luxemburger

Let's talk about a problem I have: little boxes on little (or not-so-little) websites in which you (are supposed to) describe yourself. Concisely.

I hate leaving the box blank, but I feel like if I'm going to put anything into that box, I should put something meaningful. At the same time, I feel like anything meaningful is going to be a) pretentious and b) not concise enough, which is c) extra pretentious.

The truth is I don't even like talking about my philosophy in life when I'm not expected to be concise. I'm not shy about some of the most intimate details people can share about themselves, but I hate talking about my personal doctrines. I feel like there's no point: everyone has their own, why should I talk about mine? Why should I waste that time when I can just live my life in the way that I want to live? I can follow my own little dogma without making a big deal out of it, without proselytizing.

I believe that if you follow your heart, even at its most terrifying turns, if you have faith that taking that risk is the best thing you can possibly do, then life will work out. If you don't take that chance, I believe that everything will be lost. I think we have to be brave. That the universe rewards the courageous and faithful, and I don't mean faith with any sense of godliness. I believe that there's all the time in the world and not enough to waste when you know what you have to do.

I believe in diplomacy, and I believe in asking outrageous questions. I think we should know each other better and less superficially. I believe in giving people respect and the benefit of the doubt and in calling them on their shit when you're know they're fucking up.

I believe in How Things Work and How Things Don't. I believe in a universal flow of positive energy, in a sense of karma that will bite you in the ass if you try to go against that flow. I believe in trying, and trying, and trying, and loving the fuck out of everything.

I'm not perfect, and I can't always be the person I want to be, but I think good things happen to people who have determination.



And that, right there, all of what I just said, is why I tend to leave "About Me" boxes blank.

I know I've uploaded The Reputation before, but just one or two tracks at a time right? Never all of To Force A Fate? I don't have their other cd (I'd love to, I just don't), but this one. Gah. Almost every song has this utterly visceral effect on me, breaking my heart and empowering me at the same time.

You know that question about if you were president, what would you make people do? I'd make them listen to The Reputation.

I think I'm going to be very happy this semester. My Creative Writing teacher is so enthusiastic. She's clearly intelligent, but also a little airheaded in a funny, friendly way, and that's my absolute favorite combination ever. Kristin doesn't like her. I found myself laughing all the way through class, but I didn't hear Kristin laugh once, and really, this is her least attractive quality. She hardly ever just lets herself enjoy anything. It's so funny that it's when I'm spending more time with the girl that I want her the least.

I have to turn in an "Introduction Letter" tomorrow about where I am in my writing, my experience, my personality, etc. I started writing it last night, and I was trying to explain how uncomfortable I am with my words lately and why that is, and I realized something. When I was with Kristin, I shied away from writing because I didn't want to rock the boat. I didn't want to write something unpleasant and have it upset her. And now that I'm not with her and now that I've got all these things in my life that I adore - friends and more than friends and school and work and my apartment and my family - I still don't want to rock the boat. I'm still afraid of upsetting things and causing myself chaos. And I hate that. Yes I want to keep the stability, but I want to write too and I can't keep fucking shying away from things just because they might cause complications. So. I'm going to work on that.

Okay, class now. Linguistics, mmm. I'm so excited I might dance all the way to the building.

Walked behind a girl who had two eighth notes tattooed behind her left ear.

Now I am thinking about how much I would like to be kissed behind my ear, how much I would like to be kissed at all. Kisses for my birthday, what I want every year (and receive, some years). I could call Annie, but I suspect that would be unsatisfying.

But oh, what I wouldn't do. Slow to begin and sweet throughout, hands on my hips, hair in my face.

[ETA: ( Rambling. )]

Gah. My mother.

I have been infinitely more forthcoming than usual with her lately. Now that I told her more about the breakup, she thinks that the only reason I've been so closed off was because of the relationship. Oh no, not because of what happened between you and me, Mom. That had nothing at all to do with it.

And I'm a little frustrated by her conclusion, but really I'm pretty happy with my mother right now. It's kind of nice not to want to stab myself every time I talk to her.

Ack. I can't cope with this.

My period usually has two effects on me. Increased sexual aggression for the first couple of days, and nausea the full week. My emotions? Are generally the same as they are the rest of the month. Not this time. Ugh.

