luxemburger

Lora's always said that she likes girls "because they're girls", meaning she is generally attracted to more feminine women. But that being said, we spent several days right before we first dated, bonding over the hotness of Lucas Silveira, who is a pretty "butch/andro"-looking trans dude.

I remembered this the other day for some reason, and it made me wonder how she would feel about me if we were still romantically involved.

She said she didn't know. She is less attracted to me now, but she doesn't know if that has anything to do with the fact that I was becoming less and less "feminine" long before I ever came out as trans, because she's never had an attraction to anybody else sustain itself either.

It's got me thinking now. Not that I don't think her attraction to me wouldn't have faded anyway, because I do think that's true. But it's interesting to look back and see how our dynamic shifted as my gender presentation and identity were shifting.

It makes me glad that our romantic relationship evolved into whatever it is we have now before I came out, because it would have broken my heart if it'd ended up coming down to, "I'm sorry, but you're a boy now." Not that I wouldn't have understood, because it would have totally made sense, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd rather have one unfortunate situation be the reason we're not together than that other one.

It's stupid, because we still live together and act pretty much how we've always acted, but sometimes I still cry over the fact that we're not together anymore. I think she gets it though, because as much as she agrees about the reasons we're not, sometimes she still looks a little sad too, when we end up talking about it.

Sometimes I am a really big creep. Just so you know.

Me: I miss your lips!
Lora: I miss YOU
Me: oh I just miss your lips
Me: I'm going to cut them off and keep them
Me: I'll sew them to a pillow and kiss them every night you're not here

Me: wouldn't that be awesome? a pillow with lips
Me: I want one
Me: maybe one with a tongue
Lora: .... sdjkfhsdkfjhlskds
Me: what crazy non-existent object would you have if you could?

What crazy non-existent object would YOU have if you could?

Aww, Lora just told me she's going to get one of those planes to write, "Lora loves Sammi," in the sky.

Coming up on the first monthiversary.

Okay, look, uterus. The menstruation is over! So the crazy hormones? You can just put those back to normal now, okay? All right? I'd really appreciate that.

In other news, IRONY for the win, and there's somebody who really deserves an apology but it would help a lot if she were around to facilitate that.

[ETA: MORE irony! I am significantly less cranky now that I am finding all of these funny things while I go back through my journal and play with tags.]

[ETA2: Also, I've said this before, but. Tell me about your favorite kisses, people. And give me a soundtrack while you're at it.]

Also, I love -

the sluttiest legs in the world, apocalyptic love songs, Rose Byrne's pretty pretty eyes, minor movie character femslash, the poetics of life, light as the most important part of a fantasy, homemade slip n slides, the art I'll have in my home someday, cilantro and crushed red pepper, half-peeled apples, cooking for other people, having other people cook for me, unconventional date activities, having a calendar brain, being sorry and not full of regret, Dawn Landes, if you can't find it on YouTube you don't need it, milano cookies of any flavor, eyeliner and lip gloss and that's it, Arrested Development marathons with the sister-giant-oaf, Lora's crazy faces, reclaiming the word fag, wanting to take a shot of tequila every time my father says something racist, kitten-like snuggle-rabbit behavior, when the social circles of my favorite bands are very very tiny and overlapping, girls who have soft feet, the song I am listening to right now, "This is going to sound random, but-", making puns! stupid ones!, the mental catalogue of possibilities, face clocks that don't tickety tock, when the cats knead my thighs, random moments of synesthesia, nonograms, the Mirah connection, my favorite Lora moment ever that will always be my favorite Lora moment ever, emphasizing emphaticness through excessive capitalization, always wanting super tease-y semi-messy long and yet short and yet still way drawn out half-tongue half-lip kisses with my/her hair falling in her/my face.

[ETA: Why oh why is there only just enough Jordan Caress to fill a MySpace? I want more.]

UHHH. I hate my period!

(Yes, this needs to be repeated!)

But I don't hate evvvvvvverything, SO.

I love -

new Halflight songs, hot windy days, humid rainy days, mashing words together like cowgirl and girlfriend to come up with cowgirlfriend, cheap fruity wine, biologically strange love stories, "it's just for you / it's not for anybody else," Lucy Liu's freckles, sleeping all over the house, blinking back little stinging tears of excitement, conversations that accidentally last all night, leiascully and julietcetera!, metaphorical sweet and sour sauce, being absolutely and ridiculously in love with my girlfriend, putting my feet up at the movies, super thick cakey pancakes, really good salsa, the mist that comes up off tires and pavement when it rains, getting All Dolled Up for No Reason Whatsoever, dried plums, ruffled underwear, carpeting textures that make my feet happy, shoulder blades pressing into hardwood floors, taking naps at lewiseli's house, Sandra Oh's sexy legs and pretty face, having dreams about the girls who play Paige and Alex on Degrassi: TNG, songs where the singers sing to themselves by name, giving people crazy names, oh my god my hair is getting so long, wearing earrings that make me feel pretty, jeans and sandals, RUNNING LATE AND I CANT STOP ADDING TO THIS LIST.

