luxemburger

At the end of our date today, I got her to come inside for a few minutes. I wanted to kiss her. She put me off. She said she did and she didn't want to, that I'm irresistible but it'd be better for another date.

I replied that she resists me all the time.

Is it so easy not to want me? Jesus Christ. What the fuck is wrong with me? Once upon a time, she couldn't keep her hands off me. I don't want to have sex right now. I don't feel wanted enough to have sex right now, but I want her to kiss me. I want her to put her hands on my hips, on my face, in my hair, wherever. I want her to put her hands on me and kiss me like I'm the only goddamn thing that matters in this whole fucking world. I want to be the one who pulls away. I want her to be the one who pulls me back.

I hate that I had to ask her to come in in the first place.

I hate this stupid fucking breakup.

I hate the fact that Margeaux told everyone and their fucking mother about it before either of us got back to town, despite the fact that all she knew was that my Facebook profile said 'single.' I hate the fact that Kelly gave me shitty advice in the hotel room and that I haven't heard from her since. I hate the fact that Jessie disappeared on me and is making her feelings for Meghan so goddamn obvious.

I hate the fact that I apparently want so much from Meghan that she's not sure she can give it to me. I hate that her indecision and self-doubt are more important than making me feel loved again. I hate that she tells me to go for someone better if they come along, instead of telling me she'd rise to the challenge. I hate that she wanted to know if something happened between me and Stacy last week and then refused to give a straight answer when I asked if she would have been jealous, that she said it would have been none of her business, like she's been fucking castrated. Like she wouldn't care at all.

An older woman, probably around 75 or 80, told me she felt sorry for me tonight because I had a table of seven preteen girls. I told her it was fine, and she laughed at me.

"Do you like being a waitress?" she asked me. When I told her that I love it, she smiled at me and said, "I loved it too."

I didn't mind the table of preteens though. I really feel like there aren't enough children in my life. I miss my sister (even though she'll be in high school next year, so she's not really a child anymore...), I miss my cousins and my step-cousins. The only time I see kids anymore is at work. I should be seeing the sister and the step-cousins in a couple of weeks though! They're all getting so big, and I miss them all so much. I don't say that nearly enough. Moving away has its perks, but sometimes I wonder if it's really worth it.

Things I need more of in my life: children, cats, old people, food I actually cook for myself, writing on paper/on the computer instead of in my head, a bottle of L'Occitane Cédrat Pomelo perfume, pretty shoes I can afford, kissing that lasts for longer than 15 minutes and doesn't lead to sex, JoAnna Lewis, e-mails to be returned after I send them, Bloc Party at very high volumes, my tax refund, car insurance, a dental appointment, sleep at a decent hour.

That's not so much to ask for, is it?

[ETA: Oh, and oral sex. The holy grail of my sex life.

I don't think I've ever admitted it in so many words, but in an ideal world, sex without oral would not exist.]