I sent my mother copies of this post and this post yesterday. I've been opening up to her more than usual lately, and she mentioned having taken down the picture she had of me and Kristin in the dining room.

In her response to the entries, she said something that really hit a nerve. She said I was right about the big thing that happened before I left for school last summer. She thanked me.

( ... )

Ahahaha. I love surprising people.

So! Apparently Annie was supposed to have sex with a guy tonight, but she has a date tomorrow, so she didn't want to "feel slutty." She cancelled on him yesterday, got bored today - and decided to call me.

She hit on me all night, and then she looked shocked when I didn't invite her back to my apartment. Ahaha. The look on her face. Priceless! Honestly. I have zero desire to help her feel like a whore. And less than zero desire to be someone's second choice! Also, she talked about her hair all night, and I was very not turned on by that. Talk about something else!

Ahaha. Her face. I'm still laughing.

( It's a shame she's so vapid. I looked good tonight. )

Completely shifting gears, I am dying of not being able to upload music. I made an amazing playlist the other day, and I've been listening to it lots, and I want to upload the songs, dammit! I guess I can settle for spamming with lyrics.

You see, I have loved the song Little Bit of You by Laura Cantrell for years now. And I've always wanted the lyrics to apply to me in a relationship, but they never have. I am not known for taking things slowly! Except the lyrics totally apply right now, and I can't possibly explain how delighted this makes me! Delighted!

( Little Bit Of You )

My heart! It twitters!

[ETA: I got recced! Hee. I like people liking my story.]

Huh.

So when Annie (formally known as Straight Girl) came into the restaurant the other night, I sent her a text afterward asking if she wanted to do something later in the week. She said she was busy, and we'd figure out something for next week.

When I got out of work tonight, I had a voice mail on my phone. She wants to hang out. I didn't call her back. She caught me on IM. Said she cancelled her plans. Wants to hang out.

...I am not used to being pursued.

I saved a skunk's life last night, but I think someone ran over it a couple of hours later. And I am sad over this!

Also, why is my mother on crack? We had a good conversation last night. She didn't talk over me! Or ignore half of what I said! But apparently she does not remember how parts of the conversation went, so she made things up. Way to go, Mom.

But appaaaaaarently my great-aunt knows I am gay. No one told her; my grandma said not to! I wish I could see my grandma's face when she realizes that Aunt Veronica figured it out on her own. But nothing! Nothing could be funnier than the time Grandma and Aunt Veronica tried to make potato salad and ended up wrestling over the potatoes. Oh god. Laughing now.

I e-mailed Kristin the other day to tell her that I had a couple of her DVDs and she had my first disc of Arrested Development, and she said we could exchange them. So! We had dinner last night. And I was obnoxious, and it was beautiful. I think she enjoyed herself, but it's hard to tell. In any case, I took great pleasure in mentioning as often as possible what a friennnnndly meal we were sharing.

My roommate came home at some point last night while I was dancing around the apartment. I don't know when. I have my fingers crossed that it was while I had my door shut, but all I know is that when I started dancing he wasn't there and when I finished he was. Damn the Smiths! And the HorrorPops! And Tegan & Sara! Let my feet rest. Please?

(Also, you know you're weird when you pay more attention to the cool way that What Difference Does It Make segues into Miss Take than to what your hand is doing between your legs. asdfghjkl;lkjhgfdsa! Lame.)

I fully intend to lose my voice tonight. We're leaving for Louisville in a couple of hours. I offered (multiple times) to find someone else to go with me, but Kristin says she wants to go. Whatever. I guess we're friends for a few more days.

One more road trip, and I am never going to come off of this weekend's high. Signing the lease. My mom calling to say that the bastard confessed to everything. Taking tables of my own and having J think I've done this before. Cara coming home. Seeing Sleater-Kinney.

( Apartment stuff. )

Okay. Have to get ready for the concert. This is going to be bittersweet.

Goodbye, awkward living arrangements!

I've been holding off on trying to find somewhere else to live until I was more sure of how much money I'd have for a security deposit, but I started looking this morning. I responded to an ad in the IDS. Got a response to my response. Went to check the place out. Fell in love. And hee, tomorrow I meet with the landlady and a lease. What was I stressing over again?