Pretend like you don't know me.




Poll #984868
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 18

These two people

( I found a camera cord, thus! Pictures from Seattle. Finally. )

Also, I am such an intelligent person ALL of the time:

me: AWWW my little crocodile
lora: AHAHAHAHAHHA
lora: why am I a crocodile :|
me: don't they have tears :|
lora: ... you are such a nerd :|
me: oh shit
lora: mine weren't fake!!!
lora: AHAHAHHAA
lora: AWWWWWWW
me: "Crocodile tears is false or insincere weeping, a hypocritical display of emotions."
lora: sdjgsdjhsdhjds
me: goddammit
lora: I LOVE YOU



[ETA: OH. There are other pictures on Flickr, for those interested in seeing more.]

If June 9th comes and you all stop hearing from me, I will probably have died. My oh so ambitious girlfriend is going to be the death of me one of these visits.

I am in multiple happy places right now, re: her, or maybe I'm just in one giant, jumbled up happy place. I do know that there are so many threads of delight about her/us for me now that I can't even begin to weave them into something coherent.

I remembered last night that winter before last, she posted videos in her journal. She wasn't in the videos, but her voice was. I liked the sound of it. I was in my dorm room, on my bed, and I remember setting the file to loop and rolling onto my back, staring at the ceiling and just... listening.

There was nothing to it then, only time has given it meaning, but I remember the feeling of that moment.

I love reading what she writes about me now. Last night she talked about the books I brought her and how much she misses sleeping with me. Saturday night she ended the entry with, "I'm so ridiculously in love with her." Last week she talked about her plans to see me in June. She wrote an entry after I left Seattle, and I've been given permission to quote the whole thing, so. Here.

That one gets me especially, because I've been on the receiving end of sap before, just not shared so openly with other people, and not with such warmth. She makes me feel so special and real, at the same time. As if they're the same feeling, the same fact, and maybe they are. They should be.

It's never like I'm on a pedestal, and yet. I matter.

Tonight she was talking about undressing me properly, and she mentioned my hair. She said she would take it down carefully, so as not to hurt me, using her fingers to brush it out over my shoulders and I keep thinking about that. What a detail, my hair. Who remembers hair in the heat of the moment? Someone who pays a lot of attention, I suppose. Someone who cares.

It has almost been a month, a month of nightly conversations, lasting into near morning and even morning itself. How many hours would that be, if I counted? Online and on the phone, and have I mentioned I love her voice? Feminine and green, earthy green, which means something to me, but may not mean anything to you since who associates voices with color.

FOR the record, I love my girlfriend.

I can't sleep, and I'm going to be tired for my first day of work, but I don't know. I don't really mind.

I don't know why I'm awake, considering that I'm tired to the point where (almost) everything is HILARIOUSLY giggle-worthy.

Things that amuse me right now

- Lora and I are the top two Swati fans on last.fm!
- Say So, the first single from Leisha Hailey's new band Uh Huh Her, is ridiculously catchy
- a follow-up to that, concerning Leisha Hailey, Lora says I am like Alice! (...!!!)
- a follow-up to that, concerning Lora, she called me 'kitten' several times tonight
- a follow-up to THAT, concerning kittens, hypothetical future we'll see kittens make me happy
- sometimes George goes up my shirt
- sometimes I have hickeys and sometimes I have more hickeys
- my new boss told me my tattoos are pretty
- I am watching The 40 Year-Old Virgin on youtube
- I changed my journal title and it is cracking me UP
- AHAHAHA. the fact that 'You Were Meant For Me' is on my wedding playlist :|
- if I had one of my Steak n Shake bowties here, I'd probably wear it to work this morning
- Julia! if you were my naively sweet, dying friend, this song would be perfect for you!
- this exchange, from yesterday:

Me: wear your hair like that OFTEN.
Lora: EHEHE okay :|
Me: but not all the time because then I would miss the putting-it-up-and-taking-it-down show
Lora: :| AHAHAHA the show
Me: it's my favorite :|
Lora: EHEHEHE
Me: I bring opera glasses and sit in the front row
Lora: AHAHAHAHAHAHA kjhdsgfkjsdfsd god
Lora: now I'm imaging you sitting on my bed and peering at me through opera glasses
Me: *blinks*

Oh my god. So tired. So giggly. Need to sleep. For two hours anyway.

