luxemburger

Also, I love -

the sluttiest legs in the world, apocalyptic love songs, Rose Byrne's pretty pretty eyes, minor movie character femslash, the poetics of life, light as the most important part of a fantasy, homemade slip n slides, the art I'll have in my home someday, cilantro and crushed red pepper, half-peeled apples, cooking for other people, having other people cook for me, unconventional date activities, having a calendar brain, being sorry and not full of regret, Dawn Landes, if you can't find it on YouTube you don't need it, milano cookies of any flavor, eyeliner and lip gloss and that's it, Arrested Development marathons with the sister-giant-oaf, Lora's crazy faces, reclaiming the word fag, wanting to take a shot of tequila every time my father says something racist, kitten-like snuggle-rabbit behavior, when the social circles of my favorite bands are very very tiny and overlapping, girls who have soft feet, the song I am listening to right now, "This is going to sound random, but-", making puns! stupid ones!, the mental catalogue of possibilities, face clocks that don't tickety tock, when the cats knead my thighs, random moments of synesthesia, nonograms, the Mirah connection, my favorite Lora moment ever that will always be my favorite Lora moment ever, emphasizing emphaticness through excessive capitalization, always wanting super tease-y semi-messy long and yet short and yet still way drawn out half-tongue half-lip kisses with my/her hair falling in her/my face.

[ETA: Why oh why is there only just enough Jordan Caress to fill a MySpace? I want more.]

UHHH. I hate my period!

(Yes, this needs to be repeated!)

But I don't hate evvvvvvverything, SO.

I love -

new Halflight songs, hot windy days, humid rainy days, mashing words together like cowgirl and girlfriend to come up with cowgirlfriend, cheap fruity wine, biologically strange love stories, "it's just for you / it's not for anybody else," Lucy Liu's freckles, sleeping all over the house, blinking back little stinging tears of excitement, conversations that accidentally last all night, leiascully and julietcetera!, metaphorical sweet and sour sauce, being absolutely and ridiculously in love with my girlfriend, putting my feet up at the movies, super thick cakey pancakes, really good salsa, the mist that comes up off tires and pavement when it rains, getting All Dolled Up for No Reason Whatsoever, dried plums, ruffled underwear, carpeting textures that make my feet happy, shoulder blades pressing into hardwood floors, taking naps at lewiseli's house, Sandra Oh's sexy legs and pretty face, having dreams about the girls who play Paige and Alex on Degrassi: TNG, songs where the singers sing to themselves by name, giving people crazy names, oh my god my hair is getting so long, wearing earrings that make me feel pretty, jeans and sandals, RUNNING LATE AND I CANT STOP ADDING TO THIS LIST.

I love -

walking around the house with my hands on my hips in nothing but a pair of black lacy underwear, this poem, wanting to get high with Maggie Gyllenhaal in Paris while wearing a fabulous dress, sleeping with a breeze, the knobs of your spine as braille, hypothesizing about the two on the right, borrowing other peoples' clothes, IDA (even though I can't find lyrics to August Again, and it's killing me), dance parties for the sole cause of irritating the bratmonster, singing Miniature Disasters at the top of my lungs while jumping on the bed.

[ETA: Does anyone have any Maria Taylor to share with me? I'll be really happy with you for at least five minutes... just kidding. At least ten!]

I love -

Elizabeth Elmore's vocabulary, "we couldn't see what was coming" (followed by amaaaazing guitar and drums), not using my voice on my voice mail greeting, my Fear No Art bag from the MCA (Chicago), recurring strangers, the half-laugh half-snort the girl at the bank did when she saw me come in yesterday, the clock tower on the Student Building, winning stuffed animals out of the crane machine, running errands, people who smile at the laundromat, certain Madonna songs, having the same professor multiple times, French phonetics, not having furniture, driving down Sare Rd in the middle of the night, seeing deer in peoples' front yards, my neighbors the llamas, my neighbors the horses, the way I can see the stars from my back porch, this picture of Emily Haines, death by flirtation

I love campus. It's such a gorgeous day.

