luxemburger

How happy am I? Mmm.

I wake up at seven in the morning to discover the sound of the rain on the roof. It's payday. I don't have to be to work until 10 pm. I saw Meghan every day last week, including four times outside of work. (Comparison: it took a month and a half to see her five times outside of work.) She's coming over again tonight. On Sunday, we're going on a double date with Kelly and Mike.

Last week she finally stopped trying to keep Kasey happy. When she came over last Wednesday night, she actually told Kasey she was coming over here. She also told her that she fully intends to pursue a relationship with me. Before she came over two nights ago, Meghan told her that I reciprocate the feelings. Kasey punched a hole in the wall. Yesterday she asked if we've kissed and if Meghan liked it, and Meghan said yes and yes.

She was so cute two nights ago. I was scheduled out of work at midnight, and at 12:07 I got a text message that said, "Can I come over?" I said yes but to hold on a second because I was finishing something up, and then she called three times before I managed to finish the something up. By the time I called her back, she was already 45 seconds away from being at my house.

Charis came over too that night, and the three of us sat on the couch downstairs talking. Charis at one end, Meghan and I at the other. Charis needed to vent about her roommate, but she left after a while. I grabbed Secretary (because I've been trying to get Meghan to watch it for months now), but we didn't even make it five minutes into the movie before I was scraping my fingernails over her forearms and her mouth was open against my ear, asking me why it is that she can't stop herself from touching me whenever we are watching a movie together.

Last night neither Kelly nor I worked, but Meghan and Mike both did. So we went together and sat in a booth for several hours. Margeaux and Kyle were both working, and that was sort of annoying, but it was bearable. Meghan and I ran into each other in the bathroom, me on my way out and her on her way in. I slid backwards back into the room, as I was halfway out the door when I ran into her, and she put her hands against the door handle to keep it shut while we kissed.

She kissed me again before she left, in the parking lot, raising the number of times we've kissed at work to a grand total of four. Before last night, it was just the once that I kissed her in the dish room (when no one else but Matt (who has since been fired) was present), and the once that she kissed me against the door to the walk-in refrigerator (which I saw coming from miles away and it was all the better for all of the tension leading up to it).

Today I plan on going back to bed, getting up and cleaning my room REALLY well, going to the bank, doing laundry, cleaning my room some more. Then work for three hours and coming back here to "watch a movie." Ahaha. Watch a movie.

( Pictures from last weekend! )

Also, leiascully, you shall have your blueprints. Hussy.

I live in Bizarro Land. Really, really I do.

Almost three weeks ago, I had a threesome with two of my friends. (Permanently unfinished entry on the subject.) When we were done (or rather when I was done because they kept going after I left), I climbed out of the bed, gargled, and walked across the parking lot and into Steak n Shake to visit Meghan. She couldn't stop smiling she was so happy to see me, and she made me strawberry-covered pancakes and held my hand all the way to the bank. I gave her these two snowmen I'd found at the craft store the night before, one with her name on it and one with mine. She told me one of the nights I spent at her house that she couldn't ever find things printed with her name on them because of the unconventional spelling, and I knew she'd be delighted. She was.

I didn't tell her about having sex with Kelly and Mike. Even when she told me she'd had her place to herself the night before, that she hadn't told me sooner because she'd wanted me to go out and have fun, I didn't tell her and I didn't feel particularly guilty over it either. It was just. It had nothing to do with her. It was about being attracted to two people who were both attracted to me, and knowing that I could trust them, knowing we were all going to be able to look each other in the eye the next day.

A week ago, I kissed four of my friends. Kelly and Mike again, plus Jen and Spynn. We were all drinking, and it was part of a game. I told Meghan about it the next day, and she didn't care. She was jealous she missed the party, but she didn't mind that I'd kissed everyone.

"That's what people do," she said. "You're with friends, and you play games like Truth or Dare and people kiss each other."

( Friday. )

( Saturday. )

Later, after the conversation with my roommate, I stopped by Steak n Shake because I had some books to return to Kristin. She was supposed to stop by the store Saturday night, but she didn't, and then I forgot the books there, so she came by and I handed them to her and she ran away.

"Was that the ex?" Jen asked. "The new one is much cuter."

Jen had also written a note for me about Thanksgiving. My name was on the outside, but on the inside it said, "Sam/Meg (I know you'll get this message to her.) *stuff about our Thanksgiving plans*" My delight cannot be contained. My friendships and my relationships have never intersected like this before. I love, love, love the fact that we have the same group of friends, and that it's just an accepted thing that we're together. Oh man. And I love, love, love the number of times I've heard Meghan call me her girlfriend since Saturday morning.

