into the room, as I was halfway out the door when I ran into her, and she put her hands against the door handle to keep it shut while we kissed.

She kissed me again before she left, in the parking lot, raising the number of times we've kissed at work to a grand total of four. Before last night, it was just the once that I kissed her in the dish room (when no one else but Matt (who has since been fired) was present), and the once that she kissed me against the door to the walk-in refrigerator (which I saw coming from miles away and it was all the better for all of the tension leading up to it).

Today I plan on going back to bed, getting up and cleaning my room REALLY well, going to the bank, doing laundry, cleaning my room some more. Then work for three hours and coming back here to "watch a movie." Ahaha. Watch a movie.

( Pictures from last weekend! )

Also, leiascully, you shall have your blueprints. Hussy.

Firefox 2.0, you are a bitch!

Recent would-be entries required filters. Firefox 2.0's Remember Password feature prevents the use of filters! Thus! No recent entries.

Things that have happened to me in the last two weeks: threesome, sexual harassment, one month anniversary of first "I love you"s, spraining of the ankle, stomach flu, firing of co-worker, very nice paycheck, five am trip to Wal-Mart to purchase board games, small gathering at my house, Meghan agrees to let me transfer, getting drunk for the first time, playing truth-or-dare while drunk, kissing four of my friends as a result of said drunken truth-or-dare, finding out all of my friends want to sleep with me, two month anniversary of first "I like you"s, co-worker tells Meghan she thinks I have a crush on her and that if Meghan ever "went for women" we'd be the hottest couple ever.

Things that will happen to me in the next twelve hours: sex with the redhead herself for the first time in three weeks!

The girl is not going to know what hit her. I have had way too much attention from other people and not enough from her. My aggressive side is coming out tonight!

Story.

I went to Mike's party. Kelly was there. Kelly is one of my best friends. Kelly and I know, maybe not everything, but A LOT about each other. She was the first person I told about Meghan (outside of my journal). So she's at the party, or really we were there together, and we stick pretty close to each other all night. We're very touchy-feely, very flirtatious. I mean, we're both flirts so we flirt with each other all the time, but it felt... serious, I guess, last night.

Mike was a good host. He took a lot of pictures (there are probably 50 of me and Kelly with our arms around each other). He made sure everyone was having fun. He gave me his favorite glass (a Cubs beer pint) and told me to be hot and use it for my drink.

I mentioned that Kelly had a thing for Mike, yes? And that Mike probably had a thing for her and that I thought he might have a thing for me too? Yeah. He made that pretty clear. He made sure Kelly and I were both taken care of, more than anyone else, and when he took pictures, he took them mostly of me and her. When he'd review the pictures he'd already taken, he'd stop at good shots of us and say, "I really like that one."

They kissed a couple of times, at my orchestration, and I thought I was going to cream my pants just watching them. Mike and I were sitting on the kitchen counter, and our knees were touching. Kelly was standing between his legs, and I bent down and whispered that she should kiss him, then I told him that she had something to tell him and I guided their heads together. Their first kiss was way intense, and my knee was still touching Mike's knee and his fingers curled around my hand while they kissed.

A very drunk guy that we all work with told me that he wants to sleep with me, that he could turn me bisexual, which led to a conversation about my sexuality, in which I said, "If I met a guy I wanted to date, I probably would. But it doesn't happen very often."

To which Mike responded, "Is there a guy like that in your life right now?"

I crossed my arms and leaned against the wall, thinking about whether or not I should respond honestly. He was sitting on the counter again, and Spynn was standing between us. I moved my head so that I was looking at him when I answered.

The idea of a threesome was kind of in the air, at least between Kelly and I - the guy she's been sleeping with for the last seven months
(and the only person she'd ever slept with) told her he wanted to have one with her and Jen (she said no). We were sitting against each other on the couch, and she said you could tell that he and I were talking about each other, and I asked her about the kiss they'd shared. I made a non-joke about never having wanted a threesome before, and she agreed and we had a moment of hey-are-we-being-serious-about-this? (Conclusion: yes. We were.)