I love -

sitting outside the library at the little tables near the food court exit, having a tan (however subtle), chocolate chip pancakes, the gayness of Bloomington, surviving on clementines, South Harrell Road, the first season of Sports Night, the rain smell in my room for days after a storm, the way Sarah Howell's voice cracks at the thirteen second mark on Worship, good tippers, strawberry shortcake, eating finger food with a fork and a knife, my new default icon, finally unpacking all of my things, listening to other people talk, spoiling trainers, the three korean guys talking at the table next to me, summer breezes, songs where the singing starts before the music, not being sick to my stomach even though it's that time of the month, saying hello to people who walk by and having them smile at me, forgetting that Sam and Brooke are not canon, having a good Anya voice, wanting to go slowly, remembering to take my vitamins, happily jumbled emotions.

I love -

driving with the windows open, anticipating the Veronica Mars season finale tonight, getting to watch the finale with the best little sister ever who just happens to also love the show, sleeping in my underwear, being woken by the sun, hearing Cold, Cold Water first thing in the morning, naming things after other things I love, washing my face with cold water, confessions that re-write history, driving for hours, trusting my instincts, being Cara's 3am girl, seeing JoAnna this weekend, being proud of myself, falling back in love with myself, trusting the future, knowing I'm about to write a really great poem, Margaret Cho always having ( the right words, ) these pictures of me and Ali, things that exist even without names, asking my birds for advice, the way the cats claim me as their own, "I could lie to myself and say I like it / but I'd love it if you were here," polishing my nails only to have the paint smeared in mere minutes, my hair at the length it's at right now, the way my legs feel after swinging for a very long time, having visits with my grandma, having a few very close friends, wanting more out of life than my parents ever did, girls who look like Kaylee, these pictures of Jewel Staite and Michelle Trachtenberg omfg, everything that incoherency conveys, Kristin finally realizing she was taking me for granted, knowing that in some way my father is proud of me for not wanting to party, drinking just enough alcohol to make me warm and wanting, making myself wait, logical fantasies, watching people try to parallel park, places that have more hills than Illinois, chicken sandwiches, new and not-new things, inevitable conclusions, listening to Placebo very loudly, the fact that Ali thinks I listen to weird music, not having money, finally being able to say I'm not always the dumpee, being missed, being near airports, hands in my hair, sleeping in my own bed, becoming intense again.

Merry Christmas!

Something came over me in the last half hour, and now I'm excited about going to my dad's for the day. I hope he doesn't ask me to spend the night. I always feel horrible every time I say no, even though the question only comes up once or twice a year. I wonder if he ever regrets the choice he made.

I love -

laughing instead of crying, the resumption of routines, t-shirts left over from high school, snow as it melts, super soft socks, low-wattage light bulbs, the Veronica Mars dvds, being near water in the dark, when my little sister worries about me, my grandma's sense of humor, overwhelming fondness, the difference between hearing my girlfriend's voice in person and over the phone, my eyes which water far too easily, the easy passing of awkward silences, the vocalization of things I take for granted, Tezuka Kunimitsu's hair (and glasses and facial expressions), being loved, my father's struggles with the technology age, quiet time on Christmas morning, strings of colored lights, fantasies of common things, having conversations with the lights out, cuddling at every opportunity, books full of Sudoku, reading my friends list, using comment threads as conversations, being surprised by e-mails in my inbox, shoes that fit just right, being rewarded for my patience, finding more things to be grateful for than I ever expected, left-handed people, cats, thoughtful presents, safe places, absurd situations, finding happiness when one changed detail might have ruined everything, really funny coincidences, my mom's house, modifying my food, being proud of my grades, the Golden Girls, "September 8th, 2005", inside jokes, Kristin's imitation of my dying laugh, loving music, moments of peace, not letting my annoyance get the best of me, naps at all hours, waving the old year goodbye, wearing clothes for sentimental purposes, smiles for private reasons, loving and loving and loving, the funniest person in the world, silly nicknames, being unstoppable, my girlfriend's glasses, keeping a secret for once, moments of pure happiness, having a clear conscience.

[ETA: Haha. My dad, "If I were dating Mariah Carey, I wouldn't want her to talk."]

