luxemburger

My body is scaring me a little bit.

I am packing for Michigan, and trying to find pants in my wardrobe that don't hang off of me - and I tried on these jeans that I found in my dad's apartment on Christmas Day. I brought them home with me because I thought they might fit Meghan, and then I never actually gave them to her.

They fit me now.

I haven't worn these jeans in what? Five, six years. They're a non-stretchy pair of 10s. 10s! My hips haven't been able to squeeze into a pair of those in SO long. I don't know if I'm happy about this or if it freaks me out. The sad thing is that I still think I look sort of fat when I look in the mirror, even though I have to have lost at LEAST 15 pounds.

Of course, feeling fat could be more of a symptom of the heartbreak, rather than any actual self-judgment. Who knows. We'll see how I feel later.

Okay, this is really gross, but my Googling skills are not proving that helpful right now.

I haven't had a steady appetite in three weeks. Some days I don't eat anything at all, others I eat close to "normally," but whenever I do eat, and I do mean WHENEVER ( cut for TMI )

Sometimes even when I haven't eaten in hours. I haven't had anything in 14 hours, and I still woke up with cramps this morning.

I think it has to do with a weakening of my stomach walls or something, but I'm not sure how to fix it. If I start eating at regular intervals again, is it one of those things that will fix itself?

[ETA: Also. I definitely kicked my glasses this morning and they went down along the wall behind my bed, but I have no idea where.]

I am craving the fuck out of apple pizza right now. Apple pizza. I've never had it before, but I have a pizza crust sitting in my fridge and my roommate has a couple of apples on the counter - and what else would I put on there anyway? Bacon? Mmm. Now I want a pineapple pizza. That would really be delicious.

Apple doesn't sound half bad though. If only I could figure out what other toppings would go with it.

One of my New Year's resolutions is to eat more vegetables. I was going to say eat less meat, but I don't eat a whole lot of meat anyway. Mostly chicken, occasionally beef or pork, but mostly chicken. I eat a lot of carbs. I like carbs. I like food I can chew. Like bread and baked desserts and breaded chicken and mashed/baked vegetables. I'm trying to push myself toward the vegetable side of that rather than the bread and baked desserts side, but it's hard to push yourself out of routines.

Also? Chinese food sounds AMAZING.

Firefox 2.0, you are a bitch!

Recent would-be entries required filters. Firefox 2.0's Remember Password feature prevents the use of filters! Thus! No recent entries.

Things that have happened to me in the last two weeks: threesome, sexual harassment, one month anniversary of first "I love you"s, spraining of the ankle, stomach flu, firing of co-worker, very nice paycheck, five am trip to Wal-Mart to purchase board games, small gathering at my house, Meghan agrees to let me transfer, getting drunk for the first time, playing truth-or-dare while drunk, kissing four of my friends as a result of said drunken truth-or-dare, finding out all of my friends want to sleep with me, two month anniversary of first "I like you"s, co-worker tells Meghan she thinks I have a crush on her and that if Meghan ever "went for women" we'd be the hottest couple ever.

Things that will happen to me in the next twelve hours: sex with the redhead herself for the first time in three weeks!

The girl is not going to know what hit her. I have had way too much attention from other people and not enough from her. My aggressive side is coming out tonight!

Dear anyone who loves me,

Songs whose lyrics use the word 'baby' as a direct address. I need them! I don't care about genre or mood. I want anything and everything you can give me! I am a sucker for the direct address.

Please indulge my weird fetish.

Also: My insomnia is back. I was doing better for a while, but lately...

Sunday night I didn't sleep at all. Tuesday night I didn't sleep at all. Last night I got two hours of sleep, maybe three. On the bright side, I've been relatively productive this week, as I told myself if I was going to be awake, I was going to be awake and doing shit. Yesterday by nine o'clock in the morning, I'd already washed, dried and folded two loads of laundry, gotten my oil changed and washed and vacuumed my car. Which is nice, but I'd still rather have slept.