I'm going to be living south of town in a converted schoolhouse. (Eee, how awesome is that?) It's been split into three... sections? The landlady and her male friend live in one section, her son and his wife live in another, and then my housemate and I live in the third. His name's Eric and he works for the city. He's also a rock-climbing instructor. He says he's gone a lot.

My bedroom is yellow, and it has a slanting roof with a skylight. I can move in any time after this weekend. Did I mention there's a skylight? And that the whole place is surrounded by lots and lots of green field?

I'm super excited. The only downside is that Kristin doesn't want to be friends after I leave. I get that. Really I do. She doesn't want to be friends with the girl who broke her heart, but it still makes me sad. We dated for almost a year and a half. An intense year and a half. We'd probably still be dating if she hadn't taken me for granted in nearly every way possible. I don't want her to disappear from my life.

I told her that. My exact words were, "I don't want to lose you."

She said, "You already did."

It doesn't seem fair. If we're not going to be friends, I want her to admit that she's the one who lost me. I want her to admit that she made a huge mistake.

Something I am thinking about today: when someone fulfills a long-standing fantasy of yours, do you have to let it go? My instinct is to say no. Say I have a thing for chicken suits and that I'm attracted to people who wear them. The desire to see someone in a chicken suit doesn't go away after the first time, or even the tenth (probably). On the other hand, it seems like disrespect to the person who took the time to fulfill the fantasy to say, "Okay, thank you, but I'm not satisfied."

I'm thinking mostly of my wish for a girl to sing me Sandalwood. I carried around that desire for years, and I haven't let go of it yet. Kristin learned it for my birthday last year, and that was a perfect moment, but it doesn't mean that I don't still want to hear it. Except that seems rude, and I think her feelings would be hurt if she knew.

Moving on, my lust for kisses (and the various conversations I've had today regarding kiss-lust) has driven me to thinking about my all-time favorites. I'm thinking about making a list, but these things are so hard to qualify.

Tell me about your favorite kisses.

( My father, bizarre as always. )

I am currently psyching myself up to go take a shower. Last night there was a giant spider in the bathroom. I mean, giant, and it was heading for the shower. So I'm a little reluctant to climb in, even though the spider's dead and gone. Maybe there are others, and maybe there's a calling beacon in the shower.

It has not been a great week in the apartment. Lots of fighting, thanks to the fact that it takes me forever to get mad about anything.

( Stuff about the arguments. )

I would like my piece of the metaphoric cake now.

I wish I'd been better about writing things down when Kristin and I were fighting.

( Found this today. )

Now I'm curious what specifically inspired me to write that because, to the best of my knowledge, that was the first time I let myself put words to wanting to leave, to hating the way she treated me.

The other night she woke up as I was laying down, and she said something that made me laugh. I can't remember what it was, but my laughter made her reach over and ruffle my hair and tell me that I'm cute. Moments like that still make me happy, but they are fewer and fewer lately. Yesterday she couldn't wait to get on the road. I think she was upset about something, but she said she didn't want to talk about it, and then she insisted that she wasn't upset at all.

I had a whole list of things I was going to do today, buuut my car battery is dead. I would have walked and done my errands anyway, but the bank would have closed by the time I'd have made it there. I guess it'll have to wait until Monday.

( Called my mom this morning. )

And finally, I am still amused to death (to death!) by the fact that a random internet person knows Kit. Ahaha. So funny.

This is going to be a long update.

1.) The short version of the story behind this entry: I finally convinced Kristin that nothing awful would happen if she'd act like herself around me. She let her guard down. I realized moments later, as she was leaning over me, looking as happy as I've seen her look in a long time, that my heart is just... not in it. Suffice to say, I felt like a jackass.

At that point, I told her that I'm not in love anymore, and that there's a chance I'll still want to come back eventually, but it's a slim chance and I have no idea what she'd have to do to convince me that things wouldn't be like before. This led to a conversation about how much she never realized how much I meant to her until I was gone and how sorry she is for the mistakes she made in our relationship.

I finally got an apology for the time she accused me of raping her. (That would be the first quotation in the entry.) Something tells me it's not going to be that easy to forget, however.