I love -

having my tattoos stroked, the smell of my girlfriend's skin, seeing Over the Rhine in two weeks, iTunes on shuffle, Logan/Veronica being "together" but "not together" at the same time, my little sister's jokes, American Social Protest Literature, Catch-22, writing poetry, being minimally dressed at all times, symbolic French poetry, a good turn of the phrase, people toward whom I feel a disproportionate amount of affection, the constant state of weather in my head, fantasies, dichotomy, unraveling the mental mysteries, reading advice columns, slowly loving the girlfriend's loves, having my hair petted, going to class even though it's cold.

[ETA: I also love Erin. :P]

I love -

the supernova of yellow-blue inside her eyes, how she talks to my cats, the way she mocks me, the way she repeats what I say, her smile when she's giddy, her smile in the morning, her smile in the evening, the effort she puts into what she says, the way not a word is misplaced when she writes, when she lets me brush her hair, that she loves my hair, how she calls my eyes pupil-less, the way she hates mascara, her self-consciousness, the way she relaxes with me, when I make her laugh, the way her hands glide over my skin, the way her fingers find my stretch marks, the way she is happy when she finds my stretch marks, that she cries in front of me, that she eventually tells me what's wrong, that she occasionally gets jealous of other people in my life, that she wants 'a long time', the movement of her hips when she walks, her breasts all of the time, when she reads to me, the way we hold hands even in bed, naked cuddling, non-naked cuddling, spending time with her in the car, climbing into bed with her, being trusted, that I know her moods, her Digi!love, sharing a fandom, thinking together about the future, the way we talk for hours, the way she sometimes rambles, her concern for her grades, her research skills, her family, being her kitty, that I'm the only one who can see so much of her, the heat of her mouth when we kiss, the way she keeps her eyes open just so I will moan, the way she runs her hands over my back, her ticklish spot, Reticulum, the way she looks out for me, the way she looks at me, the way her scent is always the same, her exhale-laugh, the strength of her bladder, the way she doesn't say what she needs, the way she lets me scold her for not saying what she needs, her favorite songs, her nervousness, her generosity, the way she danced with my sister, the way she loves my mom's cooking, that she has affectionate moods, that she finds my pulse, that she throws her leg over mine when she doesn't want me to get out of bed, her support of my chai addiction, her special word for my exes, her perfectionism, her obsessiveness, her secret sides, her silliness.

I love-

delineated make-out sessions, "I can't believe life's so complex / When I just wanna sit here and watch you undress."

I love -

wearing tights, PJ Harvey's "Good Fortune", the poetry of Anne Carson, when my girlfriend reads to me, making up with my sister, staying naked right after a bath, randomly wearing scarves, grooming the cat, Piper's stories, surprising Kristin, reading my favorite books in the middle of the night, being ticklish, giggling for no reason, nights when I don't dream, letting my nails grow, when Kristin makes eye contact with me, being moody, launching myself into hugs, developing LJ friendships, endearing awkwardness, having a song for every occasion.

I've been spending a lot of my free time reading lately and I'm noticing a lot of books missing that I did have once upon a time. Books such as Sabriel by Garth Nix, The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman, and Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters. I've loaned all three out. Some of them have been gone for years. Rwar.

I love -

keeping up with all of JoAnna's journals, slash stories that manage to make me happy even without the presence of girls, when Hannah turns on her webcam, small anniversaries, the way my body sections itself, 'Studying Stones' by Ani Difranco, Kristin's breasts, discovering new books, titling icons with song lyrics.

P.S.

I am such an ass girl, why do I love Kristin's breasts so much?

I love -

mutilating small portions of food at restaurants, arbitrarily leaving certain questions unanswered, throwing myself around people I love, cuddling in movie theaters, emotional relatives, Lyra Belacqua, the way my dad makes me laugh until my stomach hurts, a long time, Radha Mitchell's face, beautiful bones, Betty White, finding a sister of my heart, grace in unexpected places, tripping on my own feet, dancing badly, rosemary as a flavor, the inevitability of going grey, late night baths, large towels that hang over my thighs, driving with someone in the passenger seat, kissing in the car, thinking of my girlfriend during her showers.

