luxemburger

Have I mentioned lately that I hate her? Because seriously I do.

TWO HOURS after she walked away from our conversation, I got a text message.

Her: Sorry there was something I had to do
Me: There was no reason you couldn't have told me you were leaving.
Her: Sam something important came up that I needed to take care of
Me: something important. good to know.
Her: Look i don't care if you approve i needed to help someone out and so i left
Me: it's not about approval. you repeatedly show me that you do not care at all anymore, and I'm done.
Her: fine be done i'm done too later

The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I don't really have an ex-girlfriend, I have an ex-pod person.

(Meghan's away message: "apparently I am an alien...hahah...if that means being a friend to someone who needed it then...yes I am an alien... haha")

[ETA: ( Next in the world of 'she won't care'... )]

( A long conversation. )

I almost wish the conversation had cut off when I was still angry and self-righteous. Now I'm just sad. Toward the end, I think I was trying to control everything, but I think it's because I had so little control for the first half of our relationship, and then when things started getting weird, I freaked out. I wish someone had pointed that out to me.

I wish Meghan wasn't coming over to "get some of her stuff" today.

I don't think I'll ever understand the workings of Meghan Lawson's mind.

So I texted her the other night, the first night I was in Kalamazoo.

ME: i need to tell you something
HER: what
ME: it's going to be a while before you see me again
HER: ok why
ME: i'm going to work through little 5 and then i'm going out of town again

(10 minutes later)

ME: are you there?

(15 minutes later)

ME: we hung out with this couple tonight. i miss being with you so much. will you hang out with me in may?

Nothing back from her, even now a full day and a half later.

But then this morning at 7:30 (which means she was out all night), she made this entry in her journal:

I wouldn't have made it these past few days with out a select few of you. Those of you who know who I am talking about, you are the rocks in my life, you are my best friends. Without the good times, the laughs, and the smiles, I wouldn't have come this far. I only look forward to the more time we will get to spend together....come on Penn Station, please do not let me down! I love you all heart and soul...thank you for giving me a reason to pull it together and keep on moving on!

And changed her Facebook picture to ( this: )

And I mean. Obviously I don't think that this breakup is easy on her, but I don't understand why she goes to such lengths to make it look easy. The other day I went to the movies with a boy from work. A friendly affair. I looked depressed at work the night before, and he offered to take me out the next day.

When I told her I'd seen the new Will Ferrell movie, the first thing she asked was, "With who?" and when I said I'd gone with Alix, she said, "So you had a date?"

"I don't care," she said when I told her no. "I was just wondering."

Sometimes I'm daunted by this little plan I'm crafting. She's not going to make it easy on me. Is it worth it? I don't know.

( Talking on AIM. )

And then she called. I told her I just wanted to hear someone else's voice for a few minutes (which is not entirely true, I wanted to hear her voice for a few minutes), and she said she didn't have anything to say and that she was going to go.

I said I was reaching out to her, and as a friend, as someone who cares about me, could she give me something to work with. She said again she was going to get off the phone, and then I said very quietly, "I hate you."

I am trying to remember exactly what I said after that. She was quiet for a very long time, and eventually I said that I was going to be gone from her life entirely if she couldn't find anything to say to me. Ultimatums are gross and unfair, but if she couldn't talk to me for five minutes, then what is the point?

"I don't know what you want me to say," she said, and then I sort of led her around what I wanted to hear.

"Am I still the most beautiful girl in the world?" I asked eventually. "If you were here, would you hold me? Would you kiss my hair? Even though it's over, would you tell me how sorry you are and how much you love me?"

She said holding me would feel like home.

She said she would see me in the morning before I leave for Kalamazoo.

And the award for the least reliable person goes to...

I would like to scream this at the world, but not. So. Locked.

Meghan and I are no longer together because of one Kelly Sanserino. Or rather because of Meghan's attraction to Kelly, which has been painfully obvious to me for months now. Because my girlfriend was unwilling to deal with her attraction, unwilling to deal with the effects it had on our relationship.