2.) Despite the fact that I said I'm not in love with her anymore, she told me she still wants to fight for us. I told her to go ahead. I think she's re-thought, however. She hasn't said anything to me, but that's the feeling I get. I'm not surprised, but I am disappointed. I wanted to believe her when she said she'd fight.

3.) My aunt has offered to let us stay with her when we go to California next weekend. Sadly (and possibly ironically), I have always wanted to bring a girl with me. I adore my aunt's house, which is tiny and has giant windows that overlook a hill and the ocean. I adore my aunt. And preferably, I would adore the girl. While I adore Kristin in a certain way, it's not the same.

I have these fantasies of the guest bedroom, waking up to the sun and the breeze. That's how it always is when I visit alone, and I wanted someone to share the experience with me. I never imagined it would happen like this.

4.) ( People on OkCupid irritate me. )

5.) ( Jasmin is still the queen of distressing conversations. )

"Simple and complicated all at the same time." I think this is probably a good description of me. Unfortunately, I think she meant it as an insult. Ugh.

6.) Kristin is going to Missouri this weekend. I have no idea why. She says she just feels like it, but I'm pretty sure she hates the drive. So. I don't know what's going on there, but it means I get the apartment to myself for three days, as she's leaving tomorrow around 11.

We were supposed to go to the carnival down the street, but I guess that won't be happening.

Three weeks ago, my first girlfriend had awful timing and sent me this message on MySpace on a night when a lot of family drama was going down. I sent her a short reply, but I got so caught up in my family and then in the move and in settling in here that I didn't write her a real response until this afternoon.

Part of her response to my response: "So living with your ex-girl must be fascinating, especially since you probably broke her little heart."

Her saying that is so distressing to me. Because, seriously. There's not a heartbreaking bone in my body. My relationships always end with a) mutual loss of interest or b) them breaking up with me. Kristin's the only girl person I've ever actually broken up with. And it took me months to follow through with it, after I initially realized I wanted to leave.

Jasmin and I, we were both awful to each other, and we both grew out of the relationship. I was fourteen when we started dating, and my family was crazier, in some ways, than it is now. I spent the first year of the relationship depressed as hell, and when I wasn't depressed anymore, she told me she'd liked me better before. She more than tripled the number of people she'd slept with before me while we were dating. I lost my virginity to someone else. Hell, we never even broke up at the end. We just stopped calling each other one day. And ever since then, (something of interest here is that she's been in a "committed" relationship with the same girl for... the last two years? a little bit more?) she's called me every few months or IMed me or something, and it always goes something like this:

( Highlights of a long conversation in which she proves she's still not over me, and I try to straddle the line between awkward and comfortable with someone whose mind I know almost as well as my own. )

Anyway. I'd been planning on waiting until she was sober to ask about the heart-breaking thing, but I said screw that while we were saying goodnight.

faithfullydanger: hey wait.
faithfullydanger: why'd you call me a heartbreaker?
jazzcorpio: when?
faithfullydanger: on myspace.
faithfullydanger: you said I probably broke her heart.
jazzcorpio: you did didn't you?
faithfullydanger: I guess.
jazzcorpio: then I was right anyway
faithfullydanger: but why'd you say it?
jazzcorpio: I don't know, a hunch that you, Samantha can break a heart.

Ugh. I don't even know what that's supposed to mean, but I don't like it.

[ETA: ( Yes. Someone agrees with me! )]

Two things I am more sure of, with each passing day:

a) I want Kristin in my life
b) I do not ever want to date her again

It's so weird. I have so much fun with her most of the time, and she's adorable and I am filled with warm feelings for her. But our personalities just do not fit together, dating-wise, at all, and I can't believe that I thought I could make it work before. She's just. So fucking uncomfortable in her own skin, and so afraid of her own shadow. I don't know how she lives, when every time that anything is wrong in her life, everything is wrong. I mean. You can't live like that, and yet she does. I can't stand it because she makes herself miserable with all of this sad energy.

It's a lot easier on me now, compared to when we were dating. I ask if there's anything I can do, she snaps at me, I go off and do something until she feels better. I can't even describe how nice it is, not having to deal with her impossible moods. It's like this huge weight off my shoulders, and it makes it so that I can like her again because she's not using me as a crutch anymore. Ahhh. The freedom.