I walk in my room and the cat is stretched across my bed. She purrs at the sight of me. I lay and I pet her. A few minutes later, I roll off the side of the bed and walk into another room.

When I come back, she has moved and is curled in the indention that I left in my malleable mattress. She puts her front paws on my chest when I lay back down. Soon she lies atop me.

My girlfriend is taking a shower right now. She takes two showers a day, in her ideal situation. A shorter morning shower and a longer night shower. She thinks in there. She mentioned taking a shower together once. I think I said that I wouldn't want to invade her private space. But now she's in the shower and I'm thinking of her long, tree-bark brown hair and the way it would look wet against her shoulder blades and wanting her to push me under the stream of the water with both hands.

Kristin is so completely what I want and what I need at the same time. Last night we were using the Doodle IMvironment on Y!M and I drew a heart with our initials. After several other doodles, she wrote OTP in big letters and drew an arrow to my previous heart.

I find myself wanting to and putting words to things so that I can explain to her parts of me I thought would always pool in the middle of my mind, for only me to understand, forever. But now she knows and now I can never, ever say I've never shared those parts of myself. There are hopes I never had dashed because I never knew I could have them and now I know they're not hopes, they're reality. I have reality.

Second semester starts tomorrow. I know I'm going to forget about Great Books and head toward the French room for first hour. I really don't want to be late for my first day of Great Books.

I tricked Ali into seeing Finding Neverland tonight. I told her we were going to see In Good Company which I wouldn't mind seeing anyway. Then we left the house twenty minutes before IGC started when the theater is 25 minutes away. I drove slowly. We stopped for chai and hot chocolate.

Whoops. Guess we'll have to go to this other movie, Ali.

She was mad at me until I bought her candy, then we were square. The seats in the theater have armrests which go up. She laid against my side with my arm over her shoulder and down across her chest and stomach for the length of the movie.

I made a list yesterday of the four people I love most/feel closest to/who are my favorites. I am happy that three of those live right here in my own house, one of which being my sister's cat.

I tried my hand at purring this morning. Still no luck. Still can't induce spasms of my diapraghm.

This morning, I woke up to my room being far too hot. I couldn't breathe the air was so thick. The sun was shining and the windows were closed. Houses are weird. My sister was also crying and yelling in another part of the house. I tried to close my eyes again, but the heat kept me awake.

She yelled, sobbing, "I lost myself. I lost me. I just want to die." If I didn't know better, I'd say she was taking lessons from my mother but my mother never says those things in front of Ali, only in front of me.

I rolled over onto my side, facing the bedroom door, which was shut. I yelled at the door. "ALI!" I paused. "Your life can't suck. You have ME. And you're starting to get BREASTS."

She told me I was disgusting and stormed into her room. But she stopped crying. I got out of bed then and walked into the hallway. I could see Ali from where I stood and we were wearing matching pajamas. I pumped my fists into the air with a huge smile. She rolled her eyes. My mom laughed at me from the viewpoint of her own bedroom.

I sat on my mom's bed and she whispered to me about Ali. I went into Ali's room and calmed her down. It was a difficult, harrowing task which involved wearing a plastic firehat and blue tinsel around my neck, crying over pearls not given to me and calling myself a diva. The things I do for that girl. It ended with her lying on the floor and me laying myself on top of her, with my head on her chest and my arms around her waist. She called out to our mother that she loved her and giggled and crossed her fingers in front of my face.

Shortly after, we both ventured into our mother's room and dogpiled ourselves on top of her.

My dad called just before noon and I left to get food with him. Ali wanted to come with, but meals with my father are sacred. He and I went to a Chinese restaurant. My fortune read, "A look is worth a thousand words," which I wanted to remember to tell Kristin because she refers to certain looks I give her as bone-shaking.

I put a splash of soy sauce in his drink when he wasn't looking. Later he swatted me with a newspaper and called me a brat. He sounded affectionate. MY father is something.

I called my mom when Ali and I were coming home from the movies. She sounded amused and said she and John were talking about how I light up everyone's life. I found out later they were actually speculating on whether or not Kristin's virginity still exists.