Fuck her. Fuck both of them. God. Nothing is ever going to come of it, and still. Still she saw how it was breaking my heart, little by little, and she couldn't bother to fucking stop herself. I hate her so much sometimes, and I'm so angry, and then the anger disappears and all I want is to have my life again. Friends I can depend on, and a girlfriend who always has my back.

"Hell will freeze over before I let her go again," she said to JoAnna in response to this post. She said that just Thursday.

Hell's still hot. It's still goddamn hot.

(And speaking of that entry, how depressing is that to read now? I thought maybe reality would quell my fears; I thought I might get lucky this time.)

Meghan's away message right now says "i will love again..." referring to the Lara Fabian song.

Thursday night we went to Kroger to buy snacks, and the song was playing while we were at the cash register. She was singing along under her breath, and I knocked my shoulder into hers and said, "You'll love again?" teasing her.

"I will," she said. "Stronger than before," and she squeezed my hand and smiled.

Later that night we got into a fight, and the next day she walked out of my apartment. How can things change so quickly?

Things are bad.

Things are really, really bad.

Meghan and I are back together.

I am cautiously thrilled about this. The kisses, fierce and sweet on Sunday and Tuesday; the look in her eyes, the one that's full of love and surprise all at the same time; the words that she uses, so many perfect words - they're all so right.

But every time I think about how right they feel, I think, "But they felt right before," and I remember that I was happy before, that I never got bored of her or tired of our relationship. Every time, I am reminded of how delicate love can be. How it can be there and gone when you least expect it.

We were in bed on Tuesday. She came over with breakfast in the morning, and we watched three-quarters of a movie
before getting distracted with kissing. We were going to get up and go for a walk. We were in the process of getting up. Meghan was sitting up, and I was still laying down, and we were still half-tangled together.

I've spent so much time in the last seven months, studying the way her body looks and feels, the way it compliments my own. I missed her while we were broken up, and I knew that part of missing her was missing her physically, but the relief that I feel, being with her again - I had no idea how intense that relief would be. I put my hand on her stomach, my face between her shoulder blades, and it feels like home. It feels like making the world a better place.

If I was any further along in my menstrual cycle, I'd probably sob with joy every time I put my arms around her.

We didn't go on that walk. I pulled her down and pulled her back against my chest. I kissed a freckle on her left shoulder, and I closed my eyes. "Please don't take this from me again," I almost said. "Please don't take this away."

(Please don't take this away.)

It's over. Meghan broke up with me last night.

I've been feeling, pretty much from Valentine's Day on, like she has lost interest in me. She says I read too much into things, but I don't think so. The best way I can explain it is that when you're trying to figure out if someone likes you, in the crush stage, you look for clues. You look for their body language when they're around you, you listen to the way they talk and things they do or don't say.

Well. I've been looking, and I haven't been seeing. And I haven't been happy. So we get into fights, and then for a little while I usually feel like she's interested again, but then I spot yet another sign that she's not really into our relationship anymore.

She's admitted as much, too. "I'm not excited," she said. "I'm in a funk."

We're in Canada right now. I made an ass out of myself last night. We got drunk, and all I did was cry. We went to two strip clubs at the end of the night. She was entranced by the dancers from the second we walked in. Gaping at them. She couldn't take her eyes away from the women, and I kept thinking, "When was the last time she looked at me like that? Has she ever looked at me like that?"

When I tried to talk to her, she said, "I'm in a fucking strip club, what the fuck do you want from me?"

I really thought the night couldn't get any worse at that point, but it did. And she broke up with me. And walked out. I woke up at six. I'd been dreaming, dreaming that Meghan didn't want me anymore. Then I realized I was in the bed alone, and it all came back to me all over again.

I got up and showered. I pulled myself together for a while. I called my dad and talked to him about his birthday, which was yesterday. I called my mom and updated her on the relationship situation. I left a note on the counter saying I was going to walk around Windsor and get myself some breakfast. Call me when you're up.

That was a couple of hours ago, and I'm not holding up as well anymore. I know breaking up is the right thing to do. I'm not happy. She's not happy. But I'm still in love with her, you know? Yesterday morning I took the first shower while she slept, and when I came back in the room, she. She was the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen.