Three days ago, it came out that the backing away from anything sexual wasn't mutual after all. Well, it was, but she said that she was only doing it because she knew I was. It was causing a lot of awkwardness between us because she's on some sort of special diet, and in her own words, she's like "a dog in heat." So I was like, okay, she's horny, the tension is unbearable (in a non-attractive sort of way), let's just do it. Only we've gotten close to having sex twice in the last two days, and she's spazzed out both times before anything happened. So. I am scrapping the idea, and going back to my original position. (Ha, position.) It's not worth the hassle of getting there, or the hassle of the likely falling out afterward.

And I am fine. With all of it. I'd be fine anyway, but knowing I have $8000 more for school than I thought I would just makes it so much better. Yesssssss.

[ETA: Argh. ( She is the most frustrating person I've ever met. )]

Huh.

So I went to Kristin's journal just now because she told me to look at her icons, and I found this post, which I'm assuming is meant to be locked, only it's not.

I wonder what else she's been writing.

My fortunes: "A pleasant surprise is in store for you soon," "Take that chance you've been considering."

Here's the question. What chance have I been considering?

Possibly this will make me sound like a giant asshole, but I really wish Kristin would stop saying, "I want Melody" (her therapist) when she's upset and I'm trying to comfort her. It's like when you're babysitting and the kids won't stop crying about how much they want their mommy to come home. Mommy's not here right now. So, I don't know. Take some crayons and shut up or something. (I swear I'm a better babysitter than this makes me sound. I just don't like babysitting 20-year-olds.)

I was going to update about other things, but I can't remember what they were now. I feel like I'm on some kind of extended vacation. If I get up early enough tomorrow to go do laundry, I'm going to go see about applying for a job. If I don't get up, which I probably won't, it's laundry this weekend and job on Monday. Which I am going to hold myself to.

It bothers me that I'm not going to the family reunion. I don't even know when the family reunion is, but I know that it's sometime this month or early next and that it's in Maine and that I haven't seen half of them since Grandma died. It's typical of my father not to want to go, but normally someone else would say, "What about Sam?" and I'd go with them and we'd skip my father altogether. Except maybe they think I'm too old for that now? Or maybe they think I don't want to go? Did my dad tell them I don't want to go? Ack. I need more information.

It's really, really, really pretty outside right now. I think I say that every day, but it is. Everything's kind of fuzzy because I don't have my glasses on, and I'm in a skirt and my bare feet, and I'm wrapped in a purple sheet that I brought to sit on in case the ground was still wet. And trees, somehow, look greener than usual, and the sky looks white around the edges and blue right above me. It's starting to get cold out, but I like it. I just want to fall asleep like this.

I'm in a strange mood. I can't tell if I'm happy or not. I was earlier, and then I wasn't, and then I was again. And now I pretty much just want to go to bed. Except I'm not tired, and I hate going to bed this early in the evening because I'll wake up feeling groggy and out of it. I feel like I'm waiting for something, and I don't know what. It feels like I'm always going to be waiting. Despite the fact that I know this to be untrue, I am completely (and irrationally) irritated.

Too many dreams.

Dreamed last night that I was in summer school, taking a course on spelling with JoAnna. I forgot my workbook on the first day, and on the second I couldn't find the page fast enough to respond when I was called on. Fear of failure at things that should come easily to me? I have no idea what else it's supposed to mean.

Then I dreamed that I went to a gas station to hook up my router, and then I woke up and discovered that it will be next Tuesday until we have internet in the apartment. It's hooked up now, actually, but our phone jack is apparently fucked. So. No DSL until a man can come out and take a look, which won't be until Tuesday. Grr.

I felt extremely pretty yesterday, after all. I got some sun in the field, and now my face is sort of a lovely color, and the back of my neck is lightly sunburned. I made the pasta carbonara, and it wasn't perfect, but it tasted delicious. We're having the leftovers for dinner, and maybe Chinese tomorrow night because I would kill for some fried rice right about now.

Mmm. This is the first I've had clothes on in more than twelve hours because after my shower, I decided I just wasn't going to get dressed. I was meaning to do laundry today, but it stormed like crazy after I woke up. And who wants to carry fresh laundry through the rain. It's stopped raining now, but I don't care about the laundry any more. There's always tomorrow.