24 days we've been together. 18 days until we are in the same room again. 976 days until we've been together for 1000. Then I want to do it all over again.

I love -

being lit like a schoolgirl, post-shower cuddling, non-sexual nudity, being overwhelmed, songs sung so loud my eyes water, having to catch my breath, walking up stairs behind girls, the moment when my parents first laugh at one of my jokes after they lecture me, when my dad makes fun of my voicemail message, the giddiness of a new kiss, shaking off nightmares, knowing to skip the fourth stair from the top because it squeaks, new music that sounds old, forgetting to do my homework, water-damp skin, when I date someone I want to introduce to my family, my horrible handwriting, falling in love with guitar parts, unreasonable girls, irrational numbers, math problems that keep me awake at night, falling asleep before I mean to, talking to other cars on the road, when my foot falls asleep because I'm sitting incorrectly, having outrageously detailed daydreams.

I love -

waiting to be sung to, apologizing sincerely, girls whose names really begin with k, being made to whimper, unconsciously touching my neck when I'm thinking about touching someone else.

[ETA: Also- being so wet the moon must be out and pulling at me, violet eyelids, trying to exercise self-control, being complimented by people I admire.]

Margaret, stop breaking my heart.

I love-

-practicing my signature, sleepy voices, overhearing my mom using the same political arguments I used on her, eating snow even though I know it's bad for me, Dust of the Philip Pullman variety, laying on hardwood floors in the middle of the night.

Reading Margaret Cho's blog. Brilliant, brilliant woman. That entry specifically inspired me. It's Christmas. What do I love?

Iced chai, green eyeshadow, my bratty little sister, black pens, thinking about math on the highway, the twenty minutes on either side of midnight, my new nose ring, fishnet stockings, realizing I'm both right and wrong about everything, conversations with older women, flirting with strangers, unabashedly staring and assessing passersby, Shirley Manson's persona, finding the perfect Ani song, Matin by Alain Daussin, post-holiday Christmas lights, getting dumped, fingers slipping into mine, having my thighs touched, extended eye contact, waving hello with both hands, remembering California streets from visiting my aunt, buying out the lesbian section at Borders, buying out the poetry section at Borders, fresh ground black pepper, picking apart a Cornish hen until I can finger every bone and have eaten every scrap of meat, wishing my cat and I could be lovers because she lays on my stomach and puts her head under my chin, being happy and lonely in love, white-shirted and bare chested cowboys in chaps, the woman in Steak and Shake in Benton Harbor, Michigan who whispered to her husband about me with her hand carefully on his side and often looked at me, little girls named Samantha, kissing Armor Girl, briefly crying about the past, always knowing when Amanda goes invisible, probably growing up to be as scatterbrained as Madame Castenson, singing along to Tether, songs that are subtly spiritual, calling her my wife in my head, spending time with Beth, when people realize I'm the best thing they have, thinking about the child of my first lover and pretending I'm its other parent, seven wishes, french vanilla ice cream, driving on cold days with the sun heating my skin, sleeping like my grandma, Hannah's smile, hearing someone sing under their breath, being quoted, laughing with JoAnna, lilts in strained friendships, secret internet crushes, wanting babies, the orange house on 4th street with all the books, imagining the Virgin Mary, trying to tell people I'm innocent, long eyelashes, sad beautiful movies, Wednesday night dinners with my dad, birthday cards, clear handwriting, sitting on wet roofs, the first two days after a depression, having a patented Sammi dance, when other people love my mixes, reorganizing a poem written in every direction on a small scrap of paper, unfolding paper clips, watching someone say my name, misleading French pop, receiving e-mail, things people don't mean to say, seeing through everyone, being God-like, Jeanette Winterson, here is the deepest secret nobody knows, anonymous confessions of admiration.

[ETA: Elizabeth Mitchell, structured faces, new socks, playing with my hands in public, the soft spot on either side of the small of a girl's back, boys with beautiful smiles, cell phones on silent, "Cold, Cold Water" playing on random during sex, having an obvious crush, all the sweet time before my heart gets broken, melting into my car, being asked about childhood memories, taking communion.]