There were two hickeys on my breasts, one little bruise on each slant, like kisses that decided to stick around for a while, but now they've faded to yellow.

The first night I was there, I had to tell her to stop after I'd come three times. I've never had to tell anyone to stop before. I got myself off sixteen times in a row once, and I had to tell her to stop after three. (That record was broken later in the weekend, by the way. Twenty. Twenty-one? I can't remember now.)

I came from her thigh between my legs, her fingers inside me, rubbing my clit, rubbing my nipples, her tongue in my mouth, between my legs, sucking on my neck, sucking the southwest corner of stomach, just inside my right hip, just above where my thigh meets my body.

Our hands are the same size, and I had to fight to make her stop touching me after she'd exhausted my body. Fighting meant I slid down the bed and grabbed her hips, laid her flat, tugging down her underwear and pressing my tongue against her without any more warning than that.

She was so responsive. A dream come true for the girl who claims to have the cunnilingual version of seasonal affective disorder. Even more responsive when I was on top of her. She'd clutch me closer with a leg twisted over my hip, reaching for my mouth, kissing me. Always kissing me.

Our first kiss was on the bus, heading into Seattle right after my plane had landed. We'd just sat down, I don't think the bus had even moved yet, and she said, "Kiss me," so I did. I've never kissed anyone who commits so much to every kiss. She uses her tongue and she sucks my bottom lip into her mouth and sometimes when I try to pull away, she only pulls me closer.

I miss the kisses most of all. She kissed me in her sleep. If I kissed her cheek, she would turn and find my mouth, eyes closed, still dreaming. She kissed me on the street and at dinner and on the pier at the aquarium. At the movies.

We both went to see Spiderman 3 at midnight on Thursday, and I kept wanting to turn my head and kiss her in the seat next to me, only she wasn't actually WITH me.

I can't get over how weird it is that I wasn't looking for a relationship, that it found me and smacked me over the head, saying, "You should be here. This is where you should be right now, with this girl who is as passionate and easily amused as you are, and what took you so long to figure that out anyway?"

Oh, I have charmed myself into a non-corportate job with regular hours and art and without a dress code!

And I start tomorrow!

And I just had a really good orgasm! (And my girlfriend is MEAN in really wonderful ways! And I'm saying and a lot!)

Oh man. Life is great.

( Airport security is SHITTY. )

My flight doesn't even start boarding for another hour, but I made sure to be REALLY, REALLY early this morning. Life is so weird, and I feel like I've been saying that constantly, but it is. I had every intention of being on that plane yesterday, but now, thinking of what I would have missed, it seems perfectly natural for me to be going home today instead.

After Lora and I took the bus back to downtown Seattle (coming back from the airport), we went to the aquarium and geeked out over the otters and the UGLIEST (read: my favorite) fish ever. We were going to head back to her dorm after we were done, but we stumbled across the Immigrants' Rights march on the way to the bus stop. So we walked with them instead! From downtown to the Space Needle, and then around into a park.

I've never done anything like that before, and it was SO cool. The energy of it, and seeing so many people CARING enough to march. All of the children that were there, hammering home the point of all the signs that said, "Keep our families together," with such grace that it wasn't hammering at all. The way my feet were killing me, and the way it didn't matter a bit because I was a part of something and I wasn't alone.

Tomorrow! I am going out and applying for jobs in Aurora. My mom said something about a new breakfast place opening up in Oswego, and I'm considering that. Do I want to wait tables in or around Aurora? It's good money, but something about the idea feels weird.

I'm so sleepy and rambly. There's an Asian mother and daughter sitting across from me, and they're fascinating. The daughter is a little older than me, and the mother looks like she's about 50, but the mother is the one with the pink jumpsuit and the iPod plugged into her ears. The daughter is wearing a tweed coat and sipping coffee, and how curious. I hope they sit near me on the plane so that I can watch them, until I sleep, anyway.

I also wouldn't mind if this man and woman sitting next to the mother and daughter were near me on the plane. I can only hear bits of their conversation because I'm really not listening, but the bits I've heard are quite interesting. The woman has this gorgeous short, dark, curly hair and the prettiest gap between her teeth when she smiles.

I wonder if she can whistle. Is there a problem with whistling if there's a space in the front of your mouth? All I Want For Christmas leads me to believe yes, but I'm not sure.

I don't remember falling asleep last night. I remember thinking the world operates by strange, inscrutable logic. How ridiculous is it to be dating someone now, and how weird that it'd be most ridiculous of all not to be, presented with a chance like this.

