luxemburger

I keep looking at these pictures, taken tonight, and wondering if anybody else can fully understand what it feels when I look in the mirror and that beautiful, queer boy is what I see now.

I wish I could explain what it feels like to transition. It feels like a long drive home to me. It's being curled up in the passenger seat while somebody else drives, warmth that starts in my belly and slowly makes its way into my chest, knowing we're almost there and that the person driving's going to make sure I get there safely. It's having been on a good trip, but knowing that my bed's waiting at home, and that it's even warmer than this car, and being perfectly happy where I am for the moment, but being excited about getting to climb into that bed soon.

This is a beautiful precipice. This is my deep breath before I swandive over its edge.

I'm sleepy. I'm making sleepy metaphors. I'm sorry. It's just a nice feeling, that's all. I want to savor these days, make sure I'm properly appreciating my history, properly appreciating these early days of a journey that will never have a firm ending. I feel time slowing down as I approach the end of my estrogen-saturated days, and I can see it speeding up again on the horizon, and I wish I could make it move even slower so I could soak in as many details from as many moments as possible.

One of the things I do sort of regret about being single for most of this time, although I don't regret it in general, is that there hasn't been anyone to savor all of these changes as closely as I have. It would be nice to be able to take someone's hand and say, "Touch me here, do you feel that? That's not how it felt last week, that's not how it felt yesterday." To be able to see all the more clearly, from having not only my own perspective, but somebody else's reflected back at me at such close range. "Stand still. You know other people have always been my favorite kind of mirror." "Close your eyes. I'm going to show you everything."

Appointment with GP to get referral to the endocrinologist: done.

Last (required) appointment with therapist to get recommendation letter for endocrinologist to prescribe testosterone: tomorrow. Thursday.

Initial appointment with endocrinologist: Friday!? Next Monday (the 16th).

I AM BACK FROM THE COURTHOUSE.

I AM FEELING APPROXIMATELY ( THIS HAPPY. )

...and, guh, approximately this much like having super hot, super dirty sex to work off the adrenaline. Which is actually more the point of this post than the happiness bit, because on my way home from Greenfield I had this really involved fantasy that I've, uh, had before, but I realized that I've never, ever told anyone ever about this particular ~*~thing~*~ I've got.

So, um. If I were to write some sort of piece about this fantasy, or about other fantasies in the future, would anyone be interested in reading it?

Poll #1478590 just out of, uh, curiosity.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 14

Would you be interested in reading such things?

I won a free hour off of work this week via a departmental trivia contest, so guess what I am going to do with that?

Go to the courthouse!? Today!?

Lora and I went to a friend's sister's "slumber party" last night, which was hilariously awkward for me as we were in a room full of UMass sorority girls talking about sex and about guys and nobody except the small handful of people I already knew recognized that there was, you know, a guy in the room (a.k.a. me) and nobody, even the small handful of people we already knew, recognized how awkward all the compulsive heteronormativity in all the sales pitches were for both me and Lora. (Or at least me, because Lora didn't seem to mind too much. But I imagine it was weird for her too.)

There were a couple of moments where I almost blurted out that I was there. Or almost muttered, "And gentleman..." whenever anyone addressed the room with a blanket 'ladies'. But then I was worried some of the girls might get upset because they were talking about things it didn't sound like they normally talk about in front of guys, and maybe they'd have felt betrayed by my unintentionally covert presence or whatever.

Which is weird on so many levels, but one of the ones I find most baffling: why don't they talk about these things with the guys they date? I don't get it at all. Maybe I am just spoiled by (the seemingly generally followed standard of) open communication in queer relationships.

So I didn't say anything after all. It was so very bizarre of an experience... and it's especially weird because times like this show me just how much weirdness goes unnoticed by even people who are in the know. Like, my friend Sarah is a sweetheart, but even she continues to say 'ladies' all the time in addressing groups that include me, and it'd be one thing if it was something she said regardless of the gender-count of the group or if it were said in some sort of tongue-in-cheek manner or if she (or whoever else) realized the inaccuracy (when taking the word literally) and added something afterward like, "Oh, and Marshall too"... except that's generally not what happens.

Geeky language tangent: I think it'd actually be super awesome if mixed-gender groups were routinely referred to as "ladies" because blah blah blah subverting systematic male privileging. But it's when I know that that's not the case, when I know that somebody wouldn't be saying "ladies" if any guy other than me were standing there, that's when hearing "ladies" makes me sort of uncomfortable.