So Kelly and I got Mike to sit on our laps - half on my leg and half on her leg, and my hand stroked Kelly's leg underneath him and her hand grabbed his ass and stroked my leg at the same time. And he still didn't have a clue, but oh we did, and when he leaned forward (he was facing away from us), we would lean our heads together and whisper about what we were doing and how much we wanted to do it and how we couldn't/shouldn't/probably would.

She did a half-laugh at one point and said she couldn't tell me something. I said please. I said please several more times, and she said, "When I first met you, I was very, very, very attracted to you." She also said, "You make me dizzy."

"Tonight?" I asked.

"You make me dizzy all the time," she said. "You always surprise me."

Then she said, "When you first started talking about Meghan, I was hoping you were talking about me."

When she said that, she started to tear up - she said it was because of the emotional honesty. I pulled her into the bathroom, and she put the lid down on the toilet and sat down, and I knelt between her legs. There was a lot of staring, and we tried to talk.

"Talk to me," I said.

"You make me want to be honest," she said.

A few minutes later, I said, "I love Meghan..."

"And I don't want you to question that," she said.

"I don't," I said. "But I look at you and I look at Mike... and you. There's a lot of looking at you."

We laughed then, the soft, frustrated kind of laughter, and we leaned closer and put our arms around each other. When we leaned back apart, there was a moment where we looked at each other and I knew without a doubt that I was about to kiss her, and then I did.

We kissed until they started knocking on the door, and then we straightened ourselves out and went back into the living room.

And that's when my judgment pretty much went out the window. We went back into the living room, and eventually we pulled Mike into the bathroom. He was resistant at first, nice guy that he is. He said he didn't want to do anything because he was afraid it'd come down to choosing between us.

"Pick Kelly," I said.

He resisted until Kelly mouthed "Kiss me" at me, and we started kissing again. The three of us kissed until people started knocking on the bathroom door, then we moved back into the living room. Kelly and I sat together, and after a while he came over and laid in front of me, pulling my arm around him. So it was me and Mike spooning with both of our heads on Kelly's lap. Kelly used one hand to play with his hair and one hand to skim over my hips and into my back pocket.

Mike sent us both upstairs to his bedroom after a while, and he kicked everyone else out. Kelly and I got started without him, and then he joined in, and oh. Oh my god.

Resolution! Yes.

( The boy thing. )

( The Meghan thing. )

She can't come to Mike's party tonight, as he lives right next to the store and it'd be sort of obvious that she was breaking the "no socializing" rule. I wish she was coming. They're going to try to get me drunk, but I have a standing promise from Meghan that she'll be there the first time I agree to get drunk and that she'll stay with me all night. And that is not an offer I plan on refusing. No sirree.

Dear anyone who loves me,

Songs whose lyrics use the word 'baby' as a direct address. I need them! I don't care about genre or mood. I want anything and everything you can give me! I am a sucker for the direct address.

Please indulge my weird fetish.

Also: My insomnia is back. I was doing better for a while, but lately...

Sunday night I didn't sleep at all. Tuesday night I didn't sleep at all. Last night I got two hours of sleep, maybe three. On the bright side, I've been relatively productive this week, as I told myself if I was going to be awake, I was going to be awake and doing shit. Yesterday by nine o'clock in the morning, I'd already washed, dried and folded two loads of laundry, gotten my oil changed and washed and vacuumed my car. Which is nice, but I'd still rather have slept.

On the other bright side, I can start blaming some of my stranger habits on the fact that I haven't been sleeping. Unfortunately that excuse will never fly with people who already know me even the littlest bit. Hmm. Perhaps I should make myself some new acquaintances!