Tonight we went to Benihana for dinner, and the chef asked Lora if I was her sister or her friend.

"Girlfriend," she said, and then he made us a heart out of the fried rice on the grill.

I have to be awake in three hours, and gone in four.

"Why do we have to have really good sex?" Lora just asked me. "If it wasn't so good, I wouldn't miss it so much after you leave."

I'm going to miss it too, but there are little things I'm going to miss more. Things I can't see or feel over the phone, like watching her dry her hair after a shower, turning over in my sleep and feeling her reach for me.

We have to be the nerdiest people ever. I swear her sense of humor is just as dorky and corny as mine (and sometimes it's worse)! We laughed at ourselves all weekend for being so stupid. Two and a half weeks ago, we were talking about our ideas of perfect girlfriends, and we definitely unintentionally described each other.

And then we said this:

Me: oh man. I have it in my head that I shouldn't flirt with you, but this conversation is making it hard not to
Lora: AHAHA. ugh.
Lora: this is horrible too
Lora: because I've been telling myself I don't want to do another long distance relationship ever again
Lora: but we kind of seem like we'd make a good match.

Oh, long distance relationships. You're lucky I like the phone.

I missed my flight by FIVE MINUTES this afternoon. Five minutes! The plane wasn't even gone! I wasn't even late! I missed CHECK IN by five minutes.

...not that I'm complaining. Lora's kind of cool.

I am feeling totally spoiled and content right now.

Things I Have

- Nutella
- a book I thought I was out of print (Olga Broumas! ...!!!)
- Jones Soda Co. carbonated candy
- hair! that is behaving!
- a stolen shirt (not really stolen, borrowed)
- this music

But mooooost importantly, there is a girl stretched out on the bed behind me, her toes hooked onto the back of my chair. A girl who demands first kisses on the bus and reaches for my hand constantly when we're walking together. A girl who giggles at me and says, "You're funny," whenever she thinks I'm being cute. Right nows she's reading John Ashbery and telling me to hurry up, but then she distracts me with her reading, calling out poems she likes as she finds them.

Today we spent a good forty-five minutes walking up and down this one street, looking for the poetry store. An older man came up behind us, from around a corner. I saw him coming. He looked downtrodden, yet still. He said hello. He asked how we were.

Then, just before he ducked into the tiny grocery store that we passed three times before we found the bookstore, he said, "I wish I were as happy as you two are."

I think we said thank you, and then laughed as we walked up the block. I don't know about Lora, but mine was grateful, relieved, joyful laughter, because, well.

It's good to be here. It's good to be this happy.

Oh, I want to remember that moment.

I want to remember it and remember it and remember it.

In thirty-six hours, I am going to be on a PLANE, going to SEATTLE, going to visit LORA, who has the CUTEST phone voice ever. Except not little girl cute (like my voice, ugh!). She has really, really attractive, makes-me-want-to-listen-forever cute.

Thirty-six hours! And in the meantime, I'm wearing these fucking hotass jeans that I bought years ago, knowing they were too small for me but wanting them anyway, only now they fit and did I mention that they're fucking hotass jeans? jfklsdjf;kldsj;kadfjads;j

PLUS I have a date with one of my two favorite men to go out to eat and maybe to the movies, and tomorrow Beth and I are cooking a super delicious meal and I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF.

kflksfjkljk;lgjdfkgj. When Lora and I were getting off the phone last night, I said I'd be thinking of her, and she said, "Are you going to be thinking about how much I LOVE you?" I've been thinking all day about how happy and teasing her voice sounded when she said that, and I get all flail-y every time I remember.

Lora: ahhaaha my mother
Me: what?
Lora: she was so :|
Lora: and my dad is OH COOL
Me: you told them?!?
Lora: yes :|
Me: ldkfhdfjklghdfkl
Me: *feels important*
Lora: well i didn't tel them my LOVE INTEREST is coming for a hot birthday weekend :|
Me: oh is that what I am!
Lora: uhhh
Lora: :">

Since Sunday, our conversations have had this many lines: 904, 30, 2131, 1548, 2674, 64, 2354, 112, 1614, 1634. We went to bed at seven yesterday morning, and then she IMed me at two this afternoon to say she couldn't stop thinking about me.

I am crushing SO HARD on this girl. We've known each other for a couple of years here on LJ, but we've never talked like this before. The longest conversations about books and music and movies and politics and sexuality, and she's such a dork. It's so adorable.

She wants me to make out with her for her birthday.

Oh man.

This is going to be the longest week ever.