And when I say sort of uncomfortable, I mostly mean 1) that it makes me realize a) what a huge, huge shift in thinking it is to transition and b) how impossible it is for anyone who hasn't been here to catch every instance of something that's shifted and 2) that it makes me kind of sad that most people are going to stop paying close enough attention to catch more of those instances once I get to a certain point or once they get to a certain point in their understanding. Because, like. Things are so fucking weird. And so much weirdness just kind of slips under the radar, and I love that I'm seeing all of this now. It makes me wish everyone went through something where they paid this much attention to something as "simple" as how the world treats something as common and taken for granted as gender (and how the language we use supports that treatment), and augh. It's such a bizarre and rewarding thing to pay attention to.

( Speaking of bizarre, I had this dream last night that I joined a competitive dance coalition in Northampton. )

Anyway. After the dream I woke up feeling warm and loose in a way I don't feel like I've felt in a while and the feeling's stayed with me so far. Mmm. If that continues, today's going to be a good day.

Also, my birth certificate came today. I would be more excited, but. I've been irritable all day. So. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Also also, an offhanded comment from Annie reminded me of how much the general public thinks certain things I'm into are really kinky. I really don't think they're that kinky. Not superly so, anyway. But man. I wish I had a (gender goes here)friend so we could do those things, regardless of how kinky they may or may not be.

STRANGERS THINK I'M A DUDE NOW.

...AT FIRST GLANCE, ANYWAY.

THIS IS SO FUCKING COOL AND WEIRD.

1. A guy started to call me "ma'am" when I stopped to get a soda on my way to therapy. But then he caught himself and just trailed off awkwardly instead.
2. One very blunt individual took one look at me and asked, "Are you male or female?" (For the record, I think this individual's a jackass. But the deeper implication behind the question even being asked pleases me.)
3. I got pulled over doing 20 mph over the speed limit around the same time all the Amherst bars were closing (because I'm an idiot and I was spacing out driving through campus) and the cop called me "sir" (and let me go with a warning). (!!!)

..."passing" is such a weird thing. I have no idea what it is that's suddenly allowing me to be read (more or less) correctly by people who don't otherwise know me, but I'd sure be curious to find out.

Augh, I just realized how close Friday is getting.

Whic means I only have three days to pull together my costume before Jill's Halloween party.

Crap. But I have the greatest costume idea ever(!!!), so let's see if I can do this.

[ETA: ( Speaking of things I can do... )]

Also, holy fuck.

Speaking of a certain most recent ex-girlfriend, look at the video she posted to my FB this afternoon:



GJagkjdflgkjdfklgjdfgklj. So hot.

(Also hot? The insinuations made in subsequent comments on the video! Mmmmph. Is it Thanksgiving yet?)

(Also? And this is amusing, not hot, but it is hilarious to me that the conversation that led to Lora and I dating began with mutual lusting over attractive FTMs - and Lucas Silveira in particular. Ahaha, irony.)

1. One of the girls at work didn't recognize me when I was there on Saturday.

...she called one of my supervisors and asked who "the new dude" was.

2. Today my direct supervisor told me that even my laugh has changed, which he said like it was pretty awesome (which... it is). And that it freaks him out because now it reminds him of a guy he went to school with, hahaha.

(He said this while we were on our way outside for a break with Laura and Jill, and I just grinned and looked down, because I was walking in front of everyone.

When I looked back up, Laura was to my right, beaming like she'd been waiting for me to look in her direction. There are so many ways for me to interpret that sort of moment, and I have to say... I like them all.)

3. I am still on loan to that other department. Helped a woman move a filing cabinet today. We should have asked the maintenance guy to bring us a dolly or something, but she's one of those people who get really anxious about certain things until they're done, and I didn't think she'd be able to focus on anything else until the cabinet was moved, so when she asked for my help I just said I'd do it.

A third person joined us to open doors and things while we moved it into its new home and she made some sort of comment about how great it was that we got it moved so quickly.

The first woman said something like, "Yeah, I asked Marshall if he would do it because I knew [Other Guy #1] and [Other Guy #2] would cry about it. Plus he's so strong," and there was this note of pride in her voice like I'd really done something that meant a lot to her - things that mean a lot to people in corporate office world are really bizarre, but whatever - and I just grinned to myself again, like I always do.

(...but I did find myself thinking that if a certain most recent ex-girlfriend of mine were here, the retelling of that story would totally have led to really hot sex.)