Mmm. Girlfriend girlfriend girlfriend. I don't think I deserve her easy forgiveness, but I'm going to take it and I'm going to hold onto it best as I can.

Firefox 2.0, you are a bitch!

Recent would-be entries required filters. Firefox 2.0's Remember Password feature prevents the use of filters! Thus! No recent entries.

Things that have happened to me in the last two weeks: threesome, sexual harassment, one month anniversary of first "I love you"s, spraining of the ankle, stomach flu, firing of co-worker, very nice paycheck, five am trip to Wal-Mart to purchase board games, small gathering at my house, Meghan agrees to let me transfer, getting drunk for the first time, playing truth-or-dare while drunk, kissing four of my friends as a result of said drunken truth-or-dare, finding out all of my friends want to sleep with me, two month anniversary of first "I like you"s, co-worker tells Meghan she thinks I have a crush on her and that if Meghan ever "went for women" we'd be the hottest couple ever.

Things that will happen to me in the next twelve hours: sex with the redhead herself for the first time in three weeks!

The girl is not going to know what hit her. I have had way too much attention from other people and not enough from her. My aggressive side is coming out tonight!

Resolution! Yes.

( The boy thing. )

( The Meghan thing. )

She can't come to Mike's party tonight, as he lives right next to the store and it'd be sort of obvious that she was breaking the "no socializing" rule. I wish she was coming. They're going to try to get me drunk, but I have a standing promise from Meghan that she'll be there the first time I agree to get drunk and that she'll stay with me all night. And that is not an offer I plan on refusing. No sirree.

Entry. I promised an entry.

I spent the night at Meghan's last night. We can only see each other outside of work when her roommate's not around - she also works for Steak n Shake and she's sort of unpredictable, so telling her at this point would be dangerous. It's frustrating that we see each other 4-5 times a week, but hardly ever outside of work, but the stolen moments more than make up for it.

Especially since I know how eager she is to move into a place of her own.

She's going to another store in December. She originally told me that they asked her to transfer, but it came out last week that she asked them for the transfer. (I asked her when she decided to transfer. "When I knew I couldn't just be friends with you." When did she know that? "Before I told you we should be just friends.")

This information came out during our date, which was the most romantic night of my life. Seriously. She held doors for me, and she had a rose waiting for me in her fridge when we got back from the movie. She didn't sleep all night, but she held me while I did. We had a lot of discussions about things we should and shouldn't do until December. Things like sex - if we're sleeping together, is that going to make it better or worse to have to play it cool so much of the time?

I told her, as far as sex goes, it's going to be hard either way. It probably didn't help that I was straddling her while we had this conversation, considering the fact we only reached a conclusion when her right hand slid up my thigh a few minutes later.

And afterwards we were cuddling and there was music playing, and I can't remember the song but it was a guy singing, and he said, "I'm so in love with you," which made me exhale-laugh into her neck, which led to questioning of what I was thinking about, which led to hedging. Which eventually led to confessions of feelings.

I hope I never forget her reaction. The way she twisted around in my arms and looked at me. She put her hand on the side of my face and kissed me - so soft and intently - and then were her words, which only came afterwards.

She met my parents last weekend, albeit only while they were in the store. She was so nervous she trembled, but my mom loves her already.

I've been sick and cranky since then though. My stupid period. I'm not even bleeding yet. I shouldn't be this miserable. I bit everyone's head off at work on Sunday (did I really? I can't remember now), and then I was sick all Monday night. Tuesday I worked - wasn't scheduled to, but I am a sucker for extra hours - but I started to feel sick again at the end of my shift. Meghan made me sit down, and she tried to make me drink tea. When I wouldn't, she took me out back and made me sit on the curb with her, and she rubbed my back.

Last night she told me to come over if I got out of work early enough. I got out at nine, which was early enough, so I went over and we cuddled on the couch for a couple of hours before moving into her bedroom. Poor thing had to be to work at eight this morning. I stayed curled up in her bed after she left. I found myself burying my face in her pillow every other minute. Smells just like her.

I need to clean up my apartment this afternoon. She's coming over for the couple of hours between the end of her shift and the beginning of mine. Ack. This place is such a mess. I think I'll do that after I get some more sleep though. Mmm.

(Also, because taikitten asked the other day, ( pictures. ))

Oh man, I'm reading this story, right? It's a pretty romantic story, so of course there's the obligatory exchanging of the I-love-yous, and what do I do? I burst into tears.

So many, many moments I don't want to forget about the other night.

Meghan gave me a CD last night. "You thought I was a sap before," she said, "just wait. Not to brag, but I think you're going to like me even more after this."