I can't do this. I don't know what to do with myself. My mom's coming to get me. I feel like going home will be Meghan's nail in the coffin for us, but she already broke up with me. She won't talk to me. She pushed me away from her last night when she walked out. I was on my knees and I threw my arms around her waist and begged her to talk to me, and she pushed me away, said to get off of her, she doesn't care anymore, she's done. It's over. I don't think there's a bigger nail than that.

God. I can't do this.

Hee. Angela sent me a message.

Subj: OHHHH SHAME SHAME ON YOU..LOL

Message: WELL I COME BACK FROM OHIO AND FIND OUT ALL THAT I HAVE MISSED. OH WELL I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU. BUT IM SAD TO SEE THAT U HAVE TO LEAVE...HOPE TO WORK WITH U BEFORE U GO....

So Margeaux agreed to cover the overlap portion of my shift tonight, which means that I'm working from 1a-7a. I bet I have all of five tables all night long.

Meghan called me to say she'd be out of the store by one, and she asked if I had to be up early on Friday to go get my sister. I said I wasn't sure yet, and she told me I should expect some company after she gets off work Thursday night.

"Oh, I was already making those plans," I told her.

I called back a few minutes and asked her not to ask any questions about the favor I was about to ask of her. I told her to meet me in a certain parking lot at 12:45. She said okay and asked if she really couldn't ask any questions.

(I'm going to kiss her very, very firmly and then get back into my car and drive to work. It'll be good. I followed her to her house after lunch this afternoon, and we stood out in her driveway for a few minutes, hugging and laughing because it's over, but we kept the kisses to a minimum, and damn. I need to kiss her now.

After I get in my car, she's going to call me and ask what the hell I just did. Bet $500 she will. And I'll laugh and she'll make her happily frustrated sounds at me, and my stupid six hour dead of the night shift will be that much more exciting.)

It's over, it's over, it's over. :D

Heather (the store's general manager) took me and Meghan out to lunch this afternoon. She said either Meghan can leave or I can leave, and I said I would leave. So! I just have to get my shift tonight covered (it overlaps with Meghan's by three hours), and then finish out the week - and after Christmas I'll be in my new store.

I am ridiculously excited. Heather's going to tell my new GM that I need to be put on the list of people to go into trainer classes, and she said she's going to threaten him with his life if he doesn't treat me well. I'm going to be making more money at this other store too, since it gets way more business.

Mmm. Money and a non-secret girlfriend.

[ETA: Haha. Andy (manager below Meghan) and I are having an exchange on MySpace.

Andy: You shouldn't keep secrets from the mighty Andy. hehehehe just kidding. That was the brightest spot of my week. Very sorry that you're leaving us though. :(
Me: Aww, Andy. I'm sorry to be leaving too, but it's for a good cause. ;) Were you surprised?
Andy: I must admit that you did indeed have me believing that you were hot for Jen.
Me: Haha... I know. Lots of people thought I was hot for Jen. It was pretty amusing.
Andy: Evil, hehehehehe. Oh well, its cute and now I have more gay friends. YAY ]

I talked to Kelly online this morning and told her about Brian Stewart finding out.

She and Mike are on their way home to their respective cities right now, and they just called to check up on me, and I almost started crying right as I answered the phone.

They're gone. Jen's in Texas. Meghan's protecting her job. Why does everybody have to be gone this week?

Meghan called me on her way to work, and she repeated what she said earlier about how she'd be here for me if she could. I wish she'd stop saying that. I want to say, "Who can blame a person for wanting to save their means of employment but please stop saying 'could' as if it's not a choice that you're making," except I can't cope with hurting her feelings right now.

So. My mom and my stepdad are having problems. Again. Only this time, they've both admitted that they can see the end.

And you know, it's not a big deal. I mean, it is, but it's not like they're actually going to get divorced (now anyway). Probably someday, but not yet, and I know that, but I'm still upset. I wish my mother would stop asking for my fucking advice on her goddamn marriage.