4. Um, I cut my hair again. Having the sides cropped so short means that I have to buzz it like every week, and then I'm just standing there with scissors nearby and I end up taking a little off the top or whatever.

So, anyway. I mention that because the woman who has the cubicle next to my temporary one (in the other department) gave me the most strangely delivered compliment on it this morning.

( It was really bizarre. )

I made a very quizzical face once she walked away. (Did I mention corporate office world does awfully strange things to people sometimes?)

5. ( This series of pictures amuses me. )

...hee. ♥

So, okay, I guess in the absence of anything more interesting going on in RL, my brain has decided to reward me a lot lately and give me these really nice, sensory-rich dreams about making out with friends and crushes.

( Like, last weekend I had this crazy detailed dream about... )

Augh. At one point, I was bending forward and tracing my tongue along one of my favorite places, and I stopped and pulled back and said, "I've always loved that place. There was a line in that book I posted about, the one I read when I was 10 that talked about loving it, and it always stuck with me," and then I bent forward again, and the person let out this really shaky sigh and I could tell they were smiling and as I went back to my tracing, they tangled their fingers together behind my head and told me all about the little things they read that stuck with them over the years too, and. It was just so, so, so lovely and warm and intense in that way that where all involved parties are super hyper aware of every single nerve ending they have, but gentle and slow in every other way, and holy crap, brain, really? Do you realize what you've done to me for the foreseeable future, you generous (but still very much bastard-like) bastard?

...AUGH.

I don't know if everyone will be able to see this or if only people who are friends with me on FB will be able to see this, but Jack recorded the most adorable video message ever for me yesterday. He's the best brofriend a queer little trans boy like me could even ask for, awwwww. *draws sparkly hearts*

Mmmph. I am sore. Lora, Laura, Annie and I went hiking on Saturday, and then Laura and I went back and did it again last night. I wish we'd gotten into hiking earlier in the year - pretty soon it'll be dark too early for us to go after work, but for now it's nice.

Spent Saturday night and all day Sunday in Sturbridge with Lora. I was really scared for a while right after we stopped dating, that her family wouldn't want me around as much, but her mom told me last weekend that they're expecting me for both the holidays this year (which is good, because I have nowhere else to go!), and Lora's aunt invited me to their extended family's pre-Thanksgiving get-together, and I was there this weekend, obviously. Lora's mom also told one of her work friends who was over for dinner Saturday night that she has three kids now, not just Michael and Lora. So. Having a functional family is good.

( I think I mentioned I had some dark moods early in the weekend. It's the season for that, I guess. )

Anyway. We cope. I responded to a girl's ad on Craigslist the other morning; I don't think she's going to respond, because she's a gold-star lesbian and I'm, well, not a lady, but! The point is that in my response, I ended up writing that blah blah blah laying things out and although being involved with me in whatever capacity would be complicated blah blah blah, I think I have a lot to offer someone. And then I stopped and looked at what I'd written and I was like, "Yeah! I do! That's so true!" and then I pointed and laughed at the final paragraph of that post I made the other day and it felt really, really stupid. Yep. It did.

(Also, one of these links is for the We Were Promised Jetpacks album I've been waiting forever and a day for, courtesy of Loraface. The other is for the New Moon soundtrack, so. Yeah. Good stuff. I haven't had a chance to listen to the soundtrack yet, but it's got what appears to be an amazing tracklist. And the We Were Promised Jetpacks cd is AWESOME, by which I mean it's melancholic, joyful Scottish indie pop-rock, by which I mean it's AWESOME, so. Download it. ♥)

( A picture. )

...I love how this is how I look today, and that I had a room full of (~60-75)-year-old women calling me Sir and arguing over who got to take me home with them.

...something I want to remember.

One of the men in Lora's old department (she moved to mine last week) was standing outside the the door to the main building when I went out for my afternoon break today. I like him. I've never had a conversation with him, but he knew that Lora and I were a couple (when we were a couple) and he always made sure to include me whenever their department went out after work.

So, he's standing outside the door, and I smiled at him as I went out. Something in his expression made me think he had something to say, so I stopped and turned around after a few feet.

"Marshall?" he asked, and I could tell by his tone that he wasn't quite sure that was right, so I smiled again and said yes.

He nodded as if he was pleased. "Congratulations," he said, with a smile to match mine.

"Thank you," I replied, and I smiled for a third time before turning back on my way.

(This was the second time today that someone from the company that I don't interact with enough to have actually come out to has commented on my transition in a positive way. It's nice, people picking up on these things on their own and being happy for me anyway. Strange, but lovely - and incredibly nice.)