I went home and listened to the whole thing all the way through and filled in the titles for myself. I had to google a couple of things, but I knew the songs for the most part.

Two reactions: the girl is a sap! a huge sap! and yes, yes, now I like her even more.

( The songs. )

Tonight we are going on our "first date." She's taking me out to dinner, then to the movies, and then back to her place, as her roommate will not be coming home at all tonight. ("That's interesting," I said when she told me the last part. "Yeah, that's what I thought too..." she replied.)

I am so nervous! And excited! And comforted by the fact that she's a thousand times more nervous than I am. The other night she texted me at four-thirty in the morning, half an hour after she'd already said goodnight, to ask me what I want to drink at her house.

Ahhhhh. I can't believe this is happening.

SHE'S TRANSFERRING STORES. SO WE CAN BE TOGETHER.

asfgndfjkghbsflkjghsdflkjghsfdljkgsdfjklgdfjklsbgsdfjkbgsdfklbvdfskljbfd.

One point for me.

Meghan quit smoking a couple of weeks ago. About a month ago, I think. But she's been having one or two cigarettes on stressful nights at work, and she smoked while we were all drinking at Jen's, and last night she had someone just go ahead and buy her another pack. I teased her that that's not really quitting.

A few minutes later, she came up to me.

Her: Would you still like me if I smoked?
Me: Yeah.
Her: Yeah?
Me: Wait, would it make a difference if I said no?
Her: Yeah. That's why I quit in the first place. I wanted to impress you.

A MONTH AGO.

She also gave me my birthday present last night. A gorgeous soft leather-covered journal and a book of the best 1000 movies on DVD. Because she's a big movie buff and I never catch her references.

"If I have to watch them all with you," she said, "that's all right with me."

( Then things got confusing. )

( Then I was a little bit assertive and things got better. )

At that point, she signed onto AIM. We talked for a little over an hour and a half. It was a good conversation, and I'm feeling pretttttty nice this morning, even though I went to bed four hours ago and now have to head to class and then back to Aurora. Mmm. Yes.

Have taken to calling Cara my mad lib girlfriend (but only in my head). It's in reference to the way that she says, "I have more to say" at the end of all her e-mails, despite the fact that she'll completely change the subject the next time she writes. I like to imagine the more, whatever it is, and I spend the days between wondering what it might be, and she rarely ends up telling me, so. My mad lib girlfriend, leaving me to fill the blanks in for myself.

I wonder how well this relationship would work if we were more... I don't know how to put it. If we were writing back and forth every night. If we were using AIM or Yahoo or Google Talk. I don't think either of us would be as happy, and that's sort of weird for me, to be happy with this arrangement. It's so much less time-intensive than I'm used to.

Mmm. Things have been very, very good since she got back from her trip. She's in love with me (said it before I did!), "more in love with [me] every day," happier than she can ever remember being, is willing (wants) to go slowly with me (see this post), etc. etc.

[ETA: Oh! and my mother knows about her now. She didn't even bat an eye when I mentioned that I'm aiming toward going to London next summer. She knows me well!]

You know what I like?

Cake. Metaphoric fucking cake.

I really like that the laundromat has wireless internet. It makes running errands so much easier.

I got a box of clementines and a loaf of bread and some sliced turkey the other day during my grocery store expedition. So I am living on turkey sandwiches and clementines, which are apparently not tangerines - they are a cross between oranges and mandarin oranges, mmm. And miniature chocolate bars and water and food from Steak n Shake. Delicious.

Ahaha. It only took me a little over a week to come up with the security deposit. I love my job. I really, really love my job. I'm on the schedule for five days a week right now, which means lots of bonding time with my co-workers. Gay manager knows that I am also gay now, and he said that he's going to make everyone go with us to a gay bar when I turn 21. Granted it's going to be a couple of years before that happens, but still.

Andy (gay manager) and Jen made bets about me. About a) whether or not I own flannel and b) whether or not I'm high maintenance. Jen has spent more time with me, but Andy won both bets. Weird. Also now I wonder why anyone would think I'm high maintenance because - I'm not. Jen thinks I just haven't embraced it in myself yet.

Straight girl (apparently I'm not allowed to call her this as it's not exactly true anymore, but I like the appellation) is supposedly coming by the restaurant tonight. I'm hoping that she will just naturally be one of my tables and that I won't have to ask to take one out of turn.