I'm kind of pissed at Meghan right now too, but I'm not sure how fair that is. She put a no-contact-outside-of-work-until-the-forced-transfer-goes-through ban on us for the next week, and I think it's a smart professional decision that pisses me off. I could have been out of the store in motherfucking October, if she hadn't kept asking me to put her job first.

Apparently the no-contact-outside-of-work thing doesn't apply to talking online. "I'm so sorry," she says. "You know I'd be there for you if I could..." God. That's bullshit, and I know she's scared, but seriously. She was already told she's not losing her job, and I want a fucking hug from my fucking girlfriend.

The district manager knows.

(And he's pissed.)

I just finished my Christmas shopping for Meghan, and I am SO EXCITED.

Probably the coolest thing I got her is the K'NEX Vertical Vengeance Roller Coaster. We went to Wal-Mart last week in search of Legos, but there weren't any cool sets - and she's been talking about her old K'NEX set ever since, so.

I also got her this kit from Kama Sutra. Jen and I saw it at the sex toy shop a couple of months ago, and she reminded me of it when I was trying to figure out what to get Meghan. She's had back problems all her life, and our work really doesn't help any. Plus she mentioned to me ages ago that she loves giving/receiving massages.

And finallly, I got her a microfleece blanket, two boxes of popcorn (regular and kettle corn), and Seasons 1 and 2 of The Office. We actually made it through the first episode of the second season the other day without fooling around at all (before and after! but not during!), so I figure if I'm going to buy her things meant for use while watching movies, I'd better buy something we'll actually watch...

Between this stuff and the iPod I got for Ali (brand new! engraved!), Christmas is going to be so awesome this year. I'm so excited I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep, but I really need to take a nap before work tonight. I slept from 8-11 this morning, but three hours is not going to be enough to get me all the way through my shift (11-7!).

Heeeeeee. Christmas.

My girlfriend is kind of amazing.

It's stupid, but I love the way she treats me when I'm mad. I'm so used to people like my family or Kristin, people who throw your anger in your own face, and she just. She does what I need her to do. I can't even explain how wonderful that is. And when I'm sick! Friday she bought me oranges and soup and cold medicine - and a book of puzzles! and a winter hat! And she's so excited, just to be with me. She's cancelling plans with Jen today. We were going to see each other later this afternoon, but she doesn't want to wait.

She had to go home for a family emergency, early early Sunday morning. She's on her way back into town now, and we've been on the phone for the last forty minutes. We just hung up so that she can get gas (and some breakfast), but she's going to call me back in a few minutes. She's coming straight here, not stopping at her house, and we're going to spend all day in my room with the rain on the roof.

After seven we're going to go pick up Kelly and Mike, go out to dinner, and then go bowling. And then I don't know what, maybe walk around downtown with all of the pretty lights for a while. I think she's going to spend the night again, which is cool. More than cool. She spent the night Thursday. Actually she came over before work on Thursday, and then she came back over after she got off. Came over Friday before work (to bring me the oranges and the soup and the cold medicine), and again Saturday before work. Plus we worked together Friday and Saturday night, which was fun. As usual. (Pictures! Friday and Saturday.)

Thanks to everyone who gave me advice on the Kasey e-mail thing. I'm going to hold my tongue with her for now. I've told Meghan everything I needed to tell her, and that's really my only concern. I hope Kasey will realize that she needs to stop being such a fucking bitch to Meghan if she wants to keep her friendship, but if not. Well, it's going to be her loss. Apparently she had sex with a guy last night though, so hopefully that's the start of something for her.

So, umm.

Kasey sent me a couple of messages on MySpace. Actually, I sent her one first.

Mine said,

I know we don't know each other, but you're Meghan's best friend in the entire world. I don't know of anyone who is more important to her than you are. And since I really like her, and she really likes you, I'm hoping that you and I can be friends one day. Maybe not yet, I don't know if you're interested or not, but I hope eventually we can be.

Anyway. I just wanted to say hi, since we've never talked before, except for a few seconds at Steak n Shake. So... hi. :)

( Her responses say... )

Initial reactions: wow. How many more times could she have fit, "No one will ever come between us?" into that? Also, wow. Possessive pronouns.