I got bored after we got home from seeing Whip It last night and gave myself another haircut.

Today is another dress up day at work.

Looking in the mirror this morning, the only thing I could think was, "I fucking love queer bodies."

Today's the six month anniversary of the first time I told someone I thought I might be trans.

Well, the first time I said it and didn't play it off as something non-serious.

Anyway. Six months!

Also, this is random, but something one of ninjascrabbit's friends wrote on her FB reminded me of this and I want it on record somewhere.

The other day Laura and I were outside, talking about a friend from another department who seems to have lost weight recently. It looks good on him, but he's been having a hard time with a recent breakup, so it's kind of sad at the same time.

Anyway, so.

Laura: I wish I was on the depression diet.
Laura: Quick, say something to depress me!
Me: *snickering*
Laura: Shit, no, don't say anything.
Me: ...what?
Laura: *laughing* I can't believe I just told the one person who can be even more cutting than I can to try to depress me.

This made me weirdly happy. I am not always a fluffy bunny of sincerity and emotion! And it reminds me of the conversation that Laura, Annie and I had a couple of weeks ago about who is a bitch and who isn't. The conclusion was that Laura is a bitch and has a bitchy sense of humor, Annie can be a bitch and has no sense of humor (until she stops trying to have one, anyway), and I have an incredibly bitchy sense of humor but am rarely an actual bitch. Heh.

Also, bitch is a pretty gendered word, but I feel like it's applicable to men too. Is there a more gender neutral word for 'bitch'? Discuss.

Man. Trans pride in Northampton was awesome, but also depressing.

This kind of sums up my feelings on being trans in general. If I had the choice, I wouldn't choose to be anything else, but there's just so much stuff that comes along with it that has been weighing me down lately.

I had a dream last night that I'd decided to artificially inseminate myself and that I was 1-2 months pregnant - and then I got my first testosterone shot. Even in the dream, it was my first. And I don't think I actually could take T and be pregnant at the same time, but it was so fucking thrilling. I've been so anxious in general lately, but the dream reminded me of just how excited I am that in five weeks I will have my rec letter from my therapist and that it (hopefully) won't be much longer than that that I really will be starting T.

I still haven't changed my name. I'm being kind of a coward about it, I think, but I want to do it at a time when I'm just really, really happy to do so, not when it's just one more thing that's stressing me out. Laura was pushing me about it for a while, but she's backed off now. I think she didn't understand why I was waiting now that everyone helped me come up with the money to do it, but I think maybe she understands now that having the money to do that is helpful and something I wouldn't have been able to do for myself for a while, but is not everything that needs to taken care of first (and that I'm no less grateful for having the money, even if I am dragging my heels while everything else gets sorted).

In the dream that I mentioned, my parents were AWOL. Which I suppose is sort of accurate. My mom has been calling me 'Marshmallow' fairly exclusively, which is cute, I guess, but is not a name. I feel like she's using it to put it off dealing with whatever grief she'll have once everything sinks in, which I'm not sure she's aware of but wish she would figure out. Blah.

Um. I feel like there's more, but Lora's mom just got here and the three of us are going out for the afternoon. I need to take like a week and not do any sort of socializing and then see what I have to say when I write here.

I'm frustrated by the spottiness of my posting these last few weeks, but I haven't had any (or much) time to myself and by the time I've got the mental space to write I'm too tired, because it's usually after 10 when Annie and Laura leave for the night.

Anyway. Good day, bad day, good day, bad day. Today is a bad day. Trying to keep it together, but something that happened this morning sent me into a panic attack and my supervisors stepped in and took care of the situation for me, but my nervous system is still freaking the fuck out, and I don't know how to calm down while having to get back on the phones for the next three and a half hours.

I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to recover sufficiently enough to enjoy tomorrow as much as I would like. Also, Lora still hasn't made her mind up as to whether or not she even wants to go, and I can figure out what to do once she does, but in the meantime I just feel like I'm holding my breath waiting for her next mood swing, because she's alternated between seeming to like me a lot and seeming to hate my guts multiple times a day for like the last week, and I know it's not personal, but this is exactly what I deal with with my mom and my sister whenever I'm home, and I don't fucking want to do this anymore.

...I fucking hate this day.

Just a quick thought before my lunch break ends.

"Jeez, how do No-Ho/Non-Op people do it? I hate this in-between place."

Posted mostly so I'll remember to elaborate later, but comments totally welcome if that's enough to go on. ;)