On the other bright side, I can start blaming some of my stranger habits on the fact that I haven't been sleeping. Unfortunately that excuse will never fly with people who already know me even the littlest bit. Hmm. Perhaps I should make myself some new acquaintances!

Also also: I started PMSing a week and a half ago. Why am I not bleeding yet? Jesus Christ. Not cool, body. Not cool, hormones. My period used to be so predictable.

Also also also: ANI. TOMORROW NIGHT. ASDJLKJGFDSA!

I got six hours of sleep last night, more than I usually get, and yet I dragged all day.

I dragged in class and I dragged at work. Now I'm exhausted and I want to go to bed, but I can't sleep because I'm itchy. Goddammit I hate this.

I'm supposed to be sleeping in my sister's room, right?

I can't get in. She fell asleep on the floor, and then she must have rolled over at some point - because she's sleeping against the door. And she sleeps too soundly for me to wake her up, and she's too heavy to push out of the way. Ahaha. Guess I won't be going to bed.

It's okay though. I've got a kitty in my lap, nuzzling my wrists, and she's actually letting me hold her for once. I'd venture to say the cat missed me.

[ETA: Oh, and I've apparently lost twenty pounds. I knew I was losing weight, but didn't know how much. And my breasts aren't shrinking! This is good.]

I think I'm fucking lactose intolerant.

Also. I get tables of my own tonight.

Dear Stomach,

I HATE you.

(In other words, I was awake at seven this morning with an upset stomach. Wtf. It's not like I was eating in my sleep.)

I almost passed out at work tonight.

First I felt like I had to throw up, then everything got distant and woozy very, very quickly. I told Jen, my trainer, and she got me sitting down, and then Margeaux, the other trainer who reminds me of Allison Sperling, brought me Sprite and saltines. I got scolded for not eating today (I had a bagel!), but Margeaux grinned a lot and told me not to feel bad, and Jen bought me dinner at the end of my shift. So that was nice, even if I hope that feeling never, ever comes over me again.

On an entirely unrelated note, I have decided that in my next relationship, no matter how comfortable I feel with the person, I want to spend months making out before we have sex, for a variety of reasons.

(1. I am in no hurry to be told that I should have known better again.
2. It has been months since I've had sex and not quite as long since I've been kissed, but I want the kissing back (god I want the kissing back).
3. I always wanted that extended making out period and I never got it. So. Maybe this is a little backwards, but it seems fitting.)

Right. Kissing. Is a very good thing, and I want some. Now would not be soon enough, but I don't want just any kisses. Ack. Waiting.

Ack.

( My cycle is off. )

Also, a list:

1) I'm on a major Buffy fic reading spree. Things I would like to read more of include Dawn paired with either Faith or Tara, good Anya characterization, and more Kate femslash. Preferably with Faith because one good story spoiled me, but I don't think there's any more out there. Unless I'm wrong. I wouldn't mind being wrong.

2) Occasionally I read X-fic. I go in spurts, going back every couple of years, despite the fact that I haven't read any of the comics. (I would love to, but I have no idea where to begin.) There are a couple of good, longish stories out there for my pairing of choice, but not very many. I would like more. :((

3) Kakuro: way more addictive than Sudoku. I don't think I can explain my feelings about this without sounding corny and dork-like, but when I'm figuring out the sums and which number goes where, my brain feels like it's dancing. And not the way that I dance, spazzy and without grace. No, my brain could put on a white leotard and perform Swan Lake without missing a step.

( Mild TMI. )

Next weekend (as in nine days from now), I am going on a road trip! A whirlwind affair of a thing, five days to get there and back. Kristin got last minute tickets to one of the sold-out Hyde concerts, and I am tagging along because a) it's a road trip b) we'll be going through several states I've never seen before and c) (although really this is the most important part) I think I'm going to get to see my aunt. Whee! Road trip. My aunt!

Concert!