Also also: I started PMSing a week and a half ago. Why am I not bleeding yet? Jesus Christ. Not cool, body. Not cool, hormones. My period used to be so predictable.

Also also also: ANI. TOMORROW NIGHT. ASDJLKJGFDSA!

Fuuuuuuck yes.

Ani in Chicago on the 13th, Regina Spektor in Bloomington on the 14th, and I've already got my Halloween costume picked out.

[ETA: Hee. Last night I walked around work saying things like, "Hey, so-and-so, you'll stop me, won't you? If you've heard this one before? The one where I surprise you - by showing up at your front door?" Oh man. My love for quoting lyrics conversationally knows no boundaries.]

Ahaha. Today I am wearing black pants, a black sweater, carrying my black bag, and wearing black-and-white Converses. All I need to look "cool" is a cigarette dangling from my fingertips. And possibly a couple of piercings because as of last night, I am piercingless.

Kelly and I are buying tickets to see Regina Spektor on Friday! Not to see her on Friday, but buying the tickets on Friday. She's coming to the Buskirk-Chumley, and there's no way that I'm going to miss this show. I'm still a little pissed that I missed Tegan and Sara last year. I mean, it was for a good cause, but still. Tegan and Sara were here, the tickets were cheap, and I did not see them.

(If anyone would like to come to Bloomington for a Regina Spektor concert on October 14th, my apartment is definitely available as a place for you to stay. Seriously. Come. But let me know soon so I can pick up the extra tickets because they're expected to sell out fast.)

This weekend is going to be craaaaazy. I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it or not.

...I lie. I'm looking forward to it. I'm definitely looking forward to it.

Hee. Went to an exhibit opening tonight. Haven't been to one of those in forever.

It was mostly fun. I am going back tomorrow afternoon and buying myself my first expensive painting, as I have fallen in love with a moody purple crane. Me and my birds!

The only non-fun bit was when my mother accidentally encouraged the pervy old men to perv on me. (She claims the innuendo went over her head. I have my doubts.) I was standing with my mother, a married couple and then another man. The married couple were both familiar with Bloomington and IU, so we were talking about school... when my mother brought up the Kinsey Institute.

My mom: You've been there, right?
Me: I've been in the building...
The husband: A little self-directed study?
My mom: Oh, that'd be right up her alley!

I glared at my mom and made a beeline for the food table a couple of seconds later. Mmm, strawberries. What a delicious distraction from men who are way too old and way too male and way too married to be lecherous like that.

( Aurora! Art! )

So that was my night. We pretty much went straight over there once I got into town, and then we came home and my mom tried to get me drunk. Not really. She did give me tequila though. I played music for her (she likes the Justin Timberlake cover!), and we talked a lot, and it was fun, but I'm a little tired now.

Tomorrow my mom's going to make biscuits and gravy, and then I think we're going to head down to the literary festival before we go over to my grandma's for a cookout. And then I'm driving back! Crazy, but I have to work Sunday morning, so. Gotta do what I gotta do.

Classes start Monday, so I am making the most of my free time. Between work and school, I don't know that I'm going to have much of it after next week.

I had the most amazing lemon chicken tonight. I hate when breaded chicken has more breading than chicken, but this was. So good. Thin thin thin breading. Crispy. And so much chicken that I only ate a third of what they gave me, and I took the rest home.

My stomach heart stomach belongs to Sunny Palace.

Also! I have the cutest new shoes. They're fake-suede purple flats with flowers on the toes. And they were free! (Which makes them even cuter.) My grandma bought them (or was it Aunt Veronica? I'm not sure), and then she decided she didn't like them after all, so. They came to me! I'm not sure what it says about my taste that I inherit my cute shoes from my grandma, but I'm sure it says something.

I mention the shoes because they are adorable, but they also killed my feet tonight. I drive past a house every day that has a couple of swings with very, very tall chains in its backyard, and I get swing-envy every time I pass the house. So tonight I went to Karst Farm Park and hung around on the swings for a while. The swings are a little too low to the ground, but you get high really quickly. Awesome. And I didn't even lose my shoes! (I usually do.)