Kristin is still considering whether or not she wants to live with me. Summer school starts up in a week for her, and she could move into the dorms, if she wanted. I've never been in her position before, exactly. Distance is a bitch when you're in a relationship, but it's something of a gift when the relationship is over. The closest I've ever come to her situation is the summer after Kit broke up with me, when she'd call me up at night and want to talk like everything was normal between us, and I'd cry silently and ache for her to love me again. Not that I'm even sure Kristin knows I'm not in love with her right now. I can't imagine she doesn't, but maybe that's one of those things that she takes for granted. You never know with her.

The thing is, I like living with her. She's fun, most of the time, and I do love her, even if I'm not in love. But the best decision for her is probably to get some distance from me. I suspect she won't make the best decision though, and I'm not going to push her terribly hard. She can be her own keeper. She knows my opinion on the matter.

Strange dreams lately.

Dreamed a couple of nights ago that I got involved in uncovering a government conspiracy, which almost got me killed. Someone pulled a gun on me in the dream right as Kristin did something that made a loud sound in the apartment and I woke up gasping.

Last night I had a dream that my dad made me go with him to a company party where the hosts' daughter was Stacy's friend Kim. As in my mom's friend Kim. She was a lot different than the person I've met. The real-life Kim pretty much ignored me both times that I saw her. Not that I blame her. I can't even imagine what she's heard about me, good or bad, between Stacy and my mom.

She was a lot less flamboyant. More subtle, and I liked her a lot. I hung out with her in their basement while all of the adults did whatever. She kissed me twice, and then her mom threw a fit over something, so she decided she was going to escort me home. We took a bus. She was only going to ride a few stops down the line, but we wanted to kiss again so desperately that she followed me home.

Where we found my mom, who laughed at me. She laughed and laughed, and asked me if I really wanted Kim. I covered my ears and shouted, and my mom shouted back that she'd already slept with Kim. "What, five times?" she asked, still laughing. I started crying and ran out of the room. The last thing I remember about the dream is the sound of Kim laughing at me too.

I don't know why I have such strange dreams.

Am trying to decide what to make for dinner tonight. I was thinking about having waffles and eggs, but julietcetera mentioned pasta carbonara, and now I am having cravings. I think I could manage it. I'd have to go to the store again, but I wanted to go to Target anyway.

I am probably making it sound like Kristin is always in a mood, but she was in another one of them last night. She was fine when I came back from the field, but later after we'd eaten dinner and played some of the X-Files game on her PS2, she got strange again. She told me she doesn't want to talk about it with me. She was still in whatever mood it was when I woke up today. I think she's out of it for now, but who knows.

I was trying to cheer her up earlier, and we were just sort of talking. I had iTunes on random, and a Wallflowers song came on. Whichever one goes, "Feeling pretty is so hard," and I said the words to myself under my breath and she thought I was just talking. She asked me if I feel pretty lately and said that she's noticed I don't. Which is strange because I think I have more reasons to feel pretty lately, and it's true. I feel less so. I think it's probably all of the stress. Hopefully the pretty feelings will come back as I spend more time here.

She told me something else, and I'm not sure what to do with it. See. I've been distant, but I've also been quasi-affectionate. Cuddling and small kiss giving. Except I don't really want to have sex, and I'm not sure what she's been chalking that up to. Obviously I haven't told her that it's not so much that I don't want sex as it is that I don't want to have sex with her and be thinking about someone else the entire time. So. What she told me is that she's been holding back on showing me how much she wants me because she doesn't want to put me in a position where I have to say no. Because she hates when she has to say no, and she doesn't want to make me feel bad. I told her that I am perfectly fine telling her no if it comes to that and she should just do what she feels like. I don't know if that was the best advice, but I'd rather have her being open with me than holding herself back. Except I know that I am going to say no, and I feel like maybe I should feel bad for telling her to take a chance when I already know what the answer is.

As I'm typing this, a bright yellow-orange-red butterfly is flitting past me and there is an ant crawling on my foot. Life becomes infinitely less complicated when you're watching butterflies fly past.