I'm torn between liking her and not liking her. Neither one of us wants to date the other, so really it doesn't matter if I like her or not, but I would like to be able to say that I like her. I'm just not sure that I do. She's fun to go out to dinner with, and fun to... not go out to dinner with. But the conversation is stilted a lot of the time, and she's my age but two years behind me in school, which wouldn't be a problem except she's also really immature. At the same time, I find it sort of cute how she's rebellious and yet... really naive. So. I guess I like her well enough.

Speaking of. I haven't seen my roommate yet, but he did come home while she was over the other night, and I didn't notice until I heard his bedroom door shut. Way to make a wonderful impression, Sam.

Okay. Time to go to the bank.

I am going to die from the hotness.

( Casting spoiler for the Golden Compass/Northern Lights movie. )

I fully intend to lose my voice tonight. We're leaving for Louisville in a couple of hours. I offered (multiple times) to find someone else to go with me, but Kristin says she wants to go. Whatever. I guess we're friends for a few more days.

One more road trip, and I am never going to come off of this weekend's high. Signing the lease. My mom calling to say that the bastard confessed to everything. Taking tables of my own and having J think I've done this before. Cara coming home. Seeing Sleater-Kinney.

( Apartment stuff. )

Okay. Have to get ready for the concert. This is going to be bittersweet.

Why my little sister will always be a better dancer than me: I'd rather dance to The Smiths. I'm going to have to come to terms with this, aren't I? My music isn't made for rump shaking.

I can't believe the weekend is already over. I worked Thursday night and Saturday night, and last night I watched the first season of Grey's Anatomy... but the rest of the weekend? I slept a lot? And procrastinated a lot? Oh and one night I thought there was a giant rat in the bathroom. I went in there holding the broom, ready to flail, but it turned out to be the neighbors doing something weird to the wall. (Well, I hope it was the neighbors doing something weird to the wall. I saw no giant rat.)

Heeee. I love the new job. I've only had two nights in uniform so far, and one of those nights was spent taking qualification quizzes, but Saturday night I got to make shakes and follow my trainer around to her tables. I am a dork and it makes me blushy and excited when people tell me that I am helpful.

My trainer reminds me of someone, but I can't figure out who. One of the other trainers reminds me of Allison Sperling (in that she's short and funny and good at getting people to do things). I like everyone a lot, and I think one of the managers is gay, if I caught the conversation that I think I did. Even if he's not, I like him anyway.

I was worried I'd feel out of place at work, but I don't and that makes me happy. Now all I have to worry about is making sure I get enough money and making sure my dad re-applies for that loan. I wonder when I should talk to him about that. Maybe tomorrow, if he gets online.

Got the job.

Holy shit. Was not expecting that.

_{Hee! I'm a dork and I've wanted to work at Steak n Shake since I was a kid and the only time I got to eat there was when I'd go downstate with my family. This is weird. In a good way.}

There's nothing spectacular about that picture, but I find myself looking at it and looking at it, recalling the feeling of her face between my shoulder blades. It makes me feel good about myself to recognize the importance of little moments while they're still fresh in my mind. I file them away in the folds of my brain, and in quiet moments (or moments I wish were quiet...) I take them out and add more details as I remember them.

When I read Patience & Sarah a few weeks ago, I noticed what sparse use Isabel Miller made of descriptions. One character was described solely with the freckles on their cheeks. Yet somehow the characters are so vivid in my mind. I wonder if that's what it's like with real people too. We remember small things, but the small things paint a larger picture.

It's something to consider.

( Pictures for my own reference. <strike>I want to lose weight.</strike> I lied. )

I think today qualifies as a good day so far.

My favorite purple skirt, legs currently unshaven for going on four months. I know people like my mother would cringe if they knew, but I just don't care. It's my skirt, and I feel pretty in it. (Of course that doesn't change the fact that I plan on shaving this weekend. It's been long enough, I think.)

I think I've got an ending for my Creative Writing short story. I definitely have a plot. It's not very dramatic, but it ought to make a good story. I'll be happy with it, in any case. (Anyone want to beta eventually?) Eleanor, the main character, is one of the only students at her private school whose family doesn't attend the Sunday mass. The story is mostly about her fixation on the possibility of a natural disaster, but there's also a side plot about her crush on the other "outsider" at the school.

I got an A on a test I thought for sure I was going to fail. (Actually, I expected a C, like I got on the midterm. It's really hard to pay attention in that class.) The AI said my essay was spotty on details, which is true. I took all of my details from my answers for the multiple-choice questions because those were the only details I was sure of.

I wrote outside for a while, leaning against the driest wall I could find. I stayed out there until my papers started blowing away, and then I gave up. (Also, I had class to head toward, so.)

I'll be even happier in an hour and a half when I'm completely done with classes for the week. *clings to her weekend*