How should I respond to this? I don't know if I should try to make myself a friend or if I should be blunt with her. I want to be blunt, but I think there's a lot Meghan hasn't told her about us, and I don't want to cause any unnecessary stress for her. Then again, if Meghan hasn't been forthcoming enough, then it's not really my fault if I tell Kasey something she doesn't know yet. Considering I don't have any idea what she doesn't know yet. Bah.

I sent Jen a message the other night before I went to bed, a copy of the conversation that Meghan and I had (the same one I posted here).

Slept all day Monday. Had to work at 5:30. Was late. Jen called while I was on my way and asked if I was still coming in. "I got your e-mail," she said. Things were crazy at the store when I arrived, but Jen pulled me aside after they quieted down. Took me into the freezer.

"Let it out," she told me.

I shrugged. "What is there to say?" I asked, and then I thought of something. A lot of somethings. A lot of loud somethings. Later, in the bathroom, I cried. Jen followed me in, told me to unlock the stall, and then she stood there with me, like we were in high school.

After I got off work, I talked to Meghan online again.

( Conversation. )

I called her around 11 this morning to see how she was feeling. She was sick yesterday. But she didn't answer, so I went to bed. She left me a couple of messages on AIM in the early afternoon. Texted me around 7:30 pm, and again at 11.

The last one said, "I love you sam. you are the best thing in my life."

I stared at my phone for a few minutes, wanting to write back, "Then treat me like it," but I didn't have the heart. A few minutes later I saw that she was on AIM, and we talked again.

( Conversation. )

So she came over. It was good. It was really good. I didn't know how I was going to feel seeing her, but it felt right. When she got inside the house and we hugged - she was trembling, and I smoothed my hands over her back.

She looked at me, after she'd been there for a few minutes, and she said, "I don't deserve you."

"If you feel like that," I said. "Then make it so that you don't. And stop telling me."

("Can I still think it?" she asked.

"I can't control your thoughts," I said. "Well, actually. There are a couple of things you're not allowed to think... one, you can't think that I'm not cute. And two. Umm. You can't find my mother or my little sister sexually attractive.")

Kasey was pissed that she came over tonight. I can't believe it. I mean, I got the short end of the stick last week, but Kasey's so lucky. To have a best friend who would take an entire week and a half off of work, off of everything, just to try to make her happy. Just to try to save their friendship. Meghan hasn't done anything in the last week except spend time with Kasey, and then she came over here tonight and Kasey flipped out.

Meghan's so disappointed. "It wasn't worth it," she kept saying. "She's never going to accept this."

(I pressed my face against her shoulder. "Did you really miss me?" I asked.)

Okay.

I got mad at Meghan last Saturday. Basically, she took eleven days off work, starting last Monday. She's been talking about this vacation for months, but she waited until that Saturday, two days before, to mention the fact that Kasey was also going to be taking the time off work. (And that it was Meghan's idea!)

So. I had a pretty good idea as soon as she said that, that I wasn't going to see her during her break. We had a small fight.

( Conversation. )

I was still a little wary, but I wanted to believe her when she told me it wasn't what I thought it was.

Only it was what I thought it was. And now I'm pissed.

I hung out with Kelly and Mike after work tonight. We went to Wal-Mart so I could buy Meghan a half-birthday present, and then we drove around. We ended up in front of Meghan's house at four. Her lights were on, but she wasn't answering her phone. I didn't want to knock on the door because she was probably hanging out with Kasey or something, so I left a note on her car and we left and drove around some more.

She texted me at six. "Hey baby you awake?" followed by, "Please wake up and talk to me!"

I was just pulling into my driveway. It was the first time all week she'd really made an effort to talk to me. I called her twice, but she didn't answer. Something had to be wrong. I ran inside and got online.

She was there. Nothing was wrong. She was just drunk, and she thought I was asleep, and she wanted me to wake up and talk to her.

( Conversation. )

That's long and obnoxious to have to read, I'm sure, but I'm too fucking tired to actually summarize everything. Maybe later.