After I was done swinging, I walked around the park for a while. Probably only about a mile and half, really, if the signs are correct, but god. Should not have done that in these shoes. Really should not have done that. And that reminds me, I need to buy a pair of athletic shoes.

[ETA: And the word "shoes"? Appears waaaaaaay too many times in this entry. I'm going to have to start referring to them by some other name, à la Frindle.]

I fully intend to lose my voice tonight. We're leaving for Louisville in a couple of hours. I offered (multiple times) to find someone else to go with me, but Kristin says she wants to go. Whatever. I guess we're friends for a few more days.

One more road trip, and I am never going to come off of this weekend's high. Signing the lease. My mom calling to say that the bastard confessed to everything. Taking tables of my own and having J think I've done this before. Cara coming home. Seeing Sleater-Kinney.

( Apartment stuff. )

Okay. Have to get ready for the concert. This is going to be bittersweet.

Roadtrip!

I'll be back sometime on the 4th.

_{Bloomington people, where's a good place to watch the fireworks, provided I get back in time for that?}

This is going to be a long update.

1.) The short version of the story behind this entry: I finally convinced Kristin that nothing awful would happen if she'd act like herself around me. She let her guard down. I realized moments later, as she was leaning over me, looking as happy as I've seen her look in a long time, that my heart is just... not in it. Suffice to say, I felt like a jackass.

At that point, I told her that I'm not in love anymore, and that there's a chance I'll still want to come back eventually, but it's a slim chance and I have no idea what she'd have to do to convince me that things wouldn't be like before. This led to a conversation about how much she never realized how much I meant to her until I was gone and how sorry she is for the mistakes she made in our relationship.

I finally got an apology for the time she accused me of raping her. (That would be the first quotation in the entry.) Something tells me it's not going to be that easy to forget, however.

2.) Despite the fact that I said I'm not in love with her anymore, she told me she still wants to fight for us. I told her to go ahead. I think she's re-thought, however. She hasn't said anything to me, but that's the feeling I get. I'm not surprised, but I am disappointed. I wanted to believe her when she said she'd fight.

3.) My aunt has offered to let us stay with her when we go to California next weekend. Sadly (and possibly ironically), I have always wanted to bring a girl with me. I adore my aunt's house, which is tiny and has giant windows that overlook a hill and the ocean. I adore my aunt. And preferably, I would adore the girl. While I adore Kristin in a certain way, it's not the same.

I have these fantasies of the guest bedroom, waking up to the sun and the breeze. That's how it always is when I visit alone, and I wanted someone to share the experience with me. I never imagined it would happen like this.

4.) ( People on OkCupid irritate me. )

5.) ( Jasmin is still the queen of distressing conversations. )

"Simple and complicated all at the same time." I think this is probably a good description of me. Unfortunately, I think she meant it as an insult. Ugh.

6.) Kristin is going to Missouri this weekend. I have no idea why. She says she just feels like it, but I'm pretty sure she hates the drive. So. I don't know what's going on there, but it means I get the apartment to myself for three days, as she's leaving tomorrow around 11.

We were supposed to go to the carnival down the street, but I guess that won't be happening.

( Mild TMI. )

Next weekend (as in nine days from now), I am going on a road trip! A whirlwind affair of a thing, five days to get there and back. Kristin got last minute tickets to one of the sold-out Hyde concerts, and I am tagging along because a) it's a road trip b) we'll be going through several states I've never seen before and c) (although really this is the most important part) I think I'm going to get to see my aunt. Whee! Road trip. My aunt!

Concert!

Am seeing Harry and the Potters in approximately an hour and a half.

I told several people about the show (which is free and on campus) yesterday and was disappointed by how few people had heard of them. Is it just